Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

So for the first time in all the years of blogging, I deleted a post that I had saved as a draft. I felt that if I posted it, it would just make folks think I am in a Dark Place again. But I am not. I was really just ranting about stupid people and lack of humanity in the world. I get frustrated because some people take my talking as in, I am bitter, or hating or I need to fix myself.  The only think I am sorry for, is that some people can't face reality like I do. My glass is never half empty. Nor is it half full. It is what it is, and that is all that matters to me. With that being said. Let's get on to updating my life. So I helped with a friends break up for over six months. Finally got him to a place where he understood it wasn't his fault, and that some people are just cheaters. Then what does he do, just goes right back to her. I felt so used.  I know that I am here to help people. Just sometimes it gets really old. I am always there for everyone but I feel, if I ...

I have been having the hardest time lately. I cry. All the time. Happy, sad or frustrated. I cry.  I don't know why. I can't figure it out. Maybe it's a new way for my body to release stress. I don't know. I wanted to write more but now I can't seem to form into words everything that I'm thinking. I can't even type correct sentences. So I leave you with nothing tonight. I need to soul search.

It appears my insomnia is back in full swing. So much feels like it is going on right now. Thankfully I kept this blog around to help me vent. I realized there are very few people who I let in, so instead I give my hopes, dreams, fears and drama to the internet world. Thanks for that. I need to try and realign my career. Figure out who I am, and what I can be. It's very apparent to me as of yesterday, that my original goals will never happen. It's a dream that I just for some reason can't grasp at my current company. So I am going to see about finding some night school and get some education. I was thinking business, but would I be happy? Most likely not.  I want to work with animals. Help them, take care of them and love them when no one else will. They are far more deserving of that love then most of the people in this world. Cruel of me to say? Maybe. But most know its true. I witnessed an accident the other day. No one stopped to see if this man was okay. No one even ca...

So we all know my life is like a Soap Opera by now.  Ups, down, sideways, backwards , every which way you can think of. That's my life. But you know what, its okay. Chaos and me are really good friends. Without it, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be apart of a National Organization that helps EVERYONE out no matter what their race, affiliation , gender or whatever is. You lost your house in a fire? You don't have insurance? That's fine, let us help you. I wouldn't give back to the so many in need. My struggles made me realize that no matter how bad I feel my life is, I know that someone else is having it worse off. Disclaimer * I still have my full time job. * So instead of me focusing on my shitty situations, I focus on, How can I help? Normally I don't brag, or talk about me. I am generally very humble. But recently a friend told me, that I don't talk about what I do, to help those around me.  Little things, here and there. Bring in Candy or snacks for p...

Soulmates. Are they out there? Is it something society made up to feel better about themselves?  Say they are out there. What happens when you meet them, and you don't know...and nothing happens. Will you find someone else? Will you be lonely forever?  It feels like a never ending loop. It makes you want to settle. I don't want to settle damn it, I want to squash it and live. I guess I will never know......

I can't believe the year is half way done. It is amazing how fast time goes by. Still single. Shocker there. Nothing has changed in my life really. Sorta sad, but that is okay. Was denied two more promotions and I guess I really should just stop trying. No point anymore.  I think I am just tired and grumpy. <3 so I will stop writing for now. Lol

After 8 years with my current company I believe it is time for me to move on. I am stagnant and not able to move forward, get a raise or do anything substantial with my life. I no longer feel exceptional. I feel like a loser. I have commenced my job search for a Manager position closer to home. I just hope I can live out however long my remainder with my current company is, until I find a new home.  It's had its ups and downs.  But I matter. I am not just a number and I can do SO MUCH more than what they let me do. It's time to take a giant leap of faith, and hope I find something that I love again. I am not asking for you to wish me luck, just hold me in your prayers so that my life can improve. No one controls my future but me, and darn-it, it is about to change if it is the last thing I do.

It's amazing how fast life can just pass you by. Earlier this year my grandfather died. It was a terrible event. I miss him every single day. During that time I had court and my uncle and mom had been arguing. All around stressful.  I also got denied for yet another promotion. Surprise, Surprise. It tends to be the trend now. Though I am once again in a Temporary Supervisor position while someone is out on Medical Leave. But it's just that, Temporary. I feel that for whatever reason, I am just not good at excelling anymore. I have come to accept this, which is the most terrible part. I need to find motivation. I just haven't. So instead I have been running more and recently joined a boot camp. Once I feel better about me, I think I will be able to concentrate my life other places.  Though, relationships I have given up. I am almost thirty, still single and no light at the end of that tunnel. I can imagine my kids all grown up, me in my fifties with a bunch of Savannahs ...

So I know in January I said I was done with jerks. Apparently I should say just kidding. So I had someone interested and part of the new me, I didn't just jump into it. I took my time and evaluated what was going on. Well....apparently they evaluated too. However here is what happened. I asked them if I still had a chance and they said yes. So I kissed him. Instead of telling me the truth he went to my best friend BEFORE I asked about chances.... He told her how he just isn't ready for an intense relationship. apparently I'm intense?  So guess what I did...called him out on what he said to her And to me. He didn't deny it. Called himself a douche. I basically told him to fuck off and then stopped responding to his text. I am sick and tired of people and this bullshit. I'm glad I called him on it right away.  I don't need this stupid shit in my life. So sick and tired of lies. So tired.

I've realized that this past year has just flown by. Started out super shitty with my baby boy being knocked around by his dad. Going to court was the scariest thing I have ever done. I don't do it for me, but for the safety of my children. I have invested $7000.00 into court and lawyer fees this past year. That could have been seven months worth of rent! But my babies are safe. That's all that matters. Now that the above nightmare is mentioned I can move forward with shit part 2. My sister thinks to believe since  I have kids I am not allowed it feel lonely. She always goes too "but you have two people who adore you all the time." ... Those of you that are single parents understand. Yes it's an amazing feeling but fuck you because adults need adult interactions from item to time or we go fucking crazy. Did I mention my sister doesn't have or want kids? And that she us in a relationship so doesn't understand what lonely is like? Ya.. Seriously fuck t...