Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 It has been awhile because my life has been busy and I just have been so exhausted and not wanting to write anything to anyone. The last week has been blissfully quiet in my house though, so that has been nice. My dad has been in the hospital. Officially one week now. He went in originally for a really bad UTI, but he had it for DAYS and refused to let anyone take him in. By the time he went in his UTI went septic and infected his kidneys and blood. However, during this time the doctor's found he had another issue happening that was causing bile to leak into his system that was slowly killing him. Now that is being checked out. He will be in hospital care for at least another week, unless he finds a way to convince the doctor's to let him come home for treatment. During this time he called to yell at everyone saying we gave this to him and it is his fault and we sent him to the hospital to die. It is crazy to me that even when sick he still finds a way to call and harass us an...

I hate that I feel trapped and that I have trapped my kids in this horrible situation with me. I chose to go back to school instead of finding a new job when I got laid off, and now I am dealing with that pain. So many times, people believe that Domestic Abuse/Violence is just between partners. Folks don't realize that there are so many other dynamics that can take place in these situations. As long as I can remember my dad has yelled at my mom and thrown stuff at her. I even called the cops on him when I was 13 years old and watched them hand cuff him to the banister. I was taken to school in a cop car so I wouldn't be late because I opted to go to school instead of being taken hours to a family member while the cops dealt with my parents. The rest of the day was a blur and I blocked it out.  This behavior never stopped, he just got better at hiding it, or I just got better at ignoring what was going on because I was determined to try and live a normal life. Who really knows w...

 Just becase I haven't made a post, doesn't mean the abuse has stopped or that things have gotten better or worse. Life just is crazy and I hate it or love it depending on the day.  I finished my internship and got a volunteer gig at a place that I love and that keeps me busy, got to my next term and it is crazy packed and hard as hell, got two parrots and another chicken, so a lot is going on. But the home life is still hard, and that is why I am writing tonight.  Fair warning, it is not pretty and may trigger some. I had a moment where I clearly thought what I would write in a suicide note, where I would put it so my mom would be the one to find it, where I would go and how I would do it and who would find me, because I wouldn't want it to be my kids.  Then, I just cried. I won't do it, but I wanted to because my dad is so freaking mean all time. All he does is scream and yell and torment everyone, every single day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I am so ch...

The thing about abuse is, it doesn't stop. It just is a continuous horrible circle where the men get away with it... forever.    My dad has been yelling at my mom for days, I have been staying passive. I had a few friends over last night in a safe, controlled environment. None of us do anything that would expose us to COVID so that is why I had them over. We had a great day in the pool, then had a bonfire and then went to bed. This morning we worked together to clean up and had breakfast and they went home. I was going to clean up the kitchen after I took a nap because that was a lot of social for me.   The next thing I know is that my mom is inside crying, asking me to help her clean up. So, I go outside, and I ask her with what? The two boxes that HE KICKED to the ground?? Apparently, there was like a few pieces of trash I missed because I am only human and haven’t been back outside since everyone left. I even rinsed down the patio this morning to make sure it was c...

It's been a good month since I have posted. Mostly because school got a bit crazy and midterms happened, but not because things got better. I did start an internship and that was pretty awesome. It took me 8 weeks to find one because of COVID, but I hope to learn a lot from it. Sadly on my first night I had to deal with my dad screaming at my mom and my kiddos coming in saying that their grandpa hates them. Apparently it is their fault he was yelling at my grandma because she spends too much time with them. A grandma that spends too much time with he grandkids, who would have thought that was a thing. Some grandkids don't have a grandma and here is my dad being a typical douche. Then the other day my daughter said something about her feelings and my dad goes "wrong answer". Of course I decided to step up at this point because how dare he tell her that her feelings are invalid. Then yesterday I get home and he goes " what did you do today because apparently your m...

Living in a house with a racist and a domestic violent abuser is one of the hardest situations I have ever had to deal with. Imagine yourself as a single parent with two mixed children. You are white female, but your kids are only half white. You find yourself with an abusive father, always has been and you already do everything to make sure your kids are protected from that, but now, when you find yourself fighting to be on the right side of history, you are in a house where someone is on the wrong side of it. It doesn't shock me at all that he is, but what does surprise me is how unwilling he is to listen to anyone else when it comes to their views. I have to wonder what he is going to do when my Black Lives Matter paraphernalia comes in. I got T-shirts, hats, face coverings, mugs for myself and the kids so we can go out and fight for a good cause. I never imagined I would have to fight that cause in my own home as well. My dad’s excuse is as simple as “my grandparent’s got thr...

Sometimes I have to wonder about how we've gotten to this place. I feel like I am living in a movie, but a bad one. One where you are screaming at the TV screen that you know what happens next if you go down this road, but we do it any ways. So many movies have been written about what not to do, yet we do it anyway. It is amazing to me. I get that movies make these types of situations seem awesome and cool, but honestly, they aren't. Let us move forward, not backwards. Let's us unite, not divide. Some of us may be left behind because the idea of progressing to something greater is scary and I totally get that, but it is time we realize that this isn't about us individually, this is about us as a people.  I think of phrases that have been said throughout time and I relate to them very differently than what they may have originally been used for. The context to me no longer matters, because the idea to me has changed or evolved over time. Statements like "we the peop...

