Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

It seems that my attempts to resolve anything are a complete failure. I am not good enough for a new ring. I am not good enough for respect. He is just living with me for duty. Not for love. I can tell. It's like a robot walking around me all the time. I want you Romance. Someday I will know what you are, even if it is just Romance with no love. For my love will always be stolen by someone who doesn't fully appriciate what I have given.

It's December now. My son will be two years old this month. The time sure does fly. I have to wonder, how will my life look in April? I am "Supposed" to still get married? How does one get married when they no longer have a ring? How is that even considered engaged?  I just don't know what to do. I am so broken and empty. Alone. Hurt. Lost and confused. I need a clearer path. I know life isn't supposed to be easy. But I am at a point that I am not sure how much more I can handle. I am the only one that is "required" to change. I guess that shows me, that he isn't the one for me since if we can't compromise together then what's the point. Changing who you are is not love. And apparently that is what I am supposed to do. He doesn't love me. He loves the idea of me. Please someone. Help me walk away before I am completely lost to who I am. I am not Strong enough to do this on my own.

It has been awhile.  I no longer have my ring. He feels that I don't deserve it. However, he wears mine? It doesn't make sense. He also publically disrespects me in front of girls that cause the issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure I can stay with someone that is void of emotion other than anger for me. He is more passionate about people that work for him, then he is about me. It's like we live together, but don't communicate. When we do, it is small talk that means nothing. I wish I knew what to do from this point. I am to that point of being numb and just wanting to give up. Why am I going to try when he so clearly isn't. On a side note, I got disowned today because of a game. Because of pixels. It's pathetic.

They are everyplace I turn. From my parents. From him. From friends. Seems only one or two people understand that with me, the truth will always win. Truth stings, but lies leave a scar forever. Why some people don't understand this about me, I just don't get. You would think that someone living with me for years , having children with me, would understand this the most. But he doesn't care. He is so disconnected that I mean jack shit. I tell him things. ALL THE TIME. Even when people specifically state DO NOT TELL *****, I still do. Why, because I was raised that your partner is another half of you, you can't function if you aren't open about all things and equal. I will never be his other half no matter how much I try. Maybe one day I will let the depression take over so it can take me.

Torn. Broken. Shattered. Lost. Confused. Darkness. Empty. Void. Pain. Lies. Light. Hope. Faith. Strong. Passionate. Love. Loyalty. Sad when the bad outweighs the good.

I have no other title. It is how I feel and how I am looking at things now. I am just not caring at this point. I was yelled at so bad last night it took me back to a previous relationship. He got in my face and was screaming and the first thing that came in my mind was that I was about to be hit. I know he would never, at least I hope he would never. But I was so scared. I had a panic attack and ended up locking myself in my bathroom with the lights off until I could calm down. I had terribly thoughts of ways to end it all and that just scared me because I haven't had those kind of thoughts in a very long time. I know it was due to the anxiety only. And I can't stop listening to that song.

Sometimes, this feels like my life. The hitting = Verbal in my case. [Chorus - Rihanna:] Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie   [Eminem] I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight High off of love, drunk from my hate, It's like I'm huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! Where you going? "I'm leaving you" No you ain't. Come back we're running right back. Here we go again It's so insane cause when it's going good, it...

So I thought this weekend was going to be great. Just us, no kids since Thursday night. I was so wrong. He was grumpy because his week sucked and he is tired. As usual. Always tired. So am I and I don't complain about it as much as him.  So whatever. Then Friday, was okay, not to terrible. Mostly tired because I worked that evening. Saturday Morning I worked at 6 am. Then when I got off we went to "dinner" and then to the concert. After the Concert we saw a bunch of people we know.  And while in this crowd he once again disrespected me. I literally just walked away this time. Of course it was turned around on me and made me look like the ass. I am just so tired of the constant public disrespect. I want to listen to my grandma and keep on trying. But why, if I am the only one willing to try to make things better.

