Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 On December 10, 2022 the world lost a great man.  He taught me to be patient. He taught me to be kind. He taught me that even if you are not blood, you can be loved as family. That last part I didn't know until I was an adult. My grandfather passed away last night in his sleep. His months of suffering has finally come to an end. He was at home with my grandma surrounded in love with her and his animals where he belonged. I may have never known he was my step-grandfather until I was an adult, but that is just a title. To me, he was my grandpa. I was his birthday gift. I was the one he would sneak little tiny stuffed animals to from the grocery store. Then tell me not to tell anyone because they would get jealous. I was the one that went everywhere with him, because I was born on his birthday. Grandpa, you may have said I was your birthday gift, but to me, you had been my gift. The gift of unconditional love and happiness. You will be forever missed, and never forgotten. 

 It has been so long since I have written that I do not even know where to start. The last thing I wrote was very emotional because I was losing a friend, right at a crucial time in my life. I was in my last term of school, getting ready to take finals and my exit exam and there was still a lot happening at home. It seems like a never-ending cycle of constant struggle. But why is this a constant struggle? Well, you see, people in a situation like mine feel stuck. We have “no options” and don’t have great ways out. The resources are lacking, and the system fails us over and over again and no matter how hard we try, it is like quicksand. It’s almost too embarrassing to admit it is easier to stay in the shitty situation than to start over. So here I am writing about my last year to help everyone realize that we may not get a second chance. August 2021, I graduated College and went to Vegas with some amazing people. It was the time of my life. I started working right when I got back ...

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

 I stayed at a toxic job for 13 years. At first, it was because I loved my job. I loved the culture and the people and everything it stood for. I was a gamer at the time, even if it was not a good one. I thought I had the best job in the world. I put up with the sexual harassment, I put up with not getting a promotion and swore it wasn't because I was female. I put up with unwanted comments. I did this and watched as I lost who I was. I also stayed because it was a stable income while I was going through a shitty breakup and I needed to support my kids.  I know that I get jack shit for child support, but I don't care because I love my kids and I do what I can to support them on my own. I always will. But, I obviously need a job to do that. So I kept at a job that I hated and didn't realize I hated until I was laid off.  I know I have talked about this before, but it is important to talk about it today. Today has been a big day for me and a lot of crying. But not sad tears...

 Do you ever feel as though you can never win? My dad is constantly hounding me and I feel so alone. I try to talk to my best friend and I wish she got it, but she doesn't because she grew up with happy parents, which I wish I had and I am so happy she had. But, it leaves the support that I need lacking because the listening is caring is not there. When there is an issue with us, she ignores me and pretends to miss my phone calls and texts and that right there isn't fair. I am constantly giving her all of my water and all I ask is to leave me the last drop, and that doesn't happen and if I call her out on it, I am the bad guy? It is my water. I feel as though I keep giving myself to people who don't care. I am writing here because I have no place else to go. I don't want to talk to friends about this because we have the same circles and that isn't fair to her. She really is a good person with her own issues, but those own issues overlook and overthrow anything e...

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.

 It has been awhile because my life has been busy and I just have been so exhausted and not wanting to write anything to anyone. The last week has been blissfully quiet in my house though, so that has been nice. My dad has been in the hospital. Officially one week now. He went in originally for a really bad UTI, but he had it for DAYS and refused to let anyone take him in. By the time he went in his UTI went septic and infected his kidneys and blood. However, during this time the doctor's found he had another issue happening that was causing bile to leak into his system that was slowly killing him. Now that is being checked out. He will be in hospital care for at least another week, unless he finds a way to convince the doctor's to let him come home for treatment. During this time he called to yell at everyone saying we gave this to him and it is his fault and we sent him to the hospital to die. It is crazy to me that even when sick he still finds a way to call and harass us an...

The thing about abuse is, it doesn't stop. It just is a continuous horrible circle where the men get away with it... forever.    My dad has been yelling at my mom for days, I have been staying passive. I had a few friends over last night in a safe, controlled environment. None of us do anything that would expose us to COVID so that is why I had them over. We had a great day in the pool, then had a bonfire and then went to bed. This morning we worked together to clean up and had breakfast and they went home. I was going to clean up the kitchen after I took a nap because that was a lot of social for me.   The next thing I know is that my mom is inside crying, asking me to help her clean up. So, I go outside, and I ask her with what? The two boxes that HE KICKED to the ground?? Apparently, there was like a few pieces of trash I missed because I am only human and haven’t been back outside since everyone left. I even rinsed down the patio this morning to make sure it was c...

It's been a good month since I have posted. Mostly because school got a bit crazy and midterms happened, but not because things got better. I did start an internship and that was pretty awesome. It took me 8 weeks to find one because of COVID, but I hope to learn a lot from it. Sadly on my first night I had to deal with my dad screaming at my mom and my kiddos coming in saying that their grandpa hates them. Apparently it is their fault he was yelling at my grandma because she spends too much time with them. A grandma that spends too much time with he grandkids, who would have thought that was a thing. Some grandkids don't have a grandma and here is my dad being a typical douche. Then the other day my daughter said something about her feelings and my dad goes "wrong answer". Of course I decided to step up at this point because how dare he tell her that her feelings are invalid. Then yesterday I get home and he goes " what did you do today because apparently your m...

