Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Torn. Broken. Shattered. Lost. Confused. Darkness. Empty. Void. Pain. Lies. Light. Hope. Faith. Strong. Passionate. Love. Loyalty. Sad when the bad outweighs the good.

I have no other title. It is how I feel and how I am looking at things now. I am just not caring at this point. I was yelled at so bad last night it took me back to a previous relationship. He got in my face and was screaming and the first thing that came in my mind was that I was about to be hit. I know he would never, at least I hope he would never. But I was so scared. I had a panic attack and ended up locking myself in my bathroom with the lights off until I could calm down. I had terribly thoughts of ways to end it all and that just scared me because I haven't had those kind of thoughts in a very long time. I know it was due to the anxiety only. And I can't stop listening to that song.

Sometimes, this feels like my life. The hitting = Verbal in my case. [Chorus - Rihanna:] Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie   [Eminem] I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight High off of love, drunk from my hate, It's like I'm huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! Where you going? "I'm leaving you" No you ain't. Come back we're running right back. Here we go again It's so insane cause when it's going good, it...

So I thought this weekend was going to be great. Just us, no kids since Thursday night. I was so wrong. He was grumpy because his week sucked and he is tired. As usual. Always tired. So am I and I don't complain about it as much as him.  So whatever. Then Friday, was okay, not to terrible. Mostly tired because I worked that evening. Saturday Morning I worked at 6 am. Then when I got off we went to "dinner" and then to the concert. After the Concert we saw a bunch of people we know.  And while in this crowd he once again disrespected me. I literally just walked away this time. Of course it was turned around on me and made me look like the ass. I am just so tired of the constant public disrespect. I want to listen to my grandma and keep on trying. But why, if I am the only one willing to try to make things better.

Why is it that no matter what. THIS FUCKING BITCH IS IN MY LIFE. First she goes after my guy best friend. Now she is going after my sister. Like I understand that she is proud of herself for being a homewrecking whore. But the damage was already done, stop trying to destroy me more. I don't have much else.

There was a lot of crying today. And giving back of the ring. I just don't want to do this anymore. There is no respect at all. We talk and nothing gets heard. Neither one of us is willing to bend. He's older,  yet I feel that I am the one who has to do everything. I always have to be the stronger one, the bigger person. Why can't I just not. For one day. Then after I thought it couldn't get worse, the spot I applied for has been filled. Then my friend brings up old news with the stupid whore. ksajdfkasjfakjasdfa All I can say in all this is I love you Grandma, and I love you my best friend of all time.

He looks at me like he wants to say something, but won't. He looks at me , like I am the plague. He looks at me like he no longer knows what to do. The look is something I don't like to see. As I'm standing here in the Dark, Still as a predator waiting for prey Wondering if Daylight will ever arise. Realization of fate to come, never brings happiness. A sharp knife, and a Dull pain Words can bring even, the strongest willed down. Silence, will ruin it all. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I doing this for me or for my kids? I would like to think both. However, if kids had not been involved, I would of been long gone. My entire life, I have never been with one person who was faithful. There was someone once, and he would of been faithful, and very attentive, however he wasn't something I could see ever being special. Am I just attracted to people that can't respect me as a person? Who are morally bankrupt? ( not all granted ) . May...

It just seems nothing is ever going to change. His friend died and instead of letting me be there for him, he is blocking me out more. Yells at me and makes scene's at work.  I feel that I have to tiptoe around everything I say. There is so much that we need to discuss and it just isn't getting there. I am afraid to discuss anything with him this week because his way of dealing with death is all internal. He told me to back off. But yet he gets mad if I don't talk to him right away about things that upset me. It is a loose - loose situation. I also found at that another one of my friends let the slut who was sending dirty pictures do things to him. This hurt me more than I ever thought it would. I guess it just proves that no matter what, you can't really trust anyone but yourself and your dearest nearest friend. She knows who she is. I have been acting like it doesn't bother me so I can be there for him during his time of need. But it does bother me and it hurts...