Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

That moment when you realize you are alone. Completely alone and always the spare tire. Kids have each other, parents and my sister and her boy friend. Being alone at night, stressed out and utterly exhausted does evil things to your mind.

I have been meaning to update this for a very long time now. But it is just  crazy how fast the days are passing by. I was like, Oh I will post in the beginning of October. And look, it is almost December!  Some  days are good, some bad, some just normal. I had a wonderful opportunity at work to better myself. Now that I have the experience behind me, I am very pleased with the directions I can go. So work is great. Sometimes a bit disappointing, but what isn't. Relationships are always a tough one for me. Pretty sure my relationship picker is broken and I should just not date anymore. There was this guy, I have liked for almost six months now. It finally felt we had been making progress to the right direction and then this new girl pops up. He knew her for less than a week and I meant nothing anymore Even though he told me he likes to move slow and not date people at work. HA!  It hurt, but I am sure it is for the best. We talked about it earlier this week. He tol...

I know I haven't come here for a bit. Life just got a some what busy and passing me by. I have just been focusing on working and raising the kids and not much else. I have been going to see my therapist every two weeks and I believe that is going well for me. I am a temporary supervisor at work right now ( for a full 4 weeks ) so at least I have that going for me. Got turned down for two other spots that I really wanted though. So I guess that is my life. Forever stuck with what I am doing until I can find a way to go back to school and afford raising my kids. That's all I got for now.

I wish I could say I haven't been posting due to happiness. Very much the opposite. I have been really down and pretty much been ignoring the world. Threw myself into extra work, and the kids. Now that I reached the burnt out point I am finally taking a break. I have been thinking about posting, just haven't. I am just tired of being lonely and having to deal with all the wannabes who really just want a good time and not the long term.  Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of flings. I have to make at stake for that. One day, when the right Man finally appears I may be able to go down that road. But I am tired of having to try to find it with all these stupid game playing boys. It astounds me that boys are way more drama and play way more games than most girls I know. Side note, I have lost another 15 lbs. I can see my waist again. I really have nothing of substance right now. So goodnight internet world. (aka just not posting but not actually sleeping. I don't ...

I will fucking matter

I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark, I thought that you'd be here, by now. Theres nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, Im listening, but there's no sound. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm lookin' for a place, I'm searchin' for a face, Is anybody here I know, Cause' nothin's goin right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ya eah Oh, why is everything so confusing, Mayb...

I woke up. Made Bacon, Eggs and homemade Hash browns. Got screamed at by my son for no real good reason. Just because he was in a bad mood and wasn't getting his way. Got flowers for my mom.  Made sure she had some time to relax. I know that Mother's day isn't about getting gifts. But I didn't even feel like I was appreciated. Today was by far the worst Mother's Day I have ever had. I have been spending the last few hours just crying because I am burnt out from being up since 6am and then being screamed at all day by a three year old who ALWAYS has anger issues the day after he comes home.  I feel like the most unloved, under appreciated person in the world right now. I didn't even get a card from anyone. Nothing to show that hey, we know you are working your ass off, and are burnt out but you're a great mom and thanks for what you do! Maybe my fears are true. That I am a terrible mom and don't deserve anything.

It is so awesome how the boys always ask about my best friend. Is she single? Do you think she will like me? Thanks BROS. Lets not think how this would make me feel. It's cool. I'm forever fucking chop liver to anything with a Penis. Awesome. FML

So I noticed that people I work with or have worked with have a terribly warped perception of me and it is really annoying. Not wanting to tell me about things or invite me to things because they apparently don't think I can be an adult. Oh Hunnie, we didn't want you to have to be around XX person. Well shouldn't I be the one to make that choice? Instead you make it for me. Guess what. FUCK YOU GUYS. I am a big girl. I think I should be able to make those choices by myself. You don't need to make them for me. By "protecting" me, just shows that you don't think I am fucking adult enough to make those choices. So once more. Go fuck yourself.  Go fuck your delusional mind. Please understand that even if I don't care for someone, does not fucking mean I can't handle a situation and be nice. I have proven myself in the past over and over again that I can be nice even when I don't particularly like someone. SO FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT. Especially sin...

Here I am, sitting at the beach. I can no longer feel my toes. By myself... I will update the rest later. Later came like half a week later. So I sat on the beach and just watched the waves and looked at the stars. It was relaxing for a bit then I got super depressed and realize I have no one to share it with. I can just keep hoping some day someone will like me for me.

I am going to start off with my frame of mind this month.  It was just a crappy month in General for me. Everything bad that could happen, happened.  Flat Tire and just random emotional shit going through my head.  Hard to explain so lets scratch that.... but leave it... To respond to my Defeated comment. I am hard on myself because I just can't seem to pull it together and work out like I need too. I am always up so late with the kids that I just go right to bed and then wake up and go right to work.  Sure it may be excuses, but I am just always exhausted and it is easier to be lazy. However now that my diabetes has returned I will need to focus on this a bit more. Dearest I forgave you long ago because I never even really hated you. Frustrated, upset and sad that I lost a friend over a boy that I never really "had". Frustrated about that whole situation really. I have my up and downs. Lately downs. But I am working on being me again. I go out and dance more,...