Sometimes I have to wonder about how we've gotten to this place. I feel like I am living in a movie, but a bad one. One where you are screaming at the TV screen that you know what happens next if you go down this road, but we do it any ways. So many movies have been written about what not to do, yet we do it anyway. It is amazing to me. I get that movies make these types of situations seem awesome and cool, but honestly, they aren't. Let us move forward, not backwards. Let's us unite, not divide. Some of us may be left behind because the idea of progressing to something greater is scary and I totally get that, but it is time we realize that this isn't about us individually, this is about us as a people.  I think of phrases that have been said throughout time and I relate to them very differently than what they may have originally been used for. The context to me no longer matters, because the idea to me has changed or evolved over time. Statements like "we the peop...

It has been over a month and I am still struggling with this Recovery. The cough does NOT go away for me. I have tested negative as my doctor FINALLY was able to give me the official test. She said she wanted to make sure I was indeed better. They ran blood tests to check for the antibody as well. So we will see how that goes come later today when I have my Televisit for my blood results. For the most part I feel great. It is just this lingering cough that will not go away to save my life. It almost feels like an allergy, but isn't as it is deep in the chest cavity. Please take care of yourselves. This will someday pass and we will have to look back on how we treated ourselves and our neighbors, and even strangers. I hope you feel good about what you did during this time. 

The pain is finally subsiding and over the counter medication seems to be helping. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had to be a statistic and went to the hospital. I know I am lucky to have a friend who is a doctor who cared for me via phone and offered my mom advice on how to get my through this illness. I know that I am by no means out of the woods as she said a relapse could totally happen, but I am at least out of bed and feeling like a human once more. I showered and put on makeup so I didn't feel like death. Today's note is going to be short as I am still exhausted. 

When you are attending a medical school for animals you still study how the immune system works. Its the same for animals as it is people. You have the innate and adaptive immune system. You're born with the innate system and this is our first line of defense against illness. Our skin is part of this defense system, but it's not specific.  Our body just fights off whatever it can.  Then we have the adaptive immune system. This is specific.  This is why the flu shot is recommended because it gives our adaptive system time to build immunity to a new virus. Now, with that being said,  back to COVID.  I am on day 3 of showing symptoms and thankfully I don't need to go to the hospital as of yet. I do however, feel like I am dying. My body is doing its best to fight this off, but without previous knowledge of this virus, it is hard. I drink so much water ever single day and I still feel dehydrated. My entire body hurts and is exhausted from the energy that us bein...

      The hardest part about being stuck in your house, is being stuck in your house with Domestic Violence. At least before the kids and I had been able to go to school during the day and have some freedom.   Week one at home wasn't that bad.  I heard him yell at my mom from time to time at night, but it was contained, and I did worry about her.  Then week two came along and it started to flow out of the room and through the house.  Wednesday, he yelled at her because she didn't want to sit outside with him because it was cold. Yesterday because she didn't want my dog to be outside while other dogs had been off leash, which is a rule. So, I intervened, and he started to take it out on me. I will take it because I don't want him to yell at my mom anymore.  Today is my mom's birthday. Stuck in a house with an abuser and not even able to take her out.  I got her flowers delivered, a beautiful sun hat and sadly I burnt dinner, but I tried...

You would think that with everything going on, my mind wouldn't go back to the one person who crushed my heart, but it does. I sit here and wonder if he even cares how we are doing during this pandemic, if we are okay. If I am holding up with severe depression and anxiety. Then I realize he most likely doesn't even care because he never loved me the way that I loved him. I just hope I can do my best for my kids and that we get through this together as a family unit. Now I am stuck in a house with my life long abuser, trying to keep my kids safe so that they are not the next victims. We cannot leave and escape to school during the day as it was canceled until the end of April, who knows, maybe forever.  I will fight for them as long as I am alive, no matter what, they are my reason for being here. This is my worst fear as a parent. Raising my kids in a world where other people may become their worst enemy. Where other people will exploit the kindness to get supplies that the...

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with ...

It finally happened. On January 15th my relationship officially ended. Granted, we haven't seen each other since our anniversary,  but it is over. He made me break it off because he wasnt man enough to do it himself.  He said he didn't want to lose my friendship and said I was being unfair for not being his friend.  He was being selfish for not realizing what he was asking.  For not realizing that he had completely crushed my heart and soul and my children's. Another man has walked out on their mom and them. Another man has deemed them not worthy to stay and he thinks it is not fair that I can't and won't stay his friend. As I wrote a letter to explain to him why I couldn't remain friends, I didn't realize I was crying until the droplets hit the paper. Giant puddles formed making my pain visible and very real. I let each one fall and stain the page so that I could start the healing process.  I allowed myself one full day to cry. One full day to realize that ...

Sometimes I dont know how to express my thoughts or feelings. This is the best I can do right now as there is still so much going on. I realize that my role in life is only mother, never wife.  That's just not in my cards.  You said you'd take care of me You said it would be fun You said we'll get married  And be a family You said you'd take care of me Even when things got hard You said no matter what, Two are better than one You said you'd take care of me I never thought you'd run Disappearing like a ghost  Forgetting all the fun You said you'd take care of me Until you realized it was work  All the pain, all the hurt  All because you said you'd take care if me And for once I believed in true love 

Sometimes the world isn't what we want it to be. I realize that crying for three hours is not normal. Nor is being up at 3:00 AM from crying and stress, but I always wonder how I will make it. I will. For my kids, but only for them. That is where I get upset. I no longer care what happens to me, I just want to make sure my babies are provided for and that I can give them the life they deserve. I'm willing to sacrifice so much for them, because I love them. That's what love should be, not holding something over someones head, or forcing them to do something they don't want to do, but to support them when they make a bad choice, and help them through it. Ivr made bad choices and always had to be my own rock, and boy, I am so runned down from it. Just once I'd like someone to be there for me, help me through the rough patches where I could break down and have a shoulder to cry on. I guess that us what this blog has always been. Years if me using the internet as a rock ...