Why is it that no matter what. THIS FUCKING BITCH IS IN MY LIFE. First she goes after my guy best friend. Now she is going after my sister. Like I understand that she is proud of herself for being a homewrecking whore. But the damage was already done, stop trying to destroy me more. I don't have much else.

There was a lot of crying today. And giving back of the ring. I just don't want to do this anymore. There is no respect at all. We talk and nothing gets heard. Neither one of us is willing to bend. He's older,  yet I feel that I am the one who has to do everything. I always have to be the stronger one, the bigger person. Why can't I just not. For one day. Then after I thought it couldn't get worse, the spot I applied for has been filled. Then my friend brings up old news with the stupid whore. ksajdfkasjfakjasdfa All I can say in all this is I love you Grandma, and I love you my best friend of all time.

He looks at me like he wants to say something, but won't. He looks at me , like I am the plague. He looks at me like he no longer knows what to do. The look is something I don't like to see. As I'm standing here in the Dark, Still as a predator waiting for prey Wondering if Daylight will ever arise. Realization of fate to come, never brings happiness. A sharp knife, and a Dull pain Words can bring even, the strongest willed down. Silence, will ruin it all. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I doing this for me or for my kids? I would like to think both. However, if kids had not been involved, I would of been long gone. My entire life, I have never been with one person who was faithful. There was someone once, and he would of been faithful, and very attentive, however he wasn't something I could see ever being special. Am I just attracted to people that can't respect me as a person? Who are morally bankrupt? ( not all granted ) . May...

It just seems nothing is ever going to change. His friend died and instead of letting me be there for him, he is blocking me out more. Yells at me and makes scene's at work.  I feel that I have to tiptoe around everything I say. There is so much that we need to discuss and it just isn't getting there. I am afraid to discuss anything with him this week because his way of dealing with death is all internal. He told me to back off. But yet he gets mad if I don't talk to him right away about things that upset me. It is a loose - loose situation. I also found at that another one of my friends let the slut who was sending dirty pictures do things to him. This hurt me more than I ever thought it would. I guess it just proves that no matter what, you can't really trust anyone but yourself and your dearest nearest friend. She knows who she is. I have been acting like it doesn't bother me so I can be there for him during his time of need. But it does bother me and it hurts...

It's always a hard thing to know someone for years, then all of a sudden they turn into someone you really didn't know. It happened with the person I am with and now with one of my best friends. The girl that caused all of these issues, and he did know, is now his new little sex buddy. I don't understand how someone could be so cold.   Then, the one person who means anything to me in this world is severly sick and I can't fix it. I feel so helpless and alone. All I want is her to get better. Please pray for her. She needs everyones love right now.

I have realized that huge changes are needed for me to be happy. I gave up on my own happiness to try to make him happy. I want more tattoo's, piercing and strange hair colors. I told him I wouldn't get another tattoo or piercing. I told him I most likely wouldn't try to get on a motorcycle. But that's not fair to me. These are things that make me who I am. I like tattoos, random body jewelry, motorcycles, extreme fashions and colors. So why did I stop for him? I Compromised myself because I was looking for something that wasn't there. Well no more. I am going to come back. If he leaves during this process, then I know it wasn't mean to be.

So, this month has been a bit rough. My Great Aunt has passed on. Then a day after her funeral my dog that I have had for 8 years bit my dad. We had to take him to the ER. Three days later we had to take my dog to the shelter. She is going to be put down here soon. It makes me very upset. I love her and she was a wonderful dog. And apparently she has shown no aggression at he shelter. How is this fair?! I can't stand it, but by law, her life has already been ended.  I love you my good pet. I am very sorry that this is all happening, and I hope you stay with me throughout my life.

