Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

This time Last year I was in one of the biggest fights with the ex that I have EVER been in. There was a lot of anger, tears, frustration and generally no longer understanding each other. This was the time he said "either we get married on X date or we don't at all". Never really understanding that he really meant he doesn't want to get married. I will never forget that night. That fight set up my 2011 to be one of the worst years of my life. The worst. The next week "we" decided to go ahead and continue with the wedding planning. I poured my entire soul into planning. Got a dress, invitations sent out, decorations settled, everything. This was my Jan. - March. Then March 18th 2011 my world drastically changed. It started with I love yous and congratulations. It ended in heartbreak and broken hearts. Well only one broken heart. Mine. His couldn't break for he hadn't loved me for years. It has taken me several months to realize this. April I moved...

Today it hit me. I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so utterly alone.

So for the last 12 days, I have been thinking about posting. Then I just don't. Life has been so hectic that the days blend together. I have been extremely emo this month. First Christmas without him. I didn't think it would be this hard. I keep trying to focus on the positive but between missing him, my children screaming, and my family bitching at me all the time I just loose that focus. As of righ now. Holidays can go fuck themselves. This year needs to be over. OVER . Maybe then I can focus on new shit.

I have been trying to write for a few weeks now. But I am just so burnt out that writing is hard. The holidays are here. Work party has come and gone.  I went stag because I wanted to prove to myself I could. It didn't work the way I wanted it to. I should of just stayed home, or actually worked. I sat the whole night wishing I was there with him. Enjoying the night with him. But it was all a dream. There was a beautiful Lunar Eclipse and it was peaceful but at the same time made me miss things and second guess what my purpose once more is in life. 9 months later I realize he will be the one who will always have my heart regardless if he throws it away as he has. I am good and I don't compare anyone to him, because no one ever will be him. But no one can get my attention long enough for me to want to get to know them better. So I am going to put all my energy in my kids. Maybe someday, someone will be able to grab my attention long enough for me to give the rest of my heart...

I will walk down the isle to this song. Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid to fall Watching you stand alone All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more Time stands still Beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything take away What's standing in front of me Every breath Every hour has come to this One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought your heart to me I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more One step closer One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be af...

It is never a fun situation when you are sitting in a movie that has a wedding / honeymoon scene with someone you thought you would have that once with. Sometimes I am so incredibly stupid I amazing myself. Crying myself to sleep tonight. Sigh.

So I finally am going through my camera and uploading photos and I find one of Christmas. I was sitting against him and I looked so content, happy and complete. Who would of thought that a few months later that image would be completely shattered. And now, as I look at it, with him on the bed asleep with my son, my heart shatters all over again.  So odd how things can be going so wonderful and one photo memory can change all that. I sent it to him. I am not sure what he will do with it, if he will keep it. But I sent it none the less. With an apology. Because he will never know how I truly felt about him. Because I never really let him know. Even now, as I walked him out I couldn't tell him that I sent the photo. Sure he will find out soon enough, but my words are lost around him. I am a coward to my own defenses. You would think, in light of the last week, that I shouldn't be like this. Yet the happy I have felt the past few days seems like a distant feeling or a dream. Lord...

I felt valued. Loved. Wanted. Appreciated. Sure it may have been booze glasses for them. But either way,  I am going to accept it for what it was. I had fun. I miss  my girl.

Must be a bad day are something. I felt unwelcome and intruding. Oh well. Not much I can do there when my kids don't want me to leave them with their own dad. Sometimes I just with I could help him. But nothing I do would be wanted.

I really don't understand what is going on. It is something I want so badly, but I am so guarded by it. I know it means nothing to him. But it means everything to me. When he asks if it was okay I should of said no. It is not okay. This is confusing and shit . Three weeks in a row now. Three weeks.

Today was an odd day for me. A bit surreal like I wasn't really me or wasn't really here. Weather changing. Hearts Changing. Feeling Changing. Like part of me has finally broken off. In a good way or Bad? Who really  knows at this point. I have been crying a lot the last few days. I don't really understand it. I wish I could but you are your own biggest enemy. And boy, I gotta tell ya. The things I tell myself when I am down, are really messed up. Now I know it is easy to fool yourself when you are by yourself. But damn, I am so pro at it. Looking back at the last few years of my life. It wasn't a mistake or a waste. It was supposed to happen. Now weather or not it was supposed to last is still up in the air and honestly something I don't have the heart to decide. So much conflicting all the time. So much frustration because for the life of me I can't seem to grasp that it is over. Alas, it is. My spirit guides. Now would be a good time to come back. I am ...

