Sigh and more Sigh
So I was going through my drawers and I came across my ring and the necklace I got for Valentine's Day. And a stabbing pain went through my heart. It completely sucked. Then I forgot about it, until now. Not sure what triggered it. But what I am about to do later this week will put the nail in the coffin forever. He will no longer be someone that I can interact with on a peaceful level. Just the baby's daddy. Oh life. How fucked up are you.
I remember some of the things that we talked about when we got together. This isn't our first pass at a relationship. In this life yes. But not others. We have failed at them all. So why do we keep failing? Because we are to self absorbed in our own worlds that the other isn't important? Or because we are retarded and instead of staying friends take it to another level each time.
He is the first person that I have EVER waited for. Waited. Literally. No other people had my attention. Even now. Have I forever tainted myself? Am I forever Lost? A part of my heart is. I don't see how it would be fair to me to even try to give it to someone else. They will never, and I know this deep down. NEVER have my whole heart. Part of it is already gone and always will be. I can deal with that. But can someone else? Most likely not. I fully believe that I need to learn to be who I am now, with part of me missing. He is part of me. If not half, at least one third. I know this because everything I do, I think of him. Not always missing him. But always always thinking of him. I know I deserve better than what he gave me. But for some reason I can't seem to function without him in my life. I am just drawn to him. A string , no matter how small, is holding me there. I fully believe if we didn't have children, that string would still be there. He wasn't always a negative part of my life. He was my entire world for so long. Yes I was retarded and never really expressed how grateful I was for the things he did to me. But it is human nature to remember the negative over the positive. Going over all the wonderful things now won't make time reverse. The damage is done and to me, we are past the point of redemption. Seven months is a long time to be apart from someone to even think about starting over. I hate it. I do. But I can't let myself go back. I will be ruined I think. To much negative past for repair. Especially at this point. We both handled this poorly.
I know that this is always such an emo fest. And I do apologize for that. But it is my outlet. I am not always sad and upset and angry. I know that it may seem like it, but I normally bottle this emotion up until I am presented with an outlet. It can be friends. However I hate putting this on them. A person can only take so much emo before they are done with it.
Promises of Forever
Scatter my thoughts
Broken dreams are
however, my reality.
Life as we know,
always changes
Only hope for brightness
And the future shall be told
I noticed something I said back in March 2011.
"I have promised one thing. I will stand by him in his time of need until he forces me away. Even then, I will still be here, silently. I have hope that someday it will work out and that everything will be fine. I want to be more then best friends. I want to be his partner, forever, until the day I die. "
I have broken that promise a little bit. Not completely, but enough to realize I am not sure if I even know how to control my anger. I still worry about him, but I no longer feel I should defend him. And yes, I have said some things I regeret completely, out of anger and frustration and it wasn't right. But I did it. And it makes me sad. However... the grave has been dug, and not by me. I may have opened some eyes to this grave, but I did not dig it. Oh life. Again. I must say, fuck you.
I remember some of the things that we talked about when we got together. This isn't our first pass at a relationship. In this life yes. But not others. We have failed at them all. So why do we keep failing? Because we are to self absorbed in our own worlds that the other isn't important? Or because we are retarded and instead of staying friends take it to another level each time.
He is the first person that I have EVER waited for. Waited. Literally. No other people had my attention. Even now. Have I forever tainted myself? Am I forever Lost? A part of my heart is. I don't see how it would be fair to me to even try to give it to someone else. They will never, and I know this deep down. NEVER have my whole heart. Part of it is already gone and always will be. I can deal with that. But can someone else? Most likely not. I fully believe that I need to learn to be who I am now, with part of me missing. He is part of me. If not half, at least one third. I know this because everything I do, I think of him. Not always missing him. But always always thinking of him. I know I deserve better than what he gave me. But for some reason I can't seem to function without him in my life. I am just drawn to him. A string , no matter how small, is holding me there. I fully believe if we didn't have children, that string would still be there. He wasn't always a negative part of my life. He was my entire world for so long. Yes I was retarded and never really expressed how grateful I was for the things he did to me. But it is human nature to remember the negative over the positive. Going over all the wonderful things now won't make time reverse. The damage is done and to me, we are past the point of redemption. Seven months is a long time to be apart from someone to even think about starting over. I hate it. I do. But I can't let myself go back. I will be ruined I think. To much negative past for repair. Especially at this point. We both handled this poorly.
I know that this is always such an emo fest. And I do apologize for that. But it is my outlet. I am not always sad and upset and angry. I know that it may seem like it, but I normally bottle this emotion up until I am presented with an outlet. It can be friends. However I hate putting this on them. A person can only take so much emo before they are done with it.
Promises of Forever
Scatter my thoughts
Broken dreams are
however, my reality.
Life as we know,
always changes
Only hope for brightness
And the future shall be told
I noticed something I said back in March 2011.
"I have promised one thing. I will stand by him in his time of need until he forces me away. Even then, I will still be here, silently. I have hope that someday it will work out and that everything will be fine. I want to be more then best friends. I want to be his partner, forever, until the day I die. "
I have broken that promise a little bit. Not completely, but enough to realize I am not sure if I even know how to control my anger. I still worry about him, but I no longer feel I should defend him. And yes, I have said some things I regeret completely, out of anger and frustration and it wasn't right. But I did it. And it makes me sad. However... the grave has been dug, and not by me. I may have opened some eyes to this grave, but I did not dig it. Oh life. Again. I must say, fuck you.
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