Fuck off 2011
This time Last year I was in one of the biggest fights with the ex that I have EVER been in. There was a lot of anger, tears, frustration and generally no longer understanding each other. This was the time he said "either we get married on X date or we don't at all". Never really understanding that he really meant he doesn't want to get married. I will never forget that night. That fight set up my 2011 to be one of the worst years of my life. The worst.
The next week "we" decided to go ahead and continue with the wedding planning. I poured my entire soul into planning. Got a dress, invitations sent out, decorations settled, everything. This was my Jan. - March. Then March 18th 2011 my world drastically changed. It started with I love yous and congratulations. It ended in heartbreak and broken hearts. Well only one broken heart. Mine. His couldn't break for he hadn't loved me for years. It has taken me several months to realize this.
April I moved out. I tried really hard to live my life without him, yet I was in the same complex with him and then two weeks later right across from his door. This month is really a giant blur to me, none of it really matters I guess at this point.
May. Oh May you terrible terrible month. May 1st I was assaulted in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It was a horrible Monday morning. I took the day off to get a tattoo. I had bruises and a very hurt ego. I did still get my tattoo that day. Which helped numb the pain. The following day my apartment got broken into. Then on Mother's day he leaves a voicemail and says " I love you " at the end then has the nerve to tell me that he didn't mean