Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

So I don't understand him. He actually did call and make the couples therapy appointment. Yes a week later, but he did. It honestly feels like it is what he needs to do to validate the break up. I just want it to be over and have him with his mind made up so I can be 100% sure that there is no chance. I hate wondering. I am taking it day by day and I want to move on, but that slight hope is still there. But why? He doesn't love me, I don't think he really ever has. As for you reader, I believe I know who you are because you know this man I am speaking of on an  special level. If I am wrong, I am wrong. But I don't think I am. 4 years ago you flew a long way to try to be with him. And A song to leave this post with. There's a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark Finally I can see you crystal clear Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare See how I'll leave with every piece of you Don...

It has been over 24 hours since I saw the therapist. She was nice. We didn't talk much, I did a lot of the talking. However, she said that she feels he is hiding behind an excuse. Her exact words had been " He needs to man up and stop hiding behind an excuse because it is easier." She also asked who his therapist was because she was upset that they would tell him what they did. She also mentioned that I shouldn't be the one to schedule any of our couples classes. Because if he really wants to go and work on us, he will be the one to make the effort. And I agree with her. I am no longer going to go out of my way or spend time doing what he wants me to do for "us". If he really wants it, he can make forth the effort and do it.  On a side note, he is touching me more and giving me more hugs. Strange how that happens after I tell him good bye. Another one of my friends told me today that when I start dating or when boys start taking interest in me, that it w...

I said goodbye to him tonight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was forced to do it via text since he seems to not be able to be near me.  God, please gived me the strength to move forward. I am not sure I can do it on my own.

I am having a very hard day today. This single mom thing is very difficult for me. I don't get to sleep much and the kids wake up early. I know I can do it. It is just not that easy for me right now during this adjusting phase. I know he lives right across the hall, but I don't even want to ask for help. I stayed the night with my best friend in the hospital and the whole next day he just complained how tired he was. It's like, well how the hell am I supposed to feel about that? I am tired all the time.I watch the kids all the time. I get up with them, comfort them when they cry for him. That is emotionally draining for me on top of my lack of sleep. You don't hear me complain every single day how tired I am. I had a dream last night. Or a nightmare. I can't decide what I want it to be right now. But everything was okay. I got to wear my beautiful dress and get married to him. But even now I think about that. Do I want to? I don't know anymore. One thing I use...

I have been missing from the Internet world for a few weeks now it seems. I haven't been able to find the time or desire to be on the Internet or even at my computer. So you can imagine the surprise when I get on my blog and I see a comment. A long one, from someone that I just don't know. I mean, obviously I know them. But I can't figure it out.  Whoever you are. Thank you. I cried, however it wasn't tears of pain, but of knowing you are right.  You said something, that is actually in line with what I was originally going to post about tonight and most likely still will. " Because that fiesty, funky, shining, spunky girl is irresistable." This statement, I miss being this person. Somehow, in all of this I lost this person. I am hoping it isn't lost forever just maybe stuck in the background of this now uptight, stressed out struggling to please everyone person that I have become. I also know how I ended up this way. I am going back to therapy so I can get...

Moving this weekend. It really sucks. I am sore and mentally tired and worn out. My car gets backed into today and then I find out that my headdress for the wedding is here. So I started to cry all over again. Thanks life for being the biggest asshole alive.

Why. I torture myself with hope. I cuddle with him. It means nothing to him and everything to me. He made it clear today. I am nothing but his children's mother.