As she lays on the floor in the corner, curled in a ball. She wonder's "How, why,  what happened that I let myself loose myself so much that I am lowered to this. Nothing but a sad lump on the floor?" Even asking herself, she didn't have an answer. What was next. How was she supposed to go on with her life. Finally mustering enough strength to pull herself off of the cold floor, she stood. "I must go on. I have people that I must care for. " Do you ever look at your life as if you are an outside party? Wondering if that is really you, that you see or someone else? I do that from time to time. I realized that I let people walk all over me. Why? Well because I don't have the energy to correct the behavior. I shouldn't be used as a friend. I should be able to have a friend that likes me for me. Not for what I can get them or do for them. However, it is what it always seems like. I know my purpose in life is to be the "healer" for people. Bu...

I was driving today and saw the most beautiful sunset. I realized that the little things in my life that made me happy, I have been ignoring. I need to watch a sunrise and sunset again.

My parents are so up and down all the time. I can't stand it. I am going to go freaking crazy. I love them but it seems they hate me. No matter what I do, it is just another thing for them to be pissed off about. I  just want this all to be over.

   Sometimes I wish Life had a do-over button. Maybe even a day do-over button.That way you can make it a bit smoother and less unexpected and random.

    It can never just be an easy day. There always has to be something. Why , just why can't I have one day with no issues, no stress, no yelling, just peace. It's all I want right now. Peace. Why don't you exists. Everything I do I hurt someone. Always. Maybe he is right, I am a terrible person that just destroys people. I give up. I have no fight left. Just an empty, depleted shell of a sad, pitiful soul eating person.

If it isn't one thing it is another. My life this year. I want it to just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. So many lies. So many half truths. So much deception. Why the hell can't people be honest. GUESS WHAT WORLD, HONESTY IS YOUR FUCKING FRIEND! Stop lying to one another. Stop pretending to be a friend. Stop being a fake stupid fuck that just makes everything worse. You guessed it world, I am LIVID. I think this is my first angry post and not emo fucking post.  Weeee. Maybe I have finally lost it. My heart. It's gone. I hope it never comes back. It hold just enough room for my wonderful children and my best friend. She keeps me sane. Yes I said I hope it never comes back. It can be lost forever and hardened for all I care. I don't ever want to feel something for anyone ever again. It's just a waste of time. I wish things aren't so complicated or I would be on the red eye flight out of this state / country, change my name, change my appearance...

So I went and helped him move again. And it was the most normal thing. He even called me hun. Then it hit me. How can such a small word hurt so much. How does one severe a tie with a soul mate? Once I do this, I can move on.

I don't understand what is going on anymore. I think I am over it, then I realize I am not. A friend tells me tonight " I wish I could give you that love. you deserve it and I'm sorry he was to big of an idiot to see it. you've always been one of my most amazing friends. if you weren't then I wouldn't of stuck around so long. Seriously, you're one of my favorite people in the world" I just don't understand. I am told I am an amazing person at least once a week. Why don't I believe it? I know why, it's because the one person I want to see it does not. I am jumping through hoops to tell this person what he wants to hear and he never lets me know it is good enough. Says he is skeptical. I care. I want to shut that part of me off. Someone needs to shut it off, replace it , whatever. I need something and I am never going to get it because I am stuck on the one person that I know is my soul mate. A soul mate that I will never have because he i...

So I originally was going to post tonight about me and my sadness but that doesn't seem relevant anymore. My life is fucked up, but nothing compares to the following. A friend has lost the love of their life. Not because they got dumped. They will never get to see them in person again. She has sadly, tragically passed on. Life is not fair. I haven't known this friend long, however for some reason I am extremely pulled to this individual. During all this hard times, he stood there and was being optimistic, happy, fun and supportive. And now, it is our turn to be there for him. Pray for him. He needs this . Tragically a heart stops, followed by a shattering Hollow pieces laying on the floor. Only time Will mend Glued together by friends The lost Love

I was daydreaming the other day then had some interesting dreams that night. I kept seeing very vivid pictures of my past. Happy ones granted. But when I opened my eyes I was sad. Because that is no longer the reality. Images of me being pregnant and cuddling while my tummy was being rubbed. Us laying on the sofa watching TV or a movie. My head in his lap just hanging out on the sofa. Little things. Meaningful to me. They are things I do not ever want to forget, yet they still bring me great pain. Things had been so simple back then. Opening car doors, store doors, any doors. Random  love notes or poems. Making sure that when I was sick, I was comfortable. Always trying to touch my hand or me in some way or another. Talking me up so I sounded as if I was amazing at work when really I am just slightly better than average. Proud of me for "being a great mom". Oh memories, why do you do this so. A Memory is a Gift A painful pleasure In momentary happiness Hold it tightly ...

