Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I am not to sure on where I am at in life right now. Some days are super amazing, and the others just suck. I was doing okay and then I hang out with him, not even in person and I miss him so much. I just want to be held by him and cuddle. Silly dreams. I saw a post today "Relationships are like broken glass, you get cut more trying to pick up the pieces" At least I know all my pieces are lost.

I sit here at midnight an realized that I miss my blog. Then I felt I didn't want to write because I am tired of it being all sad and if I did have something "happy" it almost feels as a betrayal. Oh life. How silly you are. I really wish the re-evaluating was over. I remember a conversation I had. Where we mentioned that we had gone down a similar path in a previous life.  But we both had not been sure of what that path was. We thought it was apart. And maybe it was. And maybe we are supposed to be together. But, I guess if that is the case, we will have to live life once again. I do have to say, my soul is getting tired and worn out. I think it could use a rest for a bit.

I just found out that my father thinks I am a bad mom and I am a disappointment to him. So wonderful to find this out. The best part is it was done via letter so I can hold that pain forever. Apparently I am a bad person. I guess I just need to live with that. I will never mean or be anything to anyone.

Pretty much everything right now. How do you stop loving someone? I keep trying to do it... its not working.

Today I finally got him to say what he has been feeling and not skate around the issue. We are done. He can't do it. You would think that this wouldn't bother me as much, but it just cut deeper. I guess what I don't understand is all of this. He said he loved me and then made sure to let me know he was on auto pilot and doesn't mean it. I didn't even really hear it on the voicemail.  But he made sure to go above and beyond to hurt me more. Its just not fair. Why love, why can you be so cruel. Obviously today is a step back day and not forward. I just feel so very alone. I want that companionship. That comfort. The love that I know I someday deserve. But right now, I just hurt. Yes it hurts. I keep trying to take it a day at a time. But my mind likes to be full of happy endings and things that are not real. You would think I could move on. But you don't give up modeling and be a mom if you realized it wasn't long term. Oh love. How you fooled me and only me....

Hello  May. You have arrived here so fast. Mother's day around the corner. Then a few birthdays. I really don't have much to say. I mean there is a lot. But nothing I feel really matters right now. I am a bit numb to caring. or anything really. I just wanted to say. I am alive and Okay.