Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I will walk down the isle to this song. Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid to fall Watching you stand alone All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more Time stands still Beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything take away What's standing in front of me Every breath Every hour has come to this One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought your heart to me I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more One step closer One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be af...

It is never a fun situation when you are sitting in a movie that has a wedding / honeymoon scene with someone you thought you would have that once with. Sometimes I am so incredibly stupid I amazing myself. Crying myself to sleep tonight. Sigh.

So I finally am going through my camera and uploading photos and I find one of Christmas. I was sitting against him and I looked so content, happy and complete. Who would of thought that a few months later that image would be completely shattered. And now, as I look at it, with him on the bed asleep with my son, my heart shatters all over again.  So odd how things can be going so wonderful and one photo memory can change all that. I sent it to him. I am not sure what he will do with it, if he will keep it. But I sent it none the less. With an apology. Because he will never know how I truly felt about him. Because I never really let him know. Even now, as I walked him out I couldn't tell him that I sent the photo. Sure he will find out soon enough, but my words are lost around him. I am a coward to my own defenses. You would think, in light of the last week, that I shouldn't be like this. Yet the happy I have felt the past few days seems like a distant feeling or a dream. Lord...

I felt valued. Loved. Wanted. Appreciated. Sure it may have been booze glasses for them. But either way,  I am going to accept it for what it was. I had fun. I miss  my girl.

Must be a bad day are something. I felt unwelcome and intruding. Oh well. Not much I can do there when my kids don't want me to leave them with their own dad. Sometimes I just with I could help him. But nothing I do would be wanted.

I really don't understand what is going on. It is something I want so badly, but I am so guarded by it. I know it means nothing to him. But it means everything to me. When he asks if it was okay I should of said no. It is not okay. This is confusing and shit . Three weeks in a row now. Three weeks.

Today was an odd day for me. A bit surreal like I wasn't really me or wasn't really here. Weather changing. Hearts Changing. Feeling Changing. Like part of me has finally broken off. In a good way or Bad? Who really  knows at this point. I have been crying a lot the last few days. I don't really understand it. I wish I could but you are your own biggest enemy. And boy, I gotta tell ya. The things I tell myself when I am down, are really messed up. Now I know it is easy to fool yourself when you are by yourself. But damn, I am so pro at it. Looking back at the last few years of my life. It wasn't a mistake or a waste. It was supposed to happen. Now weather or not it was supposed to last is still up in the air and honestly something I don't have the heart to decide. So much conflicting all the time. So much frustration because for the life of me I can't seem to grasp that it is over. Alas, it is. My spirit guides. Now would be a good time to come back. I am ...