Empty

I have finally hit it. After all these years of fighting it. I feel completely empty. It's to the point where it just don't want to care anymore. I cry myself to sleep every single night. Why? Because I do a masterful job of pushing everyone away it seems. Oh let's not forget the part where my family pretty much hates me. I'm lonely. I have no family support. I know that I used to get tossed aside a lot for my sister. We'll now...mom just doesn't have the time for me. With my oldest sister and her two kids living with us, by the time I get home mom doesn't have a moment for me. Who do I get to talk to? Myself I guess. I sit here and reflect and realize I am not happy. I don't do anything Nobel for a job . I mean I am almost thirty and I'm not even a manager in customer support. So worthless. I have little self value lately. Maybe because I'm lonely. God knows. I'm broke, so I can't go visit friends and apparently I live too far for any to visit me.

Yes this is a lot of crying in a short moment. I just need to type so that for one night I can get it off my chest, and maybe not cry tonight.  Yay run on sentences. My English teachers would be so disappointed in me. 

As I sit on this wall, staring at the dancing jellyfish, I notice I could happily fade into the darkness. I'm only holding on because of the electric glow. Changing colors with the musics beat. Transfixed on the single Happy moment of the night.  I keep reaching for the jelly, but it is too far. Just one touch would change the worlds outlook. Deciding instead to watch and listen. Such a beautiful dance, my electric rainbow in the water. Fog arises, projecting the colors toward me. I resist the urge to reach out. Who would see me if I did? No one pays that much attention to me. I'm sitting against this wall, that means I am invisible right? Right as I decide to move forward the dream is shattered. Inconsiderate individuals barge in yelling, ruining the moment. Now I can't get back to my peace. I need help finding it. 


"One day my prince will come."  Thanks Disney. You forgot to tell me in the real world, there is no such thing. I guess I will be lost forever. 

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