Emotions
I wanted to start with I am doing a lot better. Just some days suck and some days don't. Others tend to just blend and time just passes by.
I was driving the other day and found myself incredibly sad. Not like a " my life is over" type of sad. But more of a " Huh, what am I doing with myself" type of sad. After seven years at my current job, I feel stagnant, useless and not appreciated. I feel that my full potential is not being met. I was in the Medical Field when I was younger .. what am I doing now? Support. Yes in the medical field you don't get appreciation, but at least there YOU KNOW you did something to help and even save lives. With support, sure you help, you answer questions, but what am I saving? Nothing, not even myself. It is easy to fall in the trap of comfort, routine, Blindness. I don't want it anymore. I want to be out there, saving lives for real. Not just in pixels. Any monkey could do what I am doing now.
With that being said, I know I need to really plan my future. How do I go back to school, and have a good enough job to make sure my kids are fed, and bills are paid. That is the hard part. No part time job could get it done. I could however, get a night job, work, come home play with the kids and take care of them, then go to school. I may even get more time with them then I do now. This is something I want, but am not sure I am ready to take the leap. Yes I am scared. I have a stable, fantastic job now. ( in the sense of benefits and pay ). Do I want to risk having nothing ? When I have two babies to support? Only a single parent will truly understand my struggle with this. Everyone else is always, well just do it. Quit, go back to school. " No one is stopping you but you". Yes and no. If I was only supporting myself and not two children, fuck yes I would quit and go back to school in a heartbeat. But NO, I have humans to feed, cloth and love. Money helps to do all those things. Its one of the most frustrating things for me. I have a friend who actually ROLLS THEIR EYES at me when I tell them it isn't just that easy. But no, she doesn't have kids. So she doesn't understand.
So that is part one of my Emotional Struggles. Work. Part two, my personal life.
I am super Lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. I still don't feel it would be fair to anyone to date right now, since I just don't have the energy to apply to a relationship. But it doesn't mean I am okay with being lonely sometimes. After all I am human and we are sociable creatures by creation. Though I do feel with all my heart, I have missed the chance with my "Soul Mate".
Why do I feel that way? Well you see, there was this amazing man, romantic and everything I could ever ask for. And he is gone now. And won't ever come back. I compare EVERYONE to him. Which I didn't realize I have done until very recently. There is someone who is amazing in my life now, however NO we are not dating, we are just friends. A few people have told me to take that leap and ask him out. BUT , I will not. He doesn't believe in marriage. He doesn't want kids. He's okay with kids, but doesn't want to raise anyone else s. See where this is going? I am sure you do.
My kids are my world. They always will be. Seems no one is okay with that, which means they aren't for me.
I always want to thank those that have been following my pathetic blog for all these years. It has had its ups, and downs, and way downs. But that is okay. This is life. Life is supposed to be hard enough to keep you going. If it was easy, what would we do with ourselves?
Every scar we receive, just means we are that much stronger. Keep Fighting. Keep Pushing and Keep Living. We are all amazing in our own way and deserve to be treated that way.
I was driving the other day and found myself incredibly sad. Not like a " my life is over" type of sad. But more of a " Huh, what am I doing with myself" type of sad. After seven years at my current job, I feel stagnant, useless and not appreciated. I feel that my full potential is not being met. I was in the Medical Field when I was younger .. what am I doing now? Support. Yes in the medical field you don't get appreciation, but at least there YOU KNOW you did something to help and even save lives. With support, sure you help, you answer questions, but what am I saving? Nothing, not even myself. It is easy to fall in the trap of comfort, routine, Blindness. I don't want it anymore. I want to be out there, saving lives for real. Not just in pixels. Any monkey could do what I am doing now.
With that being said, I know I need to really plan my future. How do I go back to school, and have a good enough job to make sure my kids are fed, and bills are paid. That is the hard part. No part time job could get it done. I could however, get a night job, work, come home play with the kids and take care of them, then go to school. I may even get more time with them then I do now. This is something I want, but am not sure I am ready to take the leap. Yes I am scared. I have a stable, fantastic job now. ( in the sense of benefits and pay ). Do I want to risk having nothing ? When I have two babies to support? Only a single parent will truly understand my struggle with this. Everyone else is always, well just do it. Quit, go back to school. " No one is stopping you but you". Yes and no. If I was only supporting myself and not two children, fuck yes I would quit and go back to school in a heartbeat. But NO, I have humans to feed, cloth and love. Money helps to do all those things. Its one of the most frustrating things for me. I have a friend who actually ROLLS THEIR EYES at me when I tell them it isn't just that easy. But no, she doesn't have kids. So she doesn't understand.
So that is part one of my Emotional Struggles. Work. Part two, my personal life.
I am super Lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. I still don't feel it would be fair to anyone to date right now, since I just don't have the energy to apply to a relationship. But it doesn't mean I am okay with being lonely sometimes. After all I am human and we are sociable creatures by creation. Though I do feel with all my heart, I have missed the chance with my "Soul Mate".
Why do I feel that way? Well you see, there was this amazing man, romantic and everything I could ever ask for. And he is gone now. And won't ever come back. I compare EVERYONE to him. Which I didn't realize I have done until very recently. There is someone who is amazing in my life now, however NO we are not dating, we are just friends. A few people have told me to take that leap and ask him out. BUT , I will not. He doesn't believe in marriage. He doesn't want kids. He's okay with kids, but doesn't want to raise anyone else s. See where this is going? I am sure you do.
My kids are my world. They always will be. Seems no one is okay with that, which means they aren't for me.
I always want to thank those that have been following my pathetic blog for all these years. It has had its ups, and downs, and way downs. But that is okay. This is life. Life is supposed to be hard enough to keep you going. If it was easy, what would we do with ourselves?
Every scar we receive, just means we are that much stronger. Keep Fighting. Keep Pushing and Keep Living. We are all amazing in our own way and deserve to be treated that way.
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