Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

So I am just getting worse and not better. I can't seem to concentrate anymore. Everything just keeps spinning. I did finally call to set up and appointment to get my direction back. So we shall see what happens there. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I sure hope I am. I used to not be able to imagine my life without him, however I can now. I see myself with my babies older and me dating. Is this just because I am hurt? Or is this what is supposed to happen. I just don't know. I am tired ... to much today .

As the years have gone, and I have gotten older ( Irony inc. ) I realised I should update my blog title to " Random Thoughts From A Very Confused Mind". Only because right now I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with my life. What is going on. I used to have complete control on what happens next. Or what happens to me in general. That is long gone. However, the reason I am not going to change it is because my goal is to be not confused anymore. Back to the place where I had less anger. Less hate. Less resentment. It's a shame what the real world can do to people. I can even turn this into a rant blog on how much all males suck. However, I don't think that is true. I do believe that there is someone out there that is willing and able to treat me like I deserve. To be patient with me. To handle my mood swings. To understand that sometimes I just need to vent. Agree with me when I am wrong, even if they don't really agree.  I just need to find them. Now...

I hate My Life.

I think it is long over due that I visit my dear Physic. The great thing is she doesn't say "this is what is going to happen no matter what, you must follow it". She shows me different choices I could make and the possible outcomes. Granted everything can be changed , which is why she shows you different roads. I have come to a point in my life that I am 100% completely and utterly lost, alone and empty. I don't like feeling this way and I wish I didn't. However, no matter what I have been doing, it doesn't seem to work. If my life mission is to be a "healer", how can I assist in healing if I am so broken. Simple, I can't. Now I really can't blame anyone but myself for this feeling that I have. I am the one who chose to just shut down instead of deal with it. And I am the one who saw the signs for two years and that part of me just ignored it and attempted to trust. But the feelings are warranted.

Yay ! First day of school all over ! woooo. I mean work.... Anyways, I did attempt to just have a normal conversation that some how got turned into an arguement. That was fun. I think he just likes to fight with me.  I really need to figure out what I am doing. For those that believe in past lives, here are my thoughts. I feel that we have had a relationship in the past. Maybe I cheated on him, or maybe he cheated on me back then as well and this was another chance to try and get it right. However, we obviously failed to learn our lessons. I used to feel that I would not come back another time, but I see now that I do. I failed to be happy. I was doing so well for 23 years then out of no where this all happens. I do know he is my soul mate for we continue to meet over and over again.  He is always there, no matter how far back in my lives I sometimes see or remember.  I do believe that we can change our paths at anytime even though we already have them set for us. Howev...

I start work in less than 24 hours. First day back, second day on my diet. I just hope I can handle it all. I am a bit stressed for the previous reasons as well as missing my babies. Little girl isn't used to not having me around and she is older than my son was when i went back to work. To make it worse the babysitters are not doing to well since a relative is in the hospital on her death bed. Here it is, not to late and I am going to bed. If I am not to tired, I will update tomorrow. Good Night.

Maternity leave is coming to an End. I go back to work on Saturday. We have a shift bid and I am hoping to get my number one choice, but for some reason I doubt that will happen.  Things are slightly better. I keep having really bad days and really good days. Today I feel like crying. Just because.  One of my friends told me yesterday that the whore homewrecker that was sending the pictures tried to get down his pants knowing he had a girl friend. When he said no, she sent him half nekkid pictures. I just can't seem to get this horrible person out of my life. What should I do? I love him, but I don't know if I can stay with him if I keep having these constant reminders of what has happened. I am very nervous about going back to work as well. I get to see the girls he has flirted with along with the people he has told our situation too. Yay for being pittied behind my back. I need to find a way out to a different department or different job. Which sucks since I do love where I...

I hate it right now. I just sit here and think about what has happened. I want to attempt to make this work, but how can I move forward if I can't stop thinking about the past. Obviously there was no love for two years if he chose to do what he has done, but then why have a second child with me? Why stay with me? I personally just don't understand how you can say you love someone yet do this to them. I am not saying I am perfect, I cheated on an ex once, but we broke up shortly after. I told him what I did and told him I did it because I didn't love him. That was the truth. Why would you cheat on someone you "love" and continue to be with them. Oh wait, because I have his babies. Now I have to wonder even though he says he loves me and that he isn't staying with me because of the kids, if he is staying with me because of the kids. It is the only thing that makes sense to me. It makes me feel like such a failure. No matter how many tell me that " you are a...

"‎'We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.' - Joseph Campbell" . He used my depression as an excuse for this to happen. We are going to attempt to work through this but it seems that he is always mad at me and wants me to just get over it faster. How do you get over something when it is this huge. Sending nekkid pictures to other girls isn't right, and the fact that the other girl knew he was with me, had a baby and another on the way, that didn't stop her. I did confront her and call her a homewrecking whore. But it doesn't make me feel better. In the past two weeks since I found out there was an incident with a girl that I knew nothing was going on, but I wanted to ask anyways to see his reaction. He got so upset that the next day he yelled at me so much that our son cried. It was heartbreaking. Now to try to make up for it, he has...