I find myself overwhelmed with emotions today. It started early this morning when I picked up my son's belongings from school. His yearbook, void of any fun signatures from friends. Nothing that marked a fun end of the year. I cried as I wrote a note in his yearbook on why it was blank. Because of COVID. I then came back to my room and cried because there was so much more I was thinking about. My poor little babies have to grow up in a world of civil unrest, racism and domestic violence.  Then I went through my day, taking my classes, stressing out wondering why there is so much hate in this world. How we have fallen so far, so fast. I do not understand how people can hate one another so passionately for no real reason. I reflected on a conversation I had with a friend this weekend, on how if everyone was just nice to one another how the world would be so much easier. We are the people that say hello to strangers and smile at random people to brighten their day. We both understand ...

Another day in the life of Domestic Violence.  So far, it is on the mild side. First, I got a package and instead of it being placed nicely it was thrown on the ground. Mom asked who it was for and he replied with It's not for you or me. So I was like "obviously it's for me since he can't just say that it is". Again, I know I could have ignored him being mean to my mom and throwing my breakable package on the ground,  but after 70+ days of lockdown and this abuse it gets really hard to just take it.  So that pissed him off. He finishes making his dinner that I purchased for everyone and goes outside.  But he left the microwave open because it was dirty and one of us needed to clean it, god forbid he do that. Then I look at the counter where he made his dinner and he left a giant mess. He does every day. He never cleans up after himself and then he yells at me or my mom for the mess.  It is unreal. I really don't understand how the VA hospital is ok...

Here we are, another day and more yelling. Still over the boxes in the garage. I still don't have time to go through them and I told him I wasn't ready. He was LIVID that I didn't stop my entire life to go through the boxes that he pulled down and does not want to go through. I know I shouldn't have run my mouth but I did tell him that he cannot control me and he has no right to yell at me because I didn't pull the boxes down, he did. I told him that I would go rent a storage unit and put all the boxes in the unit until I was ready to go through them and that just set him off even more. He told me to fuck off and kept screaming at me even though I offered a solution to get the boxes out of the garage. But the main issue here wasn't that I found a solution, it was that I wasn't doing it HIS WAY. I wasn't following exactly with what he wanted.  I am so tired of women being treated like this and people thinking it is okay. Domestic issues are over looked ev...

I had a seemingly good day today. I got a lot of work done that needed to be done and was doing my best to avoid any conflict. I even got a lot off my chest about things that really bothered me. Had a lovely night watching movies on the projector on the side of the house and then as everyone is getting ready to go to bed, at 10:45 pm, my beautiful day was ruined. This started a few days ago and it is finally coming out and everyone is the target. Three days ago the "father figure" decided it was a good idea to take a bunch of boxes down and put them out in the garage. Now his car is parked out front like mine is always parked out front. Big Deal. He started a project that he expected other's to finish. What I mean is this. He took the boxes down and flatly told mom "fix this, clean it up". Who does that, it was his project and now he is demanding she cleans it. But the kicker is he wants her to do it while it is 100 degrees outside with no regard to her health o...

Normally I am not a political person. I stay out of it with my opinions and sit on the sidelines. I want to be a neutral party where both sides can speak their mind and not worry about which side I am on. But, at this point in our history I don't feel I can be neutral any longer. This hatred in our world needs to stop. I know that I have gotten away with so much because of my skin color and frankly it's 100% bullshit.  Let me give you some backstory on why I say this. I am a 34 year old white lady, about to be 35 years old. I have been pulled over a fair amount of times in my life and there have been things I have said and done that if I was not white, and not a lady, I would have been arrested, beaten or even shot. I know that I am privileged, and it is infuriating and not right. It's never been something I have abused, but it is not something I really thought a lot about until recently. I started to go through my life experiences and wondered how the outcomes would have b...

I cannot believe it is already Mother's Day. I am excited as my unemployement has finally processed and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been sitting here waiting for it to process for a month now and nothing. I have called over 500 times and E-mailed once a day for the past two weeks. Needless to say, this was the best mother's day gift I could get. Though, requirements have changed and it now says I must be looking for work even though before I didn't need to as I am in school full time. So I may have messed something up. The entire thing is confusing. In other news, all has been quiet in the crazy front, at least for a few days. Which means we may have an interesting week ahead of us. I have a week off from school and I need to find an internship. I need to use this week to see if I can find someone who will take me. Life is just crazy right now and I am trying to take it one day at a time. Short blog for tonight, be good to one another and remember ...

