Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 It has been so long since I have written that I do not even know where to start. The last thing I wrote was very emotional because I was losing a friend, right at a crucial time in my life. I was in my last term of school, getting ready to take finals and my exit exam and there was still a lot happening at home. It seems like a never-ending cycle of constant struggle. But why is this a constant struggle? Well, you see, people in a situation like mine feel stuck. We have “no options” and don’t have great ways out. The resources are lacking, and the system fails us over and over again and no matter how hard we try, it is like quicksand. It’s almost too embarrassing to admit it is easier to stay in the shitty situation than to start over. So here I am writing about my last year to help everyone realize that we may not get a second chance. August 2021, I graduated College and went to Vegas with some amazing people. It was the time of my life. I started working right when I got back ...

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

I haven't been writing because there hasn't been anything positive.  Today he actually punched my car....twice.... in front of the neighbors while yelling at me saying I was the problem.  It's so embarrassing and exhausting. It has been every single day since he's been back from the hospital.  I just want to graduate and I cannot even concentrate on school because I am so stressed at home.   My mom took the kids to my sister's right now since I had to go to work (which is still volunteer as they can't hire me until after my internship).  I feel so defeated.  He's never going to stop.