Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 It has been so long since I have written that I do not even know where to start. The last thing I wrote was very emotional because I was losing a friend, right at a crucial time in my life. I was in my last term of school, getting ready to take finals and my exit exam and there was still a lot happening at home. It seems like a never-ending cycle of constant struggle. But why is this a constant struggle? Well, you see, people in a situation like mine feel stuck. We have “no options” and don’t have great ways out. The resources are lacking, and the system fails us over and over again and no matter how hard we try, it is like quicksand. It’s almost too embarrassing to admit it is easier to stay in the shitty situation than to start over. So here I am writing about my last year to help everyone realize that we may not get a second chance. August 2021, I graduated College and went to Vegas with some amazing people. It was the time of my life. I started working right when I got back ...

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.

 Sometimes I realize that if I didn't have children, I would take the easy way out of life. I would be selfish and just opt out. I dream of days when putting up a TV doesn't turn into a giant fight and being yelled at just for trying to help as asked. I dream for days where I am not walking on eggshells in my own home. Then I realize that my dreams may never come true because I decided to go into a profession that doesn't pay alot and there is no way I can afford to move out with me and two kids on that type of pay.  I am stuck now and will always be stuck because I want to make sure my kids have a home. I live with a narcissistic person who calls me names, who is racist and who yells all the time.  I know this isn't my normal "no matter what I got this" feel, but my fight is draining. He's won, nothing matters anymore because this is just what my life is. A continual circle of abuse.  I haven't written in a while because of how depressed I have felt. ...

 It has been awhile because my life has been busy and I just have been so exhausted and not wanting to write anything to anyone. The last week has been blissfully quiet in my house though, so that has been nice. My dad has been in the hospital. Officially one week now. He went in originally for a really bad UTI, but he had it for DAYS and refused to let anyone take him in. By the time he went in his UTI went septic and infected his kidneys and blood. However, during this time the doctor's found he had another issue happening that was causing bile to leak into his system that was slowly killing him. Now that is being checked out. He will be in hospital care for at least another week, unless he finds a way to convince the doctor's to let him come home for treatment. During this time he called to yell at everyone saying we gave this to him and it is his fault and we sent him to the hospital to die. It is crazy to me that even when sick he still finds a way to call and harass us an...

 Just becase I haven't made a post, doesn't mean the abuse has stopped or that things have gotten better or worse. Life just is crazy and I hate it or love it depending on the day.  I finished my internship and got a volunteer gig at a place that I love and that keeps me busy, got to my next term and it is crazy packed and hard as hell, got two parrots and another chicken, so a lot is going on. But the home life is still hard, and that is why I am writing tonight.  Fair warning, it is not pretty and may trigger some. I had a moment where I clearly thought what I would write in a suicide note, where I would put it so my mom would be the one to find it, where I would go and how I would do it and who would find me, because I wouldn't want it to be my kids.  Then, I just cried. I won't do it, but I wanted to because my dad is so freaking mean all time. All he does is scream and yell and torment everyone, every single day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I am so ch...

The thing about abuse is, it doesn't stop. It just is a continuous horrible circle where the men get away with it... forever.    My dad has been yelling at my mom for days, I have been staying passive. I had a few friends over last night in a safe, controlled environment. None of us do anything that would expose us to COVID so that is why I had them over. We had a great day in the pool, then had a bonfire and then went to bed. This morning we worked together to clean up and had breakfast and they went home. I was going to clean up the kitchen after I took a nap because that was a lot of social for me.   The next thing I know is that my mom is inside crying, asking me to help her clean up. So, I go outside, and I ask her with what? The two boxes that HE KICKED to the ground?? Apparently, there was like a few pieces of trash I missed because I am only human and haven’t been back outside since everyone left. I even rinsed down the patio this morning to make sure it was c...

It's been a good month since I have posted. Mostly because school got a bit crazy and midterms happened, but not because things got better. I did start an internship and that was pretty awesome. It took me 8 weeks to find one because of COVID, but I hope to learn a lot from it. Sadly on my first night I had to deal with my dad screaming at my mom and my kiddos coming in saying that their grandpa hates them. Apparently it is their fault he was yelling at my grandma because she spends too much time with them. A grandma that spends too much time with he grandkids, who would have thought that was a thing. Some grandkids don't have a grandma and here is my dad being a typical douche. Then the other day my daughter said something about her feelings and my dad goes "wrong answer". Of course I decided to step up at this point because how dare he tell her that her feelings are invalid. Then yesterday I get home and he goes " what did you do today because apparently your m...

