Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

 It has been so long since I have written that I do not even know where to start. The last thing I wrote was very emotional because I was losing a friend, right at a crucial time in my life. I was in my last term of school, getting ready to take finals and my exit exam and there was still a lot happening at home. It seems like a never-ending cycle of constant struggle. But why is this a constant struggle? Well, you see, people in a situation like mine feel stuck. We have “no options” and don’t have great ways out. The resources are lacking, and the system fails us over and over again and no matter how hard we try, it is like quicksand. It’s almost too embarrassing to admit it is easier to stay in the shitty situation than to start over. So here I am writing about my last year to help everyone realize that we may not get a second chance. August 2021, I graduated College and went to Vegas with some amazing people. It was the time of my life. I started working right when I got back ...

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

 Do you ever feel as though you can never win? My dad is constantly hounding me and I feel so alone. I try to talk to my best friend and I wish she got it, but she doesn't because she grew up with happy parents, which I wish I had and I am so happy she had. But, it leaves the support that I need lacking because the listening is caring is not there. When there is an issue with us, she ignores me and pretends to miss my phone calls and texts and that right there isn't fair. I am constantly giving her all of my water and all I ask is to leave me the last drop, and that doesn't happen and if I call her out on it, I am the bad guy? It is my water. I feel as though I keep giving myself to people who don't care. I am writing here because I have no place else to go. I don't want to talk to friends about this because we have the same circles and that isn't fair to her. She really is a good person with her own issues, but those own issues overlook and overthrow anything e...

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.

 Sometimes I realize that if I didn't have children, I would take the easy way out of life. I would be selfish and just opt out. I dream of days when putting up a TV doesn't turn into a giant fight and being yelled at just for trying to help as asked. I dream for days where I am not walking on eggshells in my own home. Then I realize that my dreams may never come true because I decided to go into a profession that doesn't pay alot and there is no way I can afford to move out with me and two kids on that type of pay.  I am stuck now and will always be stuck because I want to make sure my kids have a home. I live with a narcissistic person who calls me names, who is racist and who yells all the time.  I know this isn't my normal "no matter what I got this" feel, but my fight is draining. He's won, nothing matters anymore because this is just what my life is. A continual circle of abuse.  I haven't written in a while because of how depressed I have felt. ...

 It has been awhile because my life has been busy and I just have been so exhausted and not wanting to write anything to anyone. The last week has been blissfully quiet in my house though, so that has been nice. My dad has been in the hospital. Officially one week now. He went in originally for a really bad UTI, but he had it for DAYS and refused to let anyone take him in. By the time he went in his UTI went septic and infected his kidneys and blood. However, during this time the doctor's found he had another issue happening that was causing bile to leak into his system that was slowly killing him. Now that is being checked out. He will be in hospital care for at least another week, unless he finds a way to convince the doctor's to let him come home for treatment. During this time he called to yell at everyone saying we gave this to him and it is his fault and we sent him to the hospital to die. It is crazy to me that even when sick he still finds a way to call and harass us an...

 Just becase I haven't made a post, doesn't mean the abuse has stopped or that things have gotten better or worse. Life just is crazy and I hate it or love it depending on the day.  I finished my internship and got a volunteer gig at a place that I love and that keeps me busy, got to my next term and it is crazy packed and hard as hell, got two parrots and another chicken, so a lot is going on. But the home life is still hard, and that is why I am writing tonight.  Fair warning, it is not pretty and may trigger some. I had a moment where I clearly thought what I would write in a suicide note, where I would put it so my mom would be the one to find it, where I would go and how I would do it and who would find me, because I wouldn't want it to be my kids.  Then, I just cried. I won't do it, but I wanted to because my dad is so freaking mean all time. All he does is scream and yell and torment everyone, every single day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I am so ch...

The thing about abuse is, it doesn't stop. It just is a continuous horrible circle where the men get away with it... forever.    My dad has been yelling at my mom for days, I have been staying passive. I had a few friends over last night in a safe, controlled environment. None of us do anything that would expose us to COVID so that is why I had them over. We had a great day in the pool, then had a bonfire and then went to bed. This morning we worked together to clean up and had breakfast and they went home. I was going to clean up the kitchen after I took a nap because that was a lot of social for me.   The next thing I know is that my mom is inside crying, asking me to help her clean up. So, I go outside, and I ask her with what? The two boxes that HE KICKED to the ground?? Apparently, there was like a few pieces of trash I missed because I am only human and haven’t been back outside since everyone left. I even rinsed down the patio this morning to make sure it was c...

Living in a house with a racist and a domestic violent abuser is one of the hardest situations I have ever had to deal with. Imagine yourself as a single parent with two mixed children. You are white female, but your kids are only half white. You find yourself with an abusive father, always has been and you already do everything to make sure your kids are protected from that, but now, when you find yourself fighting to be on the right side of history, you are in a house where someone is on the wrong side of it. It doesn't shock me at all that he is, but what does surprise me is how unwilling he is to listen to anyone else when it comes to their views. I have to wonder what he is going to do when my Black Lives Matter paraphernalia comes in. I got T-shirts, hats, face coverings, mugs for myself and the kids so we can go out and fight for a good cause. I never imagined I would have to fight that cause in my own home as well. My dad’s excuse is as simple as “my grandparent’s got thr...

