Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

This time Last year I was in one of the biggest fights with the ex that I have EVER been in. There was a lot of anger, tears, frustration and generally no longer understanding each other. This was the time he said "either we get married on X date or we don't at all". Never really understanding that he really meant he doesn't want to get married. I will never forget that night. That fight set up my 2011 to be one of the worst years of my life. The worst. The next week "we" decided to go ahead and continue with the wedding planning. I poured my entire soul into planning. Got a dress, invitations sent out, decorations settled, everything. This was my Jan. - March. Then March 18th 2011 my world drastically changed. It started with I love yous and congratulations. It ended in heartbreak and broken hearts. Well only one broken heart. Mine. His couldn't break for he hadn't loved me for years. It has taken me several months to realize this. April I moved...

Today it hit me. I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so utterly alone.

So for the last 12 days, I have been thinking about posting. Then I just don't. Life has been so hectic that the days blend together. I have been extremely emo this month. First Christmas without him. I didn't think it would be this hard. I keep trying to focus on the positive but between missing him, my children screaming, and my family bitching at me all the time I just loose that focus. As of righ now. Holidays can go fuck themselves. This year needs to be over. OVER . Maybe then I can focus on new shit.

I have been trying to write for a few weeks now. But I am just so burnt out that writing is hard. The holidays are here. Work party has come and gone.  I went stag because I wanted to prove to myself I could. It didn't work the way I wanted it to. I should of just stayed home, or actually worked. I sat the whole night wishing I was there with him. Enjoying the night with him. But it was all a dream. There was a beautiful Lunar Eclipse and it was peaceful but at the same time made me miss things and second guess what my purpose once more is in life. 9 months later I realize he will be the one who will always have my heart regardless if he throws it away as he has. I am good and I don't compare anyone to him, because no one ever will be him. But no one can get my attention long enough for me to want to get to know them better. So I am going to put all my energy in my kids. Maybe someday, someone will be able to grab my attention long enough for me to give the rest of my heart...

I will walk down the isle to this song. Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid to fall Watching you stand alone All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more Time stands still Beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything take away What's standing in front of me Every breath Every hour has come to this One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought your heart to me I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more One step closer One step closer [Chorus:] I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be af...

It is never a fun situation when you are sitting in a movie that has a wedding / honeymoon scene with someone you thought you would have that once with. Sometimes I am so incredibly stupid I amazing myself. Crying myself to sleep tonight. Sigh.

So I finally am going through my camera and uploading photos and I find one of Christmas. I was sitting against him and I looked so content, happy and complete. Who would of thought that a few months later that image would be completely shattered. And now, as I look at it, with him on the bed asleep with my son, my heart shatters all over again.  So odd how things can be going so wonderful and one photo memory can change all that. I sent it to him. I am not sure what he will do with it, if he will keep it. But I sent it none the less. With an apology. Because he will never know how I truly felt about him. Because I never really let him know. Even now, as I walked him out I couldn't tell him that I sent the photo. Sure he will find out soon enough, but my words are lost around him. I am a coward to my own defenses. You would think, in light of the last week, that I shouldn't be like this. Yet the happy I have felt the past few days seems like a distant feeling or a dream. Lord...