Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! So I know it has been awhile, but things have been a bit hectic as of late. My Christmas present was this Adorable Chinchilla, however, it was sick when we got it and died three days later. I was so sad. So we go and get another one and the damn thing dies as well. I was completely and utterly crushed and took everything back including the cage. Didn't want to get another one and have it die on me again on Christmas morning. That would of been the complete suck. However, now that the Holidays are almost over, I think I may let him get me another one. As for the boy situation. All seems well now. We had a little bit of a bump at the beginning of the month because of the Ex. I really am beginning to hate her. But O well. Life moves on and apparently the fucking crazy bitch of a whore is getting married. Thank Fucking God. Like seriously. My sister came out for Christmas! I missed her so much. It has been 6 months since I last saw her. We went...

I am so fucking sick of this bitch. She won't just go away.

So. I went Christmas shopping. And now I am broke! Woot. LoL. But, I got him something he will love. Love you all.

Updates on My Life. It has been awhile and I am not sure if anyone even reads this. But I thought, in case someone does, I shall update. So ... Everything is good. Been a little meh lately. But mostly because lack of sleep. However, walking the mall yesterday, came a strange question.... "Whats your ring size".. Im like um... No clue. So yeah that was odd. Other than that. All is gravey and I hope everyone else is doing well. The fires are still going, but not nearly as scary since the wind is gone.

So I have been sad Lately. I don't know why either. I mean I do get annoyed that we can't have full conversations when playing the game. But I mean, sometimes, a nob or a "hold on" would be totally rad so I know that he isn't listening to a word I say. But then, whateva right. So like he pissed me off this weekend. Defending someone else but not even trying to see my point of view. So I just didn't talk to him all Sunday. Then Monday comes, The jerk face sneaks away while we went to get food and bought me a Carnation. Like WTF is that about. SO I don't know. I just wish I could figure out why the fuck I am so depressed. I think it may have something to do with him not telling me what he wants of me. But I guess we will wait to see.

So I have been sick, I have been grumpy and I am effin tired of people not liking me for no damn good reason. FUCK YOU GUYS. That is to all the people that hate me because I am someones Girlfriend. That is to all the people who hate me because I come in and accidentally step on toes when making friends. That is to all the people who don't understand that I dont want your fucking man, I am just being nice. This is also to the people who won't let me defend myself by keeping me out of the dark. I am so effin over it. Seriously just D.I.A.C.F already and grow the fuck up.

Possible: Might be moving to Texas.. /sigh I will let you all know once i figure it out.

Warm Summer Night No fears near by. One person on your mind That will guide, you through the night. Happiness sets in, Realization Begins, Embrace the Love, That you feel with in.

So we worked a convention together. All was going well, and then he walked off with some chick. Didn't say bye, didn't acknowlegde me. I was super sad. So he tries to buy me stuff to make up for it. Didn't work. I was pissed. But it is better now. He apologized and what not. But meh. We'll see. Laterz.

So the good news is that we are still together and working on a relationship. But somedays, I feel completely alone and I really don't like it. But O well, What am I going to do? I just wanted to let everyone know I was alive and working my butt of. Trying to get a new position at work, so I have to shine. :)

So. I sit here an wonder about something that was said the other day. Is he just settling with me? Does he want more and doesn't want to look for it? I sure hope not. I would have to get up and walk away. I am trying to get the nerve to ask him right now while he sits in the other room playing an xbox game. /sigh.... Wish me luck.

So I finally got in a position at work that has a Higher Possibility of becoming a Manager of a Team. I am super excited. Now I just have to hope that I don't Mess it up. Today will be my first day on my new position. Yay!! On a side note. I have moved in with the Boy. And we have met each other's parents. Kinda cool. It was a little Nerve Wracking but I guess that is normal. Then we went and saw the Midnight Showing of Harry Potter. That made the whole evening not as stressful. :) All in All.. If any one cares. I am happy and content for the time being. Need to figure out how to make this boy marry me. (Don't worry, I'm not crazy and I am Not gonna get preggo so I can keep a man. I am better than that.) Any ways Lots of Love!