You would think that with everything going on, my mind wouldn't go back to the one person who crushed my heart, but it does. I sit here and wonder if he even cares how we are doing during this pandemic, if we are okay. If I am holding up with severe depression and anxiety. Then I realize he most likely doesn't even care because he never loved me the way that I loved him. I just hope I can do my best for my kids and that we get through this together as a family unit. Now I am stuck in a house with my life long abuser, trying to keep my kids safe so that they are not the next victims. We cannot leave and escape to school during the day as it was canceled until the end of April, who knows, maybe forever.  I will fight for them as long as I am alive, no matter what, they are my reason for being here. This is my worst fear as a parent. Raising my kids in a world where other people may become their worst enemy. Where other people will exploit the kindness to get supplies that the...

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with ...

I've grown up in a broken home. I've known nothing else. Fighting, yelling, name calling. It has all been normal. I have been trying to shield my kids from the bullshit that has been my life and it hasn't been bad for some time. Then something happened in June and everything seemed to spiral out of control.  I've been in a relationship with a man who loves my kids and treated them as his own, they adore him and I really don't know how I am going to tell them that the last two years wasn't our forever as we had all hoped. Some people aren't built to handle the type of bullshit that I endure on a daily basis, are not built to support and be that rock. But sometimes, even the rock can shatter and then only the rock can pick up her own pieces. Even though this rock was told that it was forever and marriage was going to happen someday.  Domestic violence happens every single day in a lot of homes and people don't talk about it. I'm talking about it now be...

Sometimes the world isn't what we want it to be. I realize that crying for three hours is not normal. Nor is being up at 3:00 AM from crying and stress, but I always wonder how I will make it. I will. For my kids, but only for them. That is where I get upset. I no longer care what happens to me, I just want to make sure my babies are provided for and that I can give them the life they deserve. I'm willing to sacrifice so much for them, because I love them. That's what love should be, not holding something over someones head, or forcing them to do something they don't want to do, but to support them when they make a bad choice, and help them through it. Ivr made bad choices and always had to be my own rock, and boy, I am so runned down from it. Just once I'd like someone to be there for me, help me through the rough patches where I could break down and have a shoulder to cry on. I guess that us what this blog has always been. Years if me using the internet as a rock ...

To start, this is NOT about my boyfriend. We are in a healthy place with open communication.  When you search "psychological abuse", so often it comes up with your SO being the abuser. But, what it doesn't mention is how that abuser affects everyone in the same living quarters. Children, grandchildren,  extended family. It's not okay to look past these situations and let those suffer. Sometimes you have to be willing to put aside your fears of being homeless and jobless and start over without the constant fear of being yelled at, belittled or just existing in your own home. You cannot use the excuse of an illness as a reason why the behavior is okay. Humanity and making the world a better place has always been my goal and this needs to be said as a step forward to help make the world a better place. I can't save the world if I can't save myself, my kids and my mom.  Being told CPS has been called on me to entice fear because I don't want to do som...

Depression. It's been apart of who I am for the past 11 years. What caused it, I don't know. I've actively fought the symptoms the moment I realized what was going on. I'm lucky, I have two tiny humans to depend on me when so many have nothing to fight for. Because of them I fight all the negative. I want to be here for them when they cry, when they have children and everything else they may need. I know it is not an easy fight, but I have something to fight for. Their love, their lives and their happiness. I may not ever get my ideal happiness. But I will make sure they have theirs. It's sometimes the only thing keeping me moving forward. I need them to know that no matter how hard things may get, that there is always a future. Just because life doesn't go as planned, it's life and you can continue on. I know this is an odd post, but it needed to be said. I have to acknowledge my own demons before I can sleep tonight. As long as they don't see m...

It is hard to explain to people who don't suffer from any mental illness, on what you go through on a daily basis. Some people are lucky and depression and anxiety are not a constant threat in their lives. Then you have the people like me where you live with it at each waking moment. I think my "favorite" (Insert sarcasm) thing that happens is when I pick out something cute, but it may also be bright. I enjoy vibrant colors, they make me happy. I don't enjoy the constant anxiety of thinking I am being looked at and viewed negatively for those vibrant colors. Sure, deep down I know I am being paranoid and I am letting my anxiety win in those moments, but sometimes you cannot help it. It sneaks up on you. Anxiety causes so many issues in my life, that it makes it hard to navigate sometimes and this can lead to more issues. Depression, another black hole. A constant fear of abandonment, of not being important enough, of not mattering. The best way I can explain it, is ...

I know I only write when I am having a hard time, but if that is the case, history shows I am having those less as the years go by, maybe a few more this year. Lately I feel as though I am an afterthought. An afterthought at work, at home, and with my boyfriend. I keep falling in this negativity trap and it sucks. Let's start with work. I want to progress, but it feels as though my boss doesn't want me to. He just wants me to stay his personal assistant and never move forward, and that sucks. I really want to grow in this career, but I know he will not let me. He likes me to do everything for him, down to moving meetings on his own calendar. Home is a shit show with my so called father. He's so toxic to everyone around him and I wish I could just leave and not be here anymore, but I have no choice. I can't afford to do anything else. And then my boyfriend. It has almost been a year and he has never told me that he loves me. Rarely answers my calls and always just ...

The wonderful world of living with depression, whether it is in so called "remission" or not, it is always there. As my one plug for those with depression, there are resources out there for you, you are not alone and you can get through this. I know it seems like there isn't an end, but always fight for you, you are worth it, no matter what. With that being said, I feel like it has been a roller coaster week for me. I am feel like a person in those Romance Novels you read about. I will be the first to admit that I am 100% stubborn and refuse to say I love you first, but it also sucks as I don't think my man is the type of person who will easily say it first as he too has been pretty burned in the past. So it puts me in a pretty crappy situation at the moment. On top of those extremely strong feelings deciding they want to be around, my depression and lack of self worth have also jumped out of the shadows to say hello. I feel like I have been torn in so many directio...