"His" Time

I hate that I feel trapped and that I have trapped my kids in this horrible situation with me. I chose to go back to school instead of finding a new job when I got laid off, and now I am dealing with that pain. So many times, people believe that Domestic Abuse/Violence is just between partners. Folks don't realize that there are so many other dynamics that can take place in these situations. As long as I can remember my dad has yelled at my mom and thrown stuff at her. I even called the cops on him when I was 13 years old and watched them hand cuff him to the banister. I was taken to school in a cop car so I wouldn't be late because I opted to go to school instead of being taken hours to a family member while the cops dealt with my parents. The rest of the day was a blur and I blocked it out.  This behavior never stopped, he just got better at hiding it, or I just got better at ignoring what was going on because I was determined to try and live a normal life. Who really knows why we do what we do when we respond to trauma. My trauma therapist tried to help me get through some things and see if he could help me bring back giant chunks of my life that I had forgotten, but I dont' think I am ready as they are still not something I remember. Why have I told you this, I guess it bring me to why abuser's abuse and they do it forever. It is a cycle that won't stop. 

I have noticed a pattern. COVID obviously makes certain behaviors come out stronger than before. However, every year from October to February, he makes our lives a living hell. Constantly screaming at us, trying to make us feel like our thoughts and feelings don't matter, because frankly, they do not to him. He yells at mom mostly, because she is here. He made up a song just for her that he likes to brag about where the main verse is "you're a bitch". That is the situation we are in. He calls the cops on US, when he feels like having a night without anyone in the house. Because to him, he wants the world to think we are abusing him. Tells me that I am stupid, even though I have more schooling and life experiences than he does. I try to protect the kids from his crazy, he's literally losing his mind. We have no place to go. He slams doors, cabinets, breaks dishes, leaves trash out and makes everyone else pick it up. 

This week I have midterms, it's important that I pass so I can improve my life. Does he care, of course not. He makes sure we can't sleep. Sleep deprivation is just another tactic in his crazy abusive belt. My mom disappeared from the house because she wanted to make sure he would stop screaming at her so I could take my midterm and finish it. Now she is back, and he is right back to screaming at her again. It is absolutely not okay. 

What's worse is he thinks that he is in the right. People with issues like this honestly think that there is nothing wrong with them. That they are 100% right and the people they abuse deserve it. Sadly, this is the reality for so many people. So many people have to live in fear and constant walking on eggshells every single day of their lives. This is Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence in its element. Our world doesn't protect people like me. It doesn't protect families who aren't working. It protects the abusers. It protects the ones who are causing the harm. That's not right. I shouldn't have to worry about my animals and if they will be killed if I am forced to leave my own house. I have parrots, dogs, chickens. That isn't fair to their lives for me to leave them behind, but that is what would happen. I am not working, I can't leave, my mom can't leave. We have no way out as so many others have no way out. 

He is screaming at my mom right now as we are talking and I hear him yelling about his grandkids. HIS GRANDKIDS you guys. How can you blame children for anything when they are just being kids.  THIS IS HOW CRAZY HE IS. 

We have to find a way to fight back and change the system. Abusers who constantly call and create false claims should be the ones who are taken from the home. They should be evaluated and removed for the safety of others. Stop removing the innocents from their homes. I will say this over and over again. It shouldn't be happening. We shouldn't be forced to run away, let us fight back by removing the actual problem. 


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