Okay. So I have dropped my sister off in Texas. Totally Sucks, but hey. I miss her and I know I will see her at Christmas. Then I was hoping that my "Man" would go to the Wedding with me tomorrow. Technically today since it is like 1am. But he won't and it sucks. I am going to ask him the big questions when he gets home... "Do you love me, Or are you In Love with me." We will see how that goes. I have basically moved in and regardless of the answer he gives, I will stay here because I am indeed in love with him and hope someday he will feel the same if he already doesn't. Side Note... I think it is strange that I still write to random people. I don't even know if any one reads this. And why would they want to? It is mostly just me bitching and crying how bad my life is.. when it really isn't So many other people have it worse off then I do. To my sister.. if you read this.. I miss you dearly and I love you. It will be okay, you will be okay and ever...

Okay So my birthday just passed. Honestly, it sucked. But O well. Then went on Vacation for a week and realized How much I love the person I am with right now. (Yes the same one from Below) I missed him so very much while I was out on Vacation. And he missed me. I get home and I just went straight to him. Didn't even hang out with the parents for more than 10 minutes. Well that is my cheesy, lame update. Love you all.

So it has been a month. I am happy. I am Content. However sometimes still lonely. Is that right? I shouldn't be Lonely.. I should feel that I am loved back. I know that he cares, But I don't think enough to be serious. "Boyfriend and Girlfriend is just a title" Pft, one that I would like to claim.... However, he isn't biting... If someone does read this, Please post a comment. What Should I do? Give it more time? Or walk away? I just don't know anymore.

So it has been awhile since I have done any updates. So here It goes. Everything seems to be okay. We are taking this slow and just seeing what happens. I guess we are exclusively seeing each other just not dating. So basically no fooling around with other guys. But like isn't this like dating? Cuz seeing each other is casual? O well.

So, It finally has happened. But I am not at this moment to happy. I lost a good friend in all of this. And not like lost, but lost the chance to have them around whenever I needed to just stop on by. I will miss her tons. Then at the same time, I am unsure If I am what he wants. After everything we have gone through and talked about. He may just end up a "Fuck Budy". Would kind of blow, but its comfort ya know?.. O well. We shall see what happens. I may just move with my sister. Take It Easy!!

So this is the month that I will found out if this is meant to be. We shall see. I have my doubts, but who doesn't ya know. Off to work I go.

Do you ever realize how fast everything goes? Like I thought I had more time, but time has just gone away with out a care. Friends Leaving. Family soon to follow. But the Odd thing is. People Leave and a new beginning is about to come. So I think. But we shall see. Also. I lost a really cool earing at that one place the other night. sadzors. O wells. :)

As I sit here and realize, that hey, maybe I am a bitch. But you know what. It is all I have. So everyone else can just fuck off and stop pretending you know me, guess what, you fucking don't. Yeah I say things I don't always mean, do things that make people uncomfortable , and do things that are just stupid. They aren't an excuse, this is me. So get over the fact that I may unintentionally hurt your feelings. You're not special . I do it to everyone else as well.

Okay. So back to some Drama. So right when I think everything is okay.... I had this issue with my friend in the previous post and his ex was saying how one of my friends sent her a myspace (that site is the devil btw.) saying that this isn't the first time I have tried to steel someones man. So like wtf. Someone who i thought could of been friends was just a lie. so what the fuck ever. I am so fucking over it right now. Ugh. Sorry a little more pissy today due to being sick.

Okay so my friend that I have been hanging out with has suddenly disappeared. :( He likes me though and no longer wants to hang out because I have said nothing but friends since the beginning. SO shitty. O well I guess. Hermit time once again. Which works for now seeing how I am super sick. Kind of snuck up on me. Lets see. Last week. I got in a fight with "his" Best Friend because he called me a whore. Fucker. Then my good friend decided to fight with me as well. My sister has decided to get up and move a million miles away. While she made this decision she isn't happy with it. Her way to cope is to yell at everyone. Curse and pretty much be insane. I hate it. Okay that was jus my little update. I really need to get ready for work now. Sitting here with just a bra and jeans and a towel in my hair, isn't helping my little cold that I have. So yeah. That was my update of drama for the week.

Okay, So it has been super crazy since the last time I have posted. I was told by the other girl that she is leaving and not coming back. Normally I would be excited over that. But I have come to like her. She is super fun and great to be around. I am going to miss that she is gone. Then at the same time I am happy because we can start our lives. However the Ex-Fiance has showed up and wants him back. SO I may just loose him. But for some reason, I can accept that. I know what should of happened and so does he. If we walk away now, we may not have another chance, but at least I know I tried. I stayed Loyal and I pushed possible relationships away.( which I do not regret at this time.) I have been a little mad at myself though. I have been drinking a whole lot. Been going to the bar with my super awesomesauce friend like every night. He just got dumped and it is because his Ex accused him of cheating with me. Which is all lies. But girls have their moments of "lets not trust...

