Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I hate that I feel trapped and that I have trapped my kids in this horrible situation with me. I chose to go back to school instead of finding a new job when I got laid off, and now I am dealing with that pain. So many times, people believe that Domestic Abuse/Violence is just between partners. Folks don't realize that there are so many other dynamics that can take place in these situations. As long as I can remember my dad has yelled at my mom and thrown stuff at her. I even called the cops on him when I was 13 years old and watched them hand cuff him to the banister. I was taken to school in a cop car so I wouldn't be late because I opted to go to school instead of being taken hours to a family member while the cops dealt with my parents. The rest of the day was a blur and I blocked it out.  This behavior never stopped, he just got better at hiding it, or I just got better at ignoring what was going on because I was determined to try and live a normal life. Who really knows w...

 Just becase I haven't made a post, doesn't mean the abuse has stopped or that things have gotten better or worse. Life just is crazy and I hate it or love it depending on the day.  I finished my internship and got a volunteer gig at a place that I love and that keeps me busy, got to my next term and it is crazy packed and hard as hell, got two parrots and another chicken, so a lot is going on. But the home life is still hard, and that is why I am writing tonight.  Fair warning, it is not pretty and may trigger some. I had a moment where I clearly thought what I would write in a suicide note, where I would put it so my mom would be the one to find it, where I would go and how I would do it and who would find me, because I wouldn't want it to be my kids.  Then, I just cried. I won't do it, but I wanted to because my dad is so freaking mean all time. All he does is scream and yell and torment everyone, every single day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I am so ch...