There is a song that I like. And this is the description from the singer.  "'Arms' is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved but your head is always telling you reasons not to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It's about the struggle and finally giving in when you're wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins." To bad things don't work out like this. Fairy tells are not true. No matter how much I would like them to be.

So here I am, trying to make an effort like he wants me too. And the reason it was hard for me to do so is happening. Ignores my texts, ignores me, gives me one word answers. It is so frustrating. Why try when he clearly does not give a shit. Sigh. God help me, I need strength.

This month has by far been one of the worst months of my life. Obviously nothing will ever beat March 2011 when my life got screwed over and my heart was shattered to a million pieces.  But this month was just terrible. All the bad Kharma of my life just bitch slapped me in the face. The ones closest to me know all the stupid details. So goodbye August 2011. I will not miss you. Tomorrow a new month, meaning good luck time yes? Here is to hoping.

So I was going through my drawers and I came across my ring and the necklace I got for Valentine's Day. And a stabbing pain went through my heart. It completely sucked. Then I forgot about it, until now. Not sure what triggered it. But what I am about to do later this week will put the nail in the coffin forever. He will no longer be someone that I can interact with on a peaceful level. Just the baby's daddy. Oh life. How fucked up are you. I remember some of the things that we talked about when we got together. This isn't our first pass at a relationship. In this life yes. But not others. We have failed at them all. So why do we keep failing? Because we are to self absorbed in our own worlds that the other isn't important? Or because we are retarded and instead of staying friends take it to another level each time. He is the first person that I have EVER waited for. Waited. Literally. No other people had my attention. Even now. Have I forever tainted myself? Am I f...

I think I like torturing myself sometimes. I don't understand it.

I realized today that I want a few things and I have settled in the past without getting them. I can't even say want. It is more of a need at this point. I need: Romance. Affection. Love. Cute shit that someone goes out of their way to do.  I will elaborate more when I am not so tired.

I don't understand how I can be so impatient. I have two children! You would think I could take it. However, I can't. I want things, life, relationships to progress. Like Now. The only thing I don't want is for my kids to be grown up. I want them to stay frozen in time until the rest of the pieces of my life are together. That way they don't have to see me upset or crying. One day Life begins In an Sea of Love Sunshine beams It's all just a dream Its Time I follow my old ways. You are happy as as you choose be . So live strong, Laugh Hard, and love as if you have never loved before.

So here I was , thinking everything was okay and we could at least be friends. But no, that didn't happen and my family has screwed it up. Granted he is being extremely selfish and doesn't think about anything other than himself.  If I think about my feelings for one god damn second I am the fucking bad guy. As always. Sometimes I don't know why I keep trying to prolong everything, only if I was selfish, I could end it all. The world may be a better place. To bad I would never do that to my children. For them, I will stay here.

So here I have what I thought was a productive weekend. Then everything changes and it goes back to as it was.     We had a therapy session on Saturday, then we went to lunch and a movie. It finallt felt as our relationship as friends was moving forward. It was nice to hang out and be normal. I have very much missed his company.  Sunday started off great as well. Kids had been in a good mood and mom and I took my son and went out while the wee one was sleeping. Then had a few friends over. The kids asked for daddy so I had him stop by. Everything was fine. We both had been relaxing on the sofa after he got our little girl to sleep in less than five minutes. My dad then came in and sat down and then proceeded to start a conversation in front of my son calling his daddy bad names. I told him to knock it off. Then in return he told me to move out. So I need to find a new home. Then my cat, well she is very old, is dieing. She can barely move her back legs and crie...

