Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Sometimes I don't understand things. First I am told for my Birthday I am being sent on vacation. Has that planning happened? FUCK NO. Instead they are all going on vacation that they planned for themselves and guess who wasn't invited. THIS FUCKING GUY. Then because I work later, my babysitters think it is okay to let the kids stay up later. NOT OKAY. ITS 11 MOTHER FUCKING THIRTY. THEY JUST WENT TO SLEEP. Done. Just so done right now.

Realizing you have been holding on to something for so long for no reason is always a slap in the face. I have been holding onto something for at least three years. Things have been far past gone before I was even preggers for the first time. Oh Silly me. Tonight. I was me. Spontaneous. Fun. Happy. Main word HAPPY. I was truely okay with how things are today. Learned. Loved. Broke. Repaired. Maybe broke a bit more. But something I used to say.. however not relevent.... Truth  may hurt a bit, but lies will leave a scar forever....   This lie of a life, WILL NOT happen. This bird's wings are no longer clipper. She is Free. Free to fly.  Free to Love and free to be Happy and not worry about anything but herself and her babies.  If you are lucky, you may be able to have this bird someday. Somday. Not now. But someday this amazing beautiful free bird,  may be something you can admire.

I Am So Sick Of The MOTHER FUCKING LIES

Things have changed so much so fast. One day, you are surrounded by friends that you consider family. Then you are not. So many people out of jobs. So many people that you love gone from your daily life. It is amazing how fast things can happen. It is hard to put down in words how I feel. Sure I kept my job, and I know some people are upset that I did. Or bitter. Or angry. And that is fine. Those are all normal feelings. How can I dislike them for that? I can't. I am upset for them. I am bitter, angry and hate myself. Survivor Guilt is a relentless piece of shit. My best friend. My  "little brother". My other best friend. My two amazing Seniors and one Supervisor all gone. ALL the people that made me want to go to work. Made me want to show up every single day and just laugh and love. Gone.  A new job has begun. Stunned Silence Sad Tears Something is Missing After all of these Years. Someday Soon the day will brighten May all the lost Never be Forgotten.