So. Scheduling at work got terrible. I was on a shift that was awesome. However, since he was also on the shift they split us up. This only happened because someone complained so they could get my shift. It was awesome. It then ended up screwing a few other couples. Very sad really.  Then today I was sitting there and I heard her name being mentioned by our HR rep. And I got scared, and had a panic attack. All I could think about is if she started to work for us again, I would lose my job and go to jail all in the same day. I hate how this all comes back around. The waves that his actions caused will last forever it seems. How can I even attempt to get over it when it is one thing after another. Then tomorrow I get to explain to my son why his Dog is missing. She bit my dad, and unfortunantly we will not risk the danger of her hurting someone else. God forbid it was one of the babies. I also stress about the person dearest to me. She is going through a very rough time with her...

So I am just getting worse and not better. I can't seem to concentrate anymore. Everything just keeps spinning. I did finally call to set up and appointment to get my direction back. So we shall see what happens there. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I sure hope I am. I used to not be able to imagine my life without him, however I can now. I see myself with my babies older and me dating. Is this just because I am hurt? Or is this what is supposed to happen. I just don't know. I am tired ... to much today .

As the years have gone, and I have gotten older ( Irony inc. ) I realised I should update my blog title to " Random Thoughts From A Very Confused Mind". Only because right now I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with my life. What is going on. I used to have complete control on what happens next. Or what happens to me in general. That is long gone. However, the reason I am not going to change it is because my goal is to be not confused anymore. Back to the place where I had less anger. Less hate. Less resentment. It's a shame what the real world can do to people. I can even turn this into a rant blog on how much all males suck. However, I don't think that is true. I do believe that there is someone out there that is willing and able to treat me like I deserve. To be patient with me. To handle my mood swings. To understand that sometimes I just need to vent. Agree with me when I am wrong, even if they don't really agree.  I just need to find them. Now...

I hate My Life.

I think it is long over due that I visit my dear Physic. The great thing is she doesn't say "this is what is going to happen no matter what, you must follow it". She shows me different choices I could make and the possible outcomes. Granted everything can be changed , which is why she shows you different roads. I have come to a point in my life that I am 100% completely and utterly lost, alone and empty. I don't like feeling this way and I wish I didn't. However, no matter what I have been doing, it doesn't seem to work. If my life mission is to be a "healer", how can I assist in healing if I am so broken. Simple, I can't. Now I really can't blame anyone but myself for this feeling that I have. I am the one who chose to just shut down instead of deal with it. And I am the one who saw the signs for two years and that part of me just ignored it and attempted to trust. But the feelings are warranted.

Yay ! First day of school all over ! woooo. I mean work.... Anyways, I did attempt to just have a normal conversation that some how got turned into an arguement. That was fun. I think he just likes to fight with me.  I really need to figure out what I am doing. For those that believe in past lives, here are my thoughts. I feel that we have had a relationship in the past. Maybe I cheated on him, or maybe he cheated on me back then as well and this was another chance to try and get it right. However, we obviously failed to learn our lessons. I used to feel that I would not come back another time, but I see now that I do. I failed to be happy. I was doing so well for 23 years then out of no where this all happens. I do know he is my soul mate for we continue to meet over and over again.  He is always there, no matter how far back in my lives I sometimes see or remember.  I do believe that we can change our paths at anytime even though we already have them set for us. Howev...

I start work in less than 24 hours. First day back, second day on my diet. I just hope I can handle it all. I am a bit stressed for the previous reasons as well as missing my babies. Little girl isn't used to not having me around and she is older than my son was when i went back to work. To make it worse the babysitters are not doing to well since a relative is in the hospital on her death bed. Here it is, not to late and I am going to bed. If I am not to tired, I will update tomorrow. Good Night.