I feel completely lost, alone and frightened. Goals have not been met. I wanted a family, a complete family. Not a broken one where my son asks me when his daddy is coming home and I have to tell him he's not. It breaks my heart every time. I want to be loved, Held, Romanced, told I'm beautiful. But not by random people. By someone who is committed to me. Who completes me once again and I complete their world. I still feel as if my soul is missing. It ran away with the person it felt it belonged to. And I am beginning to think I will never get it back and I will remain this hollow shell of nothingness. Rotting away into a perfect robot.  I realize that I have done wrong in my past, but you can't change the past only know what not to do for the future. But when your future is so unclear, how do you know what path to take? Judgement may be off and cloudy. Gut feelings may be ignored or incorrect . Life is an unfair cruel joke.  I know I have said it before, but I do really th...

Promise Yourself: To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole wo...

I wish I could say I believe that Time Heals all. Some days, everything seems fine and then others the pain is back like a freshly opened wound. Now I do know that I am slowly not loving him anymore. But at the same time, he is still who I want to be with? How fucked up is that.  I do finally once again  feel beautiful. I don't remember the last time I have had this much attention and someone calling me beautiful every single day. But at the same time I still want him to be the one who is saying it. I think I need serious help. Serious serious help. On more than an every other month basis. Damnit. Or just advice that works and makes sense. Something. Anything. " Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)"

I am so over the petty bullshit. He is always the Fucking victim. No one listens to him. He's so Fucking selfish. Lawyer time for real.

This month is now flying by. I am on a temporary assignment that I love and it keeps me busy. However, no matter what distraction I may find, he is the first and last thing I think about every single day. I just want it to stop. I don't want to love him or care about him or think about it. But I don't have a choice. It is part of my life no matter what happens. This is the absolute last public time I am saying this. I will refuse to say this in the future. It may be harmful to an extend to myself.. . But saying it hurts more. I love you. And good bye.

I really don't understand. Now that I am not in the same building it is like he talks to me more. It is sooo frustrating. I have so many things to think about and I hate it. He's being nicer. Gave me a random real hug the other day. Real hug as in long and tight and held me. I don't know. I love him. But I know it won't work. Deep down, I know it won't. So I am not going to let myself entertain that idea again. It's a trap. It always is. This weekend will be fun I hope. Good Night.

The clock ticks on, wonders from beyond. Tonight shall shine and the rest shall fall Faint crimson drips of loves lingering pain Thoughts of not holding on One always stays strong.

It seems that time just keeps going. They say time heals all. I really wish that was the case. I keep trying to stay distracted but nothing seems to work. He's the first and last thing I think about every day no matter how I try to forget him. I should hate him. I'm broke and can't even afford baby formula and when I need help, he can't give me any. Now I have to find a way to feed my kids. Second Job. Here I come.

I am not to sure on where I am at in life right now. Some days are super amazing, and the others just suck. I was doing okay and then I hang out with him, not even in person and I miss him so much. I just want to be held by him and cuddle. Silly dreams. I saw a post today "Relationships are like broken glass, you get cut more trying to pick up the pieces" At least I know all my pieces are lost.

I sit here at midnight an realized that I miss my blog. Then I felt I didn't want to write because I am tired of it being all sad and if I did have something "happy" it almost feels as a betrayal. Oh life. How silly you are. I really wish the re-evaluating was over. I remember a conversation I had. Where we mentioned that we had gone down a similar path in a previous life.  But we both had not been sure of what that path was. We thought it was apart. And maybe it was. And maybe we are supposed to be together. But, I guess if that is the case, we will have to live life once again. I do have to say, my soul is getting tired and worn out. I think it could use a rest for a bit.

I just found out that my father thinks I am a bad mom and I am a disappointment to him. So wonderful to find this out. The best part is it was done via letter so I can hold that pain forever. Apparently I am a bad person. I guess I just need to live with that. I will never mean or be anything to anyone.

Pretty much everything right now. How do you stop loving someone? I keep trying to do it... its not working.

Today I finally got him to say what he has been feeling and not skate around the issue. We are done. He can't do it. You would think that this wouldn't bother me as much, but it just cut deeper. I guess what I don't understand is all of this. He said he loved me and then made sure to let me know he was on auto pilot and doesn't mean it. I didn't even really hear it on the voicemail.  But he made sure to go above and beyond to hurt me more. Its just not fair. Why love, why can you be so cruel. Obviously today is a step back day and not forward. I just feel so very alone. I want that companionship. That comfort. The love that I know I someday deserve. But right now, I just hurt. Yes it hurts. I keep trying to take it a day at a time. But my mind likes to be full of happy endings and things that are not real. You would think I could move on. But you don't give up modeling and be a mom if you realized it wasn't long term. Oh love. How you fooled me and only me....