This blog has always been my release of thoughts. Word Vomit into the nothingness of the internet. When I started posting over 13 years ago, the internet was a much different beast than it is today. Social media is so huge now, and everyone does it.       First, this blog helped me get through one of the most devastating losses of my life, at least I thought it was a loss. Now it is more of an annoyance that I have to deal with for a few more years. Watching someone not care about their kids is always a hard thing. I am sure he cares in his own way, just not in a way that is healthy for the babies. But that is not the point of today's post.       I realized that recently I have been talking a lot about something I have kept hidden from the world for a long time. Why? Because it has been something that is uncomfortable to talk about and is embarrassing to talk about and frankly, scary to talk about. Domestic Violence isn't something that you can j...

It has been over a month and I am still struggling with this Recovery. The cough does NOT go away for me. I have tested negative as my doctor FINALLY was able to give me the official test. She said she wanted to make sure I was indeed better. They ran blood tests to check for the antibody as well. So we will see how that goes come later today when I have my Televisit for my blood results. For the most part I feel great. It is just this lingering cough that will not go away to save my life. It almost feels like an allergy, but isn't as it is deep in the chest cavity. Please take care of yourselves. This will someday pass and we will have to look back on how we treated ourselves and our neighbors, and even strangers. I hope you feel good about what you did during this time. 

The pain is finally subsiding and over the counter medication seems to be helping. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had to be a statistic and went to the hospital. I know I am lucky to have a friend who is a doctor who cared for me via phone and offered my mom advice on how to get my through this illness. I know that I am by no means out of the woods as she said a relapse could totally happen, but I am at least out of bed and feeling like a human once more. I showered and put on makeup so I didn't feel like death. Today's note is going to be short as I am still exhausted. 

When you are attending a medical school for animals you still study how the immune system works. Its the same for animals as it is people. You have the innate and adaptive immune system. You're born with the innate system and this is our first line of defense against illness. Our skin is part of this defense system, but it's not specific.  Our body just fights off whatever it can.  Then we have the adaptive immune system. This is specific.  This is why the flu shot is recommended because it gives our adaptive system time to build immunity to a new virus. Now, with that being said,  back to COVID.  I am on day 3 of showing symptoms and thankfully I don't need to go to the hospital as of yet. I do however, feel like I am dying. My body is doing its best to fight this off, but without previous knowledge of this virus, it is hard. I drink so much water ever single day and I still feel dehydrated. My entire body hurts and is exhausted from the energy that us bein...

      The hardest part about being stuck in your house, is being stuck in your house with Domestic Violence. At least before the kids and I had been able to go to school during the day and have some freedom.   Week one at home wasn't that bad.  I heard him yell at my mom from time to time at night, but it was contained, and I did worry about her.  Then week two came along and it started to flow out of the room and through the house.  Wednesday, he yelled at her because she didn't want to sit outside with him because it was cold. Yesterday because she didn't want my dog to be outside while other dogs had been off leash, which is a rule. So, I intervened, and he started to take it out on me. I will take it because I don't want him to yell at my mom anymore.  Today is my mom's birthday. Stuck in a house with an abuser and not even able to take her out.  I got her flowers delivered, a beautiful sun hat and sadly I burnt dinner, but I tried...

You would think that with everything going on, my mind wouldn't go back to the one person who crushed my heart, but it does. I sit here and wonder if he even cares how we are doing during this pandemic, if we are okay. If I am holding up with severe depression and anxiety. Then I realize he most likely doesn't even care because he never loved me the way that I loved him. I just hope I can do my best for my kids and that we get through this together as a family unit. Now I am stuck in a house with my life long abuser, trying to keep my kids safe so that they are not the next victims. We cannot leave and escape to school during the day as it was canceled until the end of April, who knows, maybe forever.  I will fight for them as long as I am alive, no matter what, they are my reason for being here. This is my worst fear as a parent. Raising my kids in a world where other people may become their worst enemy. Where other people will exploit the kindness to get supplies that the...

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with ...

It finally happened. On January 15th my relationship officially ended. Granted, we haven't seen each other since our anniversary,  but it is over. He made me break it off because he wasnt man enough to do it himself.  He said he didn't want to lose my friendship and said I was being unfair for not being his friend.  He was being selfish for not realizing what he was asking.  For not realizing that he had completely crushed my heart and soul and my children's. Another man has walked out on their mom and them. Another man has deemed them not worthy to stay and he thinks it is not fair that I can't and won't stay his friend. As I wrote a letter to explain to him why I couldn't remain friends, I didn't realize I was crying until the droplets hit the paper. Giant puddles formed making my pain visible and very real. I let each one fall and stain the page so that I could start the healing process.  I allowed myself one full day to cry. One full day to realize that ...

Sometimes I dont know how to express my thoughts or feelings. This is the best I can do right now as there is still so much going on. I realize that my role in life is only mother, never wife.  That's just not in my cards.  You said you'd take care of me You said it would be fun You said we'll get married  And be a family You said you'd take care of me Even when things got hard You said no matter what, Two are better than one You said you'd take care of me I never thought you'd run Disappearing like a ghost  Forgetting all the fun You said you'd take care of me Until you realized it was work  All the pain, all the hurt  All because you said you'd take care if me And for once I believed in true love