Living in a house with a racist and a domestic violent abuser is one of the hardest situations I have ever had to deal with. Imagine yourself as a single parent with two mixed children. You are white female, but your kids are only half white. You find yourself with an abusive father, always has been and you already do everything to make sure your kids are protected from that, but now, when you find yourself fighting to be on the right side of history, you are in a house where someone is on the wrong side of it. It doesn't shock me at all that he is, but what does surprise me is how unwilling he is to listen to anyone else when it comes to their views. I have to wonder what he is going to do when my Black Lives Matter paraphernalia comes in. I got T-shirts, hats, face coverings, mugs for myself and the kids so we can go out and fight for a good cause. I never imagined I would have to fight that cause in my own home as well. My dad’s excuse is as simple as “my grandparent’s got thr...

Another day in the life of Domestic Violence.  So far, it is on the mild side. First, I got a package and instead of it being placed nicely it was thrown on the ground. Mom asked who it was for and he replied with It's not for you or me. So I was like "obviously it's for me since he can't just say that it is". Again, I know I could have ignored him being mean to my mom and throwing my breakable package on the ground,  but after 70+ days of lockdown and this abuse it gets really hard to just take it.  So that pissed him off. He finishes making his dinner that I purchased for everyone and goes outside.  But he left the microwave open because it was dirty and one of us needed to clean it, god forbid he do that. Then I look at the counter where he made his dinner and he left a giant mess. He does every day. He never cleans up after himself and then he yells at me or my mom for the mess.  It is unreal. I really don't understand how the VA hospital is ok...

Here we are, another day and more yelling. Still over the boxes in the garage. I still don't have time to go through them and I told him I wasn't ready. He was LIVID that I didn't stop my entire life to go through the boxes that he pulled down and does not want to go through. I know I shouldn't have run my mouth but I did tell him that he cannot control me and he has no right to yell at me because I didn't pull the boxes down, he did. I told him that I would go rent a storage unit and put all the boxes in the unit until I was ready to go through them and that just set him off even more. He told me to fuck off and kept screaming at me even though I offered a solution to get the boxes out of the garage. But the main issue here wasn't that I found a solution, it was that I wasn't doing it HIS WAY. I wasn't following exactly with what he wanted.  I am so tired of women being treated like this and people thinking it is okay. Domestic issues are over looked ev...

I had a seemingly good day today. I got a lot of work done that needed to be done and was doing my best to avoid any conflict. I even got a lot off my chest about things that really bothered me. Had a lovely night watching movies on the projector on the side of the house and then as everyone is getting ready to go to bed, at 10:45 pm, my beautiful day was ruined. This started a few days ago and it is finally coming out and everyone is the target. Three days ago the "father figure" decided it was a good idea to take a bunch of boxes down and put them out in the garage. Now his car is parked out front like mine is always parked out front. Big Deal. He started a project that he expected other's to finish. What I mean is this. He took the boxes down and flatly told mom "fix this, clean it up". Who does that, it was his project and now he is demanding she cleans it. But the kicker is he wants her to do it while it is 100 degrees outside with no regard to her health o...

I cannot believe it is already Mother's Day. I am excited as my unemployement has finally processed and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been sitting here waiting for it to process for a month now and nothing. I have called over 500 times and E-mailed once a day for the past two weeks. Needless to say, this was the best mother's day gift I could get. Though, requirements have changed and it now says I must be looking for work even though before I didn't need to as I am in school full time. So I may have messed something up. The entire thing is confusing. In other news, all has been quiet in the crazy front, at least for a few days. Which means we may have an interesting week ahead of us. I have a week off from school and I need to find an internship. I need to use this week to see if I can find someone who will take me. Life is just crazy right now and I am trying to take it one day at a time. Short blog for tonight, be good to one another and remember ...