Maternity leave is coming to an End. I go back to work on Saturday. We have a shift bid and I am hoping to get my number one choice, but for some reason I doubt that will happen.  Things are slightly better. I keep having really bad days and really good days. Today I feel like crying. Just because.  One of my friends told me yesterday that the whore homewrecker that was sending the pictures tried to get down his pants knowing he had a girl friend. When he said no, she sent him half nekkid pictures. I just can't seem to get this horrible person out of my life. What should I do? I love him, but I don't know if I can stay with him if I keep having these constant reminders of what has happened. I am very nervous about going back to work as well. I get to see the girls he has flirted with along with the people he has told our situation too. Yay for being pittied behind my back. I need to find a way out to a different department or different job. Which sucks since I do love where I...

I hate it right now. I just sit here and think about what has happened. I want to attempt to make this work, but how can I move forward if I can't stop thinking about the past. Obviously there was no love for two years if he chose to do what he has done, but then why have a second child with me? Why stay with me? I personally just don't understand how you can say you love someone yet do this to them. I am not saying I am perfect, I cheated on an ex once, but we broke up shortly after. I told him what I did and told him I did it because I didn't love him. That was the truth. Why would you cheat on someone you "love" and continue to be with them. Oh wait, because I have his babies. Now I have to wonder even though he says he loves me and that he isn't staying with me because of the kids, if he is staying with me because of the kids. It is the only thing that makes sense to me. It makes me feel like such a failure. No matter how many tell me that " you are a...

"‎'We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.' - Joseph Campbell" . He used my depression as an excuse for this to happen. We are going to attempt to work through this but it seems that he is always mad at me and wants me to just get over it faster. How do you get over something when it is this huge. Sending nekkid pictures to other girls isn't right, and the fact that the other girl knew he was with me, had a baby and another on the way, that didn't stop her. I did confront her and call her a homewrecking whore. But it doesn't make me feel better. In the past two weeks since I found out there was an incident with a girl that I knew nothing was going on, but I wanted to ask anyways to see his reaction. He got so upset that the next day he yelled at me so much that our son cried. It was heartbreaking. Now to try to make up for it, he has...

A Chapter has ended A New one has begun All the sad in the past will be erased And undone. Looking for a brighter future together We can both start anew. . And in all our future's past a sign and smile and dream for what was and is and will be we sing the song of silence and whisper the howls of the moon. Contrast in color or black and white in a field of flowing gray. We are love, a dance of daffodils and feathers of angels on wings of the Dream. This was written by both of us. I found out recently that the last two years of my life has been a complete lie. He wasn't happy and was indeed cheating on me. We are going to make one last attempt at salvation. Not only for us, but for our two young children. We shall see what happens.

Second baby is finally here. She is wonderful. Sleeps all the time, and by herself at night. ( well not sleeping on my chest. ) Her big brother sometimes gets a bit jealous. But that will always happen. Speaking of big brother, he said his first sentence on Father's Day. Said " Wanna go round". It was soooo adorable. And he is also going pee in a big boy potty. Not sure how everything else is going. It really seems all messed up. Got yelled at and called a bitch in public. Was very embarassing. It made me think and want to step back and not continue. But I have two kids and need to attempt to work it out. Just feels pointless when it seems I am always the one having to compromise and none from him. Nothing I do ever seems to matter or make a difference. Job situation still makes me sad. No room for advancement is making me hate going. I am hoping that when I get back from leave I can get into a different department so I can stay there. I love my company, just hate my depa...

So it has been way over a year since I last post. My son is now over a year old and our little girl will be here within the next 4 weeks. I am still with the original person that I started writing this blog about. I can say it has not been easy and sometimes I just want to give up. I never did get that promotion. Today was a hard reminder, that I never will. I don't know if I am happy anymore. I seem to be lost 90% of the time. I feel that nothing I do will ever be great for anyone at all. That I am here to just be here. I am also scared that my depression will come back. ( had post-partum ). I am actively attempting to prevent that. However when you feel alone , lost and not loved, it is a bit hard to do. We did book a wedding site and I ordered my dress. So that is a plus. I also got an interview for a position on our main campus. I don't really expect to get it, however just getting an interview alone is enough for me. Well it is past my bed time. I wake up early with my s...