Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I mentioned a bit ago that I lost my soul mate. Whatever that really means. However I realized there is someone who lives  8000 miles away that can make me smile by just a thought. I am sure it is just infatuation with the unknown. At least it is something to hold onto when I feel so alone.  I also realize that my sadness comes from being alone during the holidays yet again. I want love. I want to love. Maybe soon.

I have finally hit it. After all these years of fighting it. I feel completely empty. It's to the point where it just don't want to care anymore. I cry myself to sleep every single night. Why? Because I do a masterful job of pushing everyone away it seems. Oh let's not forget the part where my family pretty much hates me. I'm lonely. I have no family support. I know that I used to get tossed aside a lot for my sister. We'll now...mom just doesn't have the time for me. With my oldest sister and her two kids living with us, by the time I get home mom doesn't have a moment for me. Who do I get to talk to? Myself I guess. I sit here and reflect and realize I am not happy. I don't do anything Nobel for a job . I mean I am almost thirty and I'm not even a manager in customer support. So worthless. I have little self value lately. Maybe because I'm lonely. God knows. I'm broke, so I can't go visit friends and apparently I live too far for any to...

   I wanted to start with I am doing a lot better. Just some days suck and some days don't. Others tend to just blend and time just passes by.  I was driving the other day and found myself incredibly sad. Not like a " my life is over" type of sad. But more of a " Huh, what am I doing with myself" type of sad. After seven years at my current job, I feel stagnant, useless and not appreciated. I feel that my full potential is not being met. I was in the Medical Field when I was younger .. what am I doing now? Support. Yes in the medical field you don't get appreciation, but at least there YOU KNOW you did something to help and even save lives. With support, sure you help, you answer questions, but what am I saving?  Nothing, not even myself. It is easy to fall in the trap of comfort, routine, Blindness. I don't want it anymore. I want to be out there, saving lives for real. Not just in pixels. Any monkey could do what I am doing now.  With that being sa...