This blog has always been my release of thoughts. Word Vomit into the nothingness of the internet. When I started posting over 13 years ago, the internet was a much different beast than it is today. Social media is so huge now, and everyone does it.       First, this blog helped me get through one of the most devastating losses of my life, at least I thought it was a loss. Now it is more of an annoyance that I have to deal with for a few more years. Watching someone not care about their kids is always a hard thing. I am sure he cares in his own way, just not in a way that is healthy for the babies. But that is not the point of today's post.       I realized that recently I have been talking a lot about something I have kept hidden from the world for a long time. Why? Because it has been something that is uncomfortable to talk about and is embarrassing to talk about and frankly, scary to talk about. Domestic Violence isn't something that you can j...

      The hardest part about being stuck in your house, is being stuck in your house with Domestic Violence. At least before the kids and I had been able to go to school during the day and have some freedom.   Week one at home wasn't that bad.  I heard him yell at my mom from time to time at night, but it was contained, and I did worry about her.  Then week two came along and it started to flow out of the room and through the house.  Wednesday, he yelled at her because she didn't want to sit outside with him because it was cold. Yesterday because she didn't want my dog to be outside while other dogs had been off leash, which is a rule. So, I intervened, and he started to take it out on me. I will take it because I don't want him to yell at my mom anymore.  Today is my mom's birthday. Stuck in a house with an abuser and not even able to take her out.  I got her flowers delivered, a beautiful sun hat and sadly I burnt dinner, but I tried...

You would think that with everything going on, my mind wouldn't go back to the one person who crushed my heart, but it does. I sit here and wonder if he even cares how we are doing during this pandemic, if we are okay. If I am holding up with severe depression and anxiety. Then I realize he most likely doesn't even care because he never loved me the way that I loved him. I just hope I can do my best for my kids and that we get through this together as a family unit. Now I am stuck in a house with my life long abuser, trying to keep my kids safe so that they are not the next victims. We cannot leave and escape to school during the day as it was canceled until the end of April, who knows, maybe forever.  I will fight for them as long as I am alive, no matter what, they are my reason for being here. This is my worst fear as a parent. Raising my kids in a world where other people may become their worst enemy. Where other people will exploit the kindness to get supplies that the...

I've grown up in a broken home. I've known nothing else. Fighting, yelling, name calling. It has all been normal. I have been trying to shield my kids from the bullshit that has been my life and it hasn't been bad for some time. Then something happened in June and everything seemed to spiral out of control.  I've been in a relationship with a man who loves my kids and treated them as his own, they adore him and I really don't know how I am going to tell them that the last two years wasn't our forever as we had all hoped. Some people aren't built to handle the type of bullshit that I endure on a daily basis, are not built to support and be that rock. But sometimes, even the rock can shatter and then only the rock can pick up her own pieces. Even though this rock was told that it was forever and marriage was going to happen someday.  Domestic violence happens every single day in a lot of homes and people don't talk about it. I'm talking about it now be...

To start, this is NOT about my boyfriend. We are in a healthy place with open communication.  When you search "psychological abuse", so often it comes up with your SO being the abuser. But, what it doesn't mention is how that abuser affects everyone in the same living quarters. Children, grandchildren,  extended family. It's not okay to look past these situations and let those suffer. Sometimes you have to be willing to put aside your fears of being homeless and jobless and start over without the constant fear of being yelled at, belittled or just existing in your own home. You cannot use the excuse of an illness as a reason why the behavior is okay. Humanity and making the world a better place has always been my goal and this needs to be said as a step forward to help make the world a better place. I can't save the world if I can't save myself, my kids and my mom.  Being told CPS has been called on me to entice fear because I don't want to do som...

I know I only write when I am having a hard time, but if that is the case, history shows I am having those less as the years go by, maybe a few more this year. Lately I feel as though I am an afterthought. An afterthought at work, at home, and with my boyfriend. I keep falling in this negativity trap and it sucks. Let's start with work. I want to progress, but it feels as though my boss doesn't want me to. He just wants me to stay his personal assistant and never move forward, and that sucks. I really want to grow in this career, but I know he will not let me. He likes me to do everything for him, down to moving meetings on his own calendar. Home is a shit show with my so called father. He's so toxic to everyone around him and I wish I could just leave and not be here anymore, but I have no choice. I can't afford to do anything else. And then my boyfriend. It has almost been a year and he has never told me that he loves me. Rarely answers my calls and always just ...