The Tide has now calmed With light waves on the sand No shells being broken on Rocks Still no one is holding my hand. Standing strong in the Moonlight, Gazing at the Stars Looking like a Goddess, with out a Heart. The Ironic Happiness, Of standing alone, Proves you are strong And will move on. .

I know that this is coming a few days after the fact. But I am fine now and I am sorry for the horrible language if it has offended anyone. However, that doesn't mean I am removing the post. I went out tonight after work. And ya know what. I had a great time. Sucks that I am finally getting along with more people and half of them are getting up and leaving in a few weeks to a few months. Such goes life. Well that is all I really have to say tonight. So night all.

So I have come to the conclusion that I need to disappear. I am being made out to be the bad guy and I can't stand it. Not to mention more than one person has told me not to go over and try to be friends any more. Like what the fuck ever right.?! My so called "Friends" have turned against me. My own family is no longer helping me with just listening to my side. I don't want advice, I just need to vent. And the center of all this Drama can only say " Do what you gotta do, I may not like it, but I understand." What The Fuck Does That Fucking Mean!?!?!?!?! Everything is so Crypted and Elusive that it just sucks. I want to cry and I almost cried on him today. But I can't. All I have is me. This is who I am. I will always be friends. But hey, why am I sitting back and taking the shit when I shouldn't even be involved in this fucked up drama. Yeah so this is my position right now and it is basically saying fuck the whole situation. It is not fair to me....

"Keep Holding On" You're not alone Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand When it gets cold And it feels like the end There's no place to go You know I won't give in No I won't give in Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you There's nothing you could say Nothing you could do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through So far away I wish you were here Before it's too late, this could all disappear Before the doors close And it comes to an end With you by my side I will fight and defend I'll fight and defend Yeah, yeah Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you The...

Have you ever kisses someone who isn't available and then feel like complete shit after becuase you know you just helped in making that person less faithful? Yeah. I feel like crap.

Okay. So my whole issue has seemed to have gotten worse. I was confronted and I told the truth. But now what does that leave me? Nothing. Now that the truth is out there, things will be resolved and fixed. Have I just lost my chance? However, there is a quote that I live by, and must stick by. Here it is.. " You must lose something you can't afford to lose, trust someone you have no reason to trust, and love someone with no hope of him ever loving you in return " Kind of a fucked up way to look at life I guess. But then at the same time, is it really? At least in the end you know you have lived life to the fullest. And, hey, I can live with that. SO basically if I do lose this chance at love. At least I know I have tried. I love and most likely will be saying loved, but at least I have tried. I mean I do sit here and try to be optimistic , but sometimes you just can't. So here goes another day of confusion, another day of life, and yet another random post so the w...

So I am just sitting here getting ready for work. Re-read my post from this morning. ( Or last night seeing how I slept between posts.) I know that it does not make sense at all. But it does to me. And it really isn't fair that I am willing to sit here and wait with out the reassurance that I will get what I want in the end. Should I sit here and trust my gut instinct? Or should I go against it and find someone else? I guess Time will only tell which I should choose. Going with the Flow. I know Who I am Am. I am happy (for the most part) with the person I call myself. I am not going to change that ever. So if this person chooses the other, I will be okay and I will find some one else. Because I am a strong person.

Strange that I now Somehow feel that I want to write a public blog for all to see. Yes I will prolly never tell me real name. But this is a way just to get random feelings and thoughts heard. Get random opinions from other people. I guess that could be a good thing. Take a different out look on life. Once that is most likely needed. Or maybe this is a way for me to just vent. Get it out there so that I can feel better about my life. Even though it really isn't that bad and I don't have anything huge to complain about, I still feel the need to just vent. So here it goes. Gotta love the stupid retarded Triangles. So I am in love with someone that I have to wait to have. With no honest real guarantee that I can have them. Who is to say that they do not fall in love and get married to the person they are currently "with". And I say it like that because if they are with this person, they wouldn't be with me either. And it isn't that we are sexually to...