Life.

I don't understand what is going on anymore. I think I am over it, then I realize I am not.
A friend tells me tonight " I wish I could give you that love. you deserve it and I'm sorry he was to big of an idiot to see it. you've always been one of my most amazing friends. if you weren't then I wouldn't of stuck around so long. Seriously, you're one of my favorite people in the world"

I just don't understand. I am told I am an amazing person at least once a week. Why don't I believe it? I know why, it's because the one person I want to see it does not. I am jumping through hoops to tell this person what he wants to hear and he never lets me know it is good enough. Says he is skeptical. I care. I want to shut that part of me off. Someone needs to shut it off, replace it , whatever. I need something and I am never going to get it because I am stuck on the one person that I know is my soul mate. A soul mate that I will never have because he is so far gone its stupid.

Yes I have said and done some really stupid things the last seven months. But in that first 2 months I did nothing but defend and make sure no one talked shit.  This is my apology to the world. I am sorry for being stupid and saying stupid things. I was hurt and angry and I took my pain out in the incorrect manner. Look at me. Coward. Apologizing to random people. Wow good job. So big of you. But I don't feel I could apologize to him. Because he won't believe me. He has already made his mind up about me and he is so stubborn that it will mean nothing as always.

I will never be good enough. Never be pretty enough. Never be the one that he wants. I have known this from day one and I kept trying. Stupid me for thinking kids would change that. This is my apology to my kids in advance for one day they will see my blog. I am so sorry babies for what I have put you through. All I had to do was walk away and I didn't. I thought you two would make him love me. Please don't think that is the only reason I wanted you. I love you two very much and always will. I just wish your family could be complete and not broken like it is.  Babies. I do not regret you. You are my life, my love and you complete me in every single way that you can. Thank you for being so wonderful.

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