Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

 I stayed at a toxic job for 13 years. At first, it was because I loved my job. I loved the culture and the people and everything it stood for. I was a gamer at the time, even if it was not a good one. I thought I had the best job in the world. I put up with the sexual harassment, I put up with not getting a promotion and swore it wasn't because I was female. I put up with unwanted comments. I did this and watched as I lost who I was. I also stayed because it was a stable income while I was going through a shitty breakup and I needed to support my kids.  I know that I get jack shit for child support, but I don't care because I love my kids and I do what I can to support them on my own. I always will. But, I obviously need a job to do that. So I kept at a job that I hated and didn't realize I hated until I was laid off.  I know I have talked about this before, but it is important to talk about it today. Today has been a big day for me and a lot of crying. But not sad tears...

This world we live in is so hateful and crazy. I cannot believe that I used to think it was not as bad as it is, I was so wrong. When my ten year old daughter asks me if she is safe going to school and I have to pause and think about it, it is scary. She is not full Asian as I am not Asian, but being part Asian, she is afraid to go to school. She is afraid of being discriminated against because she is proud of her ancestry and has always been vocal about that part of her life. I have always taught her to do so. I don't want her to hide any bit of who she is for any reason and now she is afraid that because some part of her is a certain way, she will be discriminated against. That is not fair, she is too young to have that fear, yet here we are. Her fears are somethig that come with past bullying at school due to her being a "mixed breed" as some of the evil children used to call her. She never really was able to fit in with anyone due to her multiracial background. It is ...

 Do you ever feel as though you can never win? My dad is constantly hounding me and I feel so alone. I try to talk to my best friend and I wish she got it, but she doesn't because she grew up with happy parents, which I wish I had and I am so happy she had. But, it leaves the support that I need lacking because the listening is caring is not there. When there is an issue with us, she ignores me and pretends to miss my phone calls and texts and that right there isn't fair. I am constantly giving her all of my water and all I ask is to leave me the last drop, and that doesn't happen and if I call her out on it, I am the bad guy? It is my water. I feel as though I keep giving myself to people who don't care. I am writing here because I have no place else to go. I don't want to talk to friends about this because we have the same circles and that isn't fair to her. She really is a good person with her own issues, but those own issues overlook and overthrow anything e...

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.

I haven't been writing because there hasn't been anything positive.  Today he actually punched my car....twice.... in front of the neighbors while yelling at me saying I was the problem.  It's so embarrassing and exhausting. It has been every single day since he's been back from the hospital.  I just want to graduate and I cannot even concentrate on school because I am so stressed at home.   My mom took the kids to my sister's right now since I had to go to work (which is still volunteer as they can't hire me until after my internship).  I feel so defeated.  He's never going to stop. 

 Sometimes I realize that if I didn't have children, I would take the easy way out of life. I would be selfish and just opt out. I dream of days when putting up a TV doesn't turn into a giant fight and being yelled at just for trying to help as asked. I dream for days where I am not walking on eggshells in my own home. Then I realize that my dreams may never come true because I decided to go into a profession that doesn't pay alot and there is no way I can afford to move out with me and two kids on that type of pay.  I am stuck now and will always be stuck because I want to make sure my kids have a home. I live with a narcissistic person who calls me names, who is racist and who yells all the time.  I know this isn't my normal "no matter what I got this" feel, but my fight is draining. He's won, nothing matters anymore because this is just what my life is. A continual circle of abuse.  I haven't written in a while because of how depressed I have felt. ...