So,  I realized that it doesn't matter if I have a great personality. The world just sees cow.

It is a hard thing to think of something that has happened almost ten years ago. The last two weeks have been a bit rough on me. I should clarify this has nothing to do with the ex and everything to do with my new life. First I realized that someone who I thought was a friend is just a kid who loves attention and will manipulate girls to get it. Making them think they have a chance and they never do. I stopped interaction with this person, not worth it. Having some girl move cross country for him with the thought that she has a chance.  Not that I like her per say. Anyone who is willing to leave their kid behind is not a good person. Sorry. That's your baby, they go where you go no matter what. Then there is this super sweet boy and I think I forgot that he just had a life c hanging event a merely 6 months ago. I had it in my head that he may have been ready for a relationship. Boy was I wrong. He gets so rude or so emo. Just can't even handle it. I am going to take a few ...

Sometimes I don't understand things. First I am told for my Birthday I am being sent on vacation. Has that planning happened? FUCK NO. Instead they are all going on vacation that they planned for themselves and guess who wasn't invited. THIS FUCKING GUY. Then because I work later, my babysitters think it is okay to let the kids stay up later. NOT OKAY. ITS 11 MOTHER FUCKING THIRTY. THEY JUST WENT TO SLEEP. Done. Just so done right now.

Realizing you have been holding on to something for so long for no reason is always a slap in the face. I have been holding onto something for at least three years. Things have been far past gone before I was even preggers for the first time. Oh Silly me. Tonight. I was me. Spontaneous. Fun. Happy. Main word HAPPY. I was truely okay with how things are today. Learned. Loved. Broke. Repaired. Maybe broke a bit more. But something I used to say.. however not relevent.... Truth  may hurt a bit, but lies will leave a scar forever....   This lie of a life, WILL NOT happen. This bird's wings are no longer clipper. She is Free. Free to fly.  Free to Love and free to be Happy and not worry about anything but herself and her babies.  If you are lucky, you may be able to have this bird someday. Somday. Not now. But someday this amazing beautiful free bird,  may be something you can admire.

I Am So Sick Of The MOTHER FUCKING LIES

Things have changed so much so fast. One day, you are surrounded by friends that you consider family. Then you are not. So many people out of jobs. So many people that you love gone from your daily life. It is amazing how fast things can happen. It is hard to put down in words how I feel. Sure I kept my job, and I know some people are upset that I did. Or bitter. Or angry. And that is fine. Those are all normal feelings. How can I dislike them for that? I can't. I am upset for them. I am bitter, angry and hate myself. Survivor Guilt is a relentless piece of shit. My best friend. My  "little brother". My other best friend. My two amazing Seniors and one Supervisor all gone. ALL the people that made me want to go to work. Made me want to show up every single day and just laugh and love. Gone.  A new job has begun. Stunned Silence Sad Tears Something is Missing After all of these Years. Someday Soon the day will brighten May all the lost Never be Forgotten.

Finally. After all this time I will always trust my gut. If it makes me seem paranoid. Guess what, I don't care. I am "paranoid" for a reason. I finally caught someone in the act of lying to me. This going to a couples therapist is a joke. He doesn't want to fix things, he just wants to string me on forever because he knows I will take the kids away from him. Tonight he tells me he is going to bed. One of the worst gut feelings I had. So since it was on my way home, I decided to discount my gut feeling once and for all. Low and behold, I was right. Was he asleep? No. He was sitting on his porch with a girl. All he had to tell me was he had a guest over and couldn't talk. But that is to hard. I do love him. And most likely always will. But I deserve more than these lies. More than these stories. And so do my kids.  We ALL deserve more than what he is  giving any of us. Including his family. As he uses them for cover.

January 21, 2011 I purchased my Wedding dress in hopes to wear it in April. Due to obvious events, that didn't happen and I never picked up the dress. A year later, I come home and low and behold, my dress is in my garage. I knew this day was coming but I NEVER expected it to hit me this hard. I had a full on crying breakdown in my bosses office. Thankfully he is a very understanding person and won't hold this against me. He instantly made me feel better and laugh. I am very grateful for that. I know I should most likely just sell my dress. But just like my ring, I can't bring myself to do it. I think I am holding out until the bitter end, or until I am numb of the emotional attachment I have to both. And that is the end of my emo tastic post.

It is halfway through Jan. I am loosing focus at work, just had an interview for the Temporary Assignment I was on and I am just completely lost. Tax season wee. Causing more issues then good. I just am tired. Always so tired.

Waiting, Watching, Listening Standing Still While the world gets its' fill Innocent laughter Fills the air Another Sun rises in the endless horizon The time will come and your life will be won I realize this may not make sense to a lot of people. But I am unique. I have certain things in my life that I value, that deserve to be number one and no one, will ever, take that away from them. Please understand that what I do is for them . Not for you, not for me, not for their dad, grandparents or friends. But for them.  Sure I may be a bit extreme. Sure I may sacrifice certain things that are considered happiness and comfort. And you never know, it may kill me ultimately. But, as long as they are provided for, and happy. Then whatever my fate, will be my fate. For those that judge me, who don't accept my choices, (you  know who you are.) I feel sorry for you. For being so narrow minded and selfish that you can't even begin to understand what or why ...