It's been awhile

 Just becase I haven't made a post, doesn't mean the abuse has stopped or that things have gotten better or worse. Life just is crazy and I hate it or love it depending on the day. 

I finished my internship and got a volunteer gig at a place that I love and that keeps me busy, got to my next term and it is crazy packed and hard as hell, got two parrots and another chicken, so a lot is going on. But the home life is still hard, and that is why I am writing tonight.  Fair warning, it is not pretty and may trigger some.


I had a moment where I clearly thought what I would write in a suicide note, where I would put it so my mom would be the one to find it, where I would go and how I would do it and who would find me, because I wouldn't want it to be my kids.  Then, I just cried. I won't do it, but I wanted to because my dad is so freaking mean all time. All he does is scream and yell and torment everyone, every single day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I am so checked out of life. I don't care about finishing school for my dream any longer. I just want to give up and get out. It is heartbreaking when you are less than a year away from your goal and you just want to throw it all away because of a tyrant. Because of domestic abuse. 

Tonight, I went outside to ask him to turn down his music so the my son could sleep. Apparently this was yelling because I had to talk slightly louder because the music was very high, and I couldn't speak at a normal volume or he wouldn't be able to hear me...that meant I was yelling. That started an entire issue where I was yelling in "his" house and I was disrespecting him.

Disclaimer. I won't harm myself because I won't do that to my kids. I can't leave them in a world where I can't protect them against my dad. But, somedays it is harder than others to not think about not being here. I really don't want to be around him anymore. He makes the world dark.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sleep Deprivation

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.
Read more

There is the Ups, then the Downs.

So. Scheduling at work got terrible. I was on a shift that was awesome. However, since he was also on the shift they split us up. This only happened because someone complained so they could get my shift. It was awesome. It then ended up screwing a few other couples. Very sad really.  Then today I was sitting there and I heard her name being mentioned by our HR rep. And I got scared, and had a panic attack. All I could think about is if she started to work for us again, I would lose my job and go to jail all in the same day. I hate how this all comes back around. The waves that his actions caused will last forever it seems. How can I even attempt to get over it when it is one thing after another. Then tomorrow I get to explain to my son why his Dog is missing. She bit my dad, and unfortunantly we will not risk the danger of her hurting someone else. God forbid it was one of the babies. I also stress about the person dearest to me. She is going through a very rough time with her...
Read more

To lazy to think of a title.

There is a song that I like. And this is the description from the singer.  "'Arms' is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved but your head is always telling you reasons not to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It's about the struggle and finally giving in when you're wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins." To bad things don't work out like this. Fairy tells are not true. No matter how much I would like them to be.
Read more