Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I once again know what this is like. I have been hanging out with an amazing person who makes me feel like me again. The strangest things always happen. Someday, if this person ever finds this. Thank you.  You  have saved part of me that was almost lost. There will be no way I could ever repay you for that.

It's amazing how just one person can motivate and make you feel better. Thank you to my new friend. Unexpected, but very welcomed. He  means a lot. In turn, I must help him discover that the world is not evil and full of hate. But that he is special, and people do truly love him.

So far the New Year has been interesting. Do you ever have the feeling that you just want to write? You don't care what, but you just want to write and write and write until you are so far over it, you just delete it? I have had that feeling a few times. I have never actually  written anything down though. The urge normally hits me at work, and I will never log into this there. But I do have to say I have made a friend with someone that I never thought I would. He makes me feel like a person, an individual, special. Not in a relationship type of way. But just as a friend would do. He makes my life feel like it does have value.  However I am afraid to accept it for what it is. I almost feel like he just feels obligated to be nice. Silly me. Also, I have been sick lately. Tummy upset, nauseated and stressed. My hair is falling out and my skin is blotting. I am more in a meh mood. Meh seems safe. This is the story of a girl Who cried a river and drowned the whole world And ...

I wish I could stay I am starting my New Year happy. However, at this point in time the marriage is cancelled and I am not happy. I don't know what is going on or where my life is going. I wish I could just give up.

It seems that my attempts to resolve anything are a complete failure. I am not good enough for a new ring. I am not good enough for respect. He is just living with me for duty. Not for love. I can tell. It's like a robot walking around me all the time. I want you Romance. Someday I will know what you are, even if it is just Romance with no love. For my love will always be stolen by someone who doesn't fully appriciate what I have given.

It's December now. My son will be two years old this month. The time sure does fly. I have to wonder, how will my life look in April? I am "Supposed" to still get married? How does one get married when they no longer have a ring? How is that even considered engaged?  I just don't know what to do. I am so broken and empty. Alone. Hurt. Lost and confused. I need a clearer path. I know life isn't supposed to be easy. But I am at a point that I am not sure how much more I can handle. I am the only one that is "required" to change. I guess that shows me, that he isn't the one for me since if we can't compromise together then what's the point. Changing who you are is not love. And apparently that is what I am supposed to do. He doesn't love me. He loves the idea of me. Please someone. Help me walk away before I am completely lost to who I am. I am not Strong enough to do this on my own.

It has been awhile.  I no longer have my ring. He feels that I don't deserve it. However, he wears mine? It doesn't make sense. He also publically disrespects me in front of girls that cause the issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure I can stay with someone that is void of emotion other than anger for me. He is more passionate about people that work for him, then he is about me. It's like we live together, but don't communicate. When we do, it is small talk that means nothing. I wish I knew what to do from this point. I am to that point of being numb and just wanting to give up. Why am I going to try when he so clearly isn't. On a side note, I got disowned today because of a game. Because of pixels. It's pathetic.