Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

This month has by far been one of the worst months of my life. Obviously nothing will ever beat March 2011 when my life got screwed over and my heart was shattered to a million pieces.  But this month was just terrible. All the bad Kharma of my life just bitch slapped me in the face. The ones closest to me know all the stupid details. So goodbye August 2011. I will not miss you. Tomorrow a new month, meaning good luck time yes? Here is to hoping.

So I was going through my drawers and I came across my ring and the necklace I got for Valentine's Day. And a stabbing pain went through my heart. It completely sucked. Then I forgot about it, until now. Not sure what triggered it. But what I am about to do later this week will put the nail in the coffin forever. He will no longer be someone that I can interact with on a peaceful level. Just the baby's daddy. Oh life. How fucked up are you. I remember some of the things that we talked about when we got together. This isn't our first pass at a relationship. In this life yes. But not others. We have failed at them all. So why do we keep failing? Because we are to self absorbed in our own worlds that the other isn't important? Or because we are retarded and instead of staying friends take it to another level each time. He is the first person that I have EVER waited for. Waited. Literally. No other people had my attention. Even now. Have I forever tainted myself? Am I f...

I think I like torturing myself sometimes. I don't understand it.

I realized today that I want a few things and I have settled in the past without getting them. I can't even say want. It is more of a need at this point. I need: Romance. Affection. Love. Cute shit that someone goes out of their way to do.  I will elaborate more when I am not so tired.

I don't understand how I can be so impatient. I have two children! You would think I could take it. However, I can't. I want things, life, relationships to progress. Like Now. The only thing I don't want is for my kids to be grown up. I want them to stay frozen in time until the rest of the pieces of my life are together. That way they don't have to see me upset or crying. One day Life begins In an Sea of Love Sunshine beams It's all just a dream Its Time I follow my old ways. You are happy as as you choose be . So live strong, Laugh Hard, and love as if you have never loved before.

So here I was , thinking everything was okay and we could at least be friends. But no, that didn't happen and my family has screwed it up. Granted he is being extremely selfish and doesn't think about anything other than himself.  If I think about my feelings for one god damn second I am the fucking bad guy. As always. Sometimes I don't know why I keep trying to prolong everything, only if I was selfish, I could end it all. The world may be a better place. To bad I would never do that to my children. For them, I will stay here.