Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

So I went and helped him move again. And it was the most normal thing. He even called me hun. Then it hit me. How can such a small word hurt so much. How does one severe a tie with a soul mate? Once I do this, I can move on.

I don't understand what is going on anymore. I think I am over it, then I realize I am not. A friend tells me tonight " I wish I could give you that love. you deserve it and I'm sorry he was to big of an idiot to see it. you've always been one of my most amazing friends. if you weren't then I wouldn't of stuck around so long. Seriously, you're one of my favorite people in the world" I just don't understand. I am told I am an amazing person at least once a week. Why don't I believe it? I know why, it's because the one person I want to see it does not. I am jumping through hoops to tell this person what he wants to hear and he never lets me know it is good enough. Says he is skeptical. I care. I want to shut that part of me off. Someone needs to shut it off, replace it , whatever. I need something and I am never going to get it because I am stuck on the one person that I know is my soul mate. A soul mate that I will never have because he i...

So I originally was going to post tonight about me and my sadness but that doesn't seem relevant anymore. My life is fucked up, but nothing compares to the following. A friend has lost the love of their life. Not because they got dumped. They will never get to see them in person again. She has sadly, tragically passed on. Life is not fair. I haven't known this friend long, however for some reason I am extremely pulled to this individual. During all this hard times, he stood there and was being optimistic, happy, fun and supportive. And now, it is our turn to be there for him. Pray for him. He needs this . Tragically a heart stops, followed by a shattering Hollow pieces laying on the floor. Only time Will mend Glued together by friends The lost Love

I was daydreaming the other day then had some interesting dreams that night. I kept seeing very vivid pictures of my past. Happy ones granted. But when I opened my eyes I was sad. Because that is no longer the reality. Images of me being pregnant and cuddling while my tummy was being rubbed. Us laying on the sofa watching TV or a movie. My head in his lap just hanging out on the sofa. Little things. Meaningful to me. They are things I do not ever want to forget, yet they still bring me great pain. Things had been so simple back then. Opening car doors, store doors, any doors. Random  love notes or poems. Making sure that when I was sick, I was comfortable. Always trying to touch my hand or me in some way or another. Talking me up so I sounded as if I was amazing at work when really I am just slightly better than average. Proud of me for "being a great mom". Oh memories, why do you do this so. A Memory is a Gift A painful pleasure In momentary happiness Hold it tightly ...

There is a song that I like. And this is the description from the singer.  "'Arms' is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved but your head is always telling you reasons not to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It's about the struggle and finally giving in when you're wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins." To bad things don't work out like this. Fairy tells are not true. No matter how much I would like them to be.

So here I am, trying to make an effort like he wants me too. And the reason it was hard for me to do so is happening. Ignores my texts, ignores me, gives me one word answers. It is so frustrating. Why try when he clearly does not give a shit. Sigh. God help me, I need strength.