Hello  May. You have arrived here so fast. Mother's day around the corner. Then a few birthdays. I really don't have much to say. I mean there is a lot. But nothing I feel really matters right now. I am a bit numb to caring. or anything really. I just wanted to say. I am alive and Okay.

So I don't understand him. He actually did call and make the couples therapy appointment. Yes a week later, but he did. It honestly feels like it is what he needs to do to validate the break up. I just want it to be over and have him with his mind made up so I can be 100% sure that there is no chance. I hate wondering. I am taking it day by day and I want to move on, but that slight hope is still there. But why? He doesn't love me, I don't think he really ever has. As for you reader, I believe I know who you are because you know this man I am speaking of on an  special level. If I am wrong, I am wrong. But I don't think I am. 4 years ago you flew a long way to try to be with him. And A song to leave this post with. There's a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark Finally I can see you crystal clear Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare See how I'll leave with every piece of you Don...

It has been over 24 hours since I saw the therapist. She was nice. We didn't talk much, I did a lot of the talking. However, she said that she feels he is hiding behind an excuse. Her exact words had been " He needs to man up and stop hiding behind an excuse because it is easier." She also asked who his therapist was because she was upset that they would tell him what they did. She also mentioned that I shouldn't be the one to schedule any of our couples classes. Because if he really wants to go and work on us, he will be the one to make the effort. And I agree with her. I am no longer going to go out of my way or spend time doing what he wants me to do for "us". If he really wants it, he can make forth the effort and do it.  On a side note, he is touching me more and giving me more hugs. Strange how that happens after I tell him good bye. Another one of my friends told me today that when I start dating or when boys start taking interest in me, that it w...

I said goodbye to him tonight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was forced to do it via text since he seems to not be able to be near me.  God, please gived me the strength to move forward. I am not sure I can do it on my own.

I am having a very hard day today. This single mom thing is very difficult for me. I don't get to sleep much and the kids wake up early. I know I can do it. It is just not that easy for me right now during this adjusting phase. I know he lives right across the hall, but I don't even want to ask for help. I stayed the night with my best friend in the hospital and the whole next day he just complained how tired he was. It's like, well how the hell am I supposed to feel about that? I am tired all the time.I watch the kids all the time. I get up with them, comfort them when they cry for him. That is emotionally draining for me on top of my lack of sleep. You don't hear me complain every single day how tired I am. I had a dream last night. Or a nightmare. I can't decide what I want it to be right now. But everything was okay. I got to wear my beautiful dress and get married to him. But even now I think about that. Do I want to? I don't know anymore. One thing I use...

I have been missing from the Internet world for a few weeks now it seems. I haven't been able to find the time or desire to be on the Internet or even at my computer. So you can imagine the surprise when I get on my blog and I see a comment. A long one, from someone that I just don't know. I mean, obviously I know them. But I can't figure it out.  Whoever you are. Thank you. I cried, however it wasn't tears of pain, but of knowing you are right.  You said something, that is actually in line with what I was originally going to post about tonight and most likely still will. " Because that fiesty, funky, shining, spunky girl is irresistable." This statement, I miss being this person. Somehow, in all of this I lost this person. I am hoping it isn't lost forever just maybe stuck in the background of this now uptight, stressed out struggling to please everyone person that I have become. I also know how I ended up this way. I am going back to therapy so I can get...

Moving this weekend. It really sucks. I am sore and mentally tired and worn out. My car gets backed into today and then I find out that my headdress for the wedding is here. So I started to cry all over again. Thanks life for being the biggest asshole alive.

Why. I torture myself with hope. I cuddle with him. It means nothing to him and everything to me. He made it clear today. I am nothing but his children's mother.

Today was a bit easier. I did have a headache for a good part of the day. But I didn't cry. Not once. I am very proud of myself. And I got complimented by someone for how well I was keeping it together. Then tomorrow I have a lunch with one of my best friends. I have missed him a lot. But the lunch will be amazing and perfect! I am less stressed about moving out on my own. I know it will be okay and it is what I want to do. I had a few doubts there for a day because everyone was fighting me on it. But it is what is best for me. My kids will be provided for and they will still be coming over to grandma's during the day to be babysat. So it works out. I FINALLY washed my hair today, since Saturday. I noticed when I am upset, I will shower but not wash my hair. Maintenance sucks. But at least this way it will keep the new color longer. :) At least now I will feel clean. It doesn't matter how many times you shower, if your hair is dirty, you just feel ditry. Thankfully I br...

Today has got to be one of the hardest days of my life. I have decided that moving out would be best for me. I need to be able to grow and learn who I am once more. And learn how to do this alone, with two children. Granted, I know he will never not provide for his children. BUT, I need to know that I can provide on my own as well. We are moving into the same complex. A few doors down from each other. I am scared, anxious, nervous, and am not 100% sure I can do this on my own. But I am sure going to try. I refuse to not know if I can do this. There have been a lot of tears today. A lot. Then we went to our couples therapy orientation once more.  This one was a bit more promising. It made things almost feel as if it will be okay. Oh hope, you very fickle scary thing you are. You can either make the world brighter or shred life as we know it to pieces in a swift second.

After going through these posts, I realize that everytime I have a super rough spot in my life, my best friend is exteremly ill.... The tests we are put through. Sometimes are not right.

Here I am running back and forth between the kids room. Then I realize, in most likely, less than a week, this will be my life. Single mom with two kids.Yes he said he will help, but he won't be living with us. So there will be only so much that can be done. Things on my list of never wanting to happen are now happening. If I would of known this was the outcome, things would of been different. It's like the Who Knew song by Pink. You took my hand You showed me how You promised me you'd be around Uh huh That's right I took your words And I believed In everything You said to me Yeah huh That's right If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out Cause they're all wrong I know better Cause you said forever And ever Who knew  And I realize that the forever and ever part was being a mom. Not being partners. I am grasping to what little hope I have left. When we first got together there had been n...

It's been four days. A very long, long four days. I am going to support him through his rough time as he did for me. I have hope that once he is healed we will have a chance. Right now he doesn't feel that we do. He's done with me, but we are still going to wait until we do the couples thing before he completely gives up.  He went to a hotel for a few nights. Long nights they had been. I set here yearning for him to just be in the room, be around me. I got used to him not sleeping when I was, but it was still nice knowing he was there, in the room, if I woke up. I would sometimes wake up and just lay there watching him play on the computer. So silly it seems. But just watching him calmed me. Oh how I wish things had been different. Maybe we could of saved each other sooner. The wedding is off and it is very hard telling everyone that it is. My dad is flipping out and not being supportive. Instead he is being destructive to my life. Not even his. My love can barely han...

Here I am 23 days away from when I am supposed to get married. 10k already put in on this and he doesn't know if he wants to get married. 4 years and two children. Then again. Can I really blame him? I know I use my blog to vent. But I realize I rarely type the positive here to savor forever. But there is so much I am thankful for.  He is my life, my world and a best friend, even though right now we may be having issues and I am positive he doesn't think me his best friend. I have always had hopes that things would be fine. In fact I never doubted it. I thought we had just been going through a rough time right now because we had two kids back to back. "The first year is the hardest" with any baby. And we went through the first year with one, barely got over that and now we are still going through the first year with the other. He's right though. It did take this event to make me realize how terrible things had been for him. He's not happy,  he is super depre...

I once again know what this is like. I have been hanging out with an amazing person who makes me feel like me again. The strangest things always happen. Someday, if this person ever finds this. Thank you.  You  have saved part of me that was almost lost. There will be no way I could ever repay you for that.

It's amazing how just one person can motivate and make you feel better. Thank you to my new friend. Unexpected, but very welcomed. He  means a lot. In turn, I must help him discover that the world is not evil and full of hate. But that he is special, and people do truly love him.

So far the New Year has been interesting. Do you ever have the feeling that you just want to write? You don't care what, but you just want to write and write and write until you are so far over it, you just delete it? I have had that feeling a few times. I have never actually  written anything down though. The urge normally hits me at work, and I will never log into this there. But I do have to say I have made a friend with someone that I never thought I would. He makes me feel like a person, an individual, special. Not in a relationship type of way. But just as a friend would do. He makes my life feel like it does have value.  However I am afraid to accept it for what it is. I almost feel like he just feels obligated to be nice. Silly me. Also, I have been sick lately. Tummy upset, nauseated and stressed. My hair is falling out and my skin is blotting. I am more in a meh mood. Meh seems safe. This is the story of a girl Who cried a river and drowned the whole world And ...

I wish I could stay I am starting my New Year happy. However, at this point in time the marriage is cancelled and I am not happy. I don't know what is going on or where my life is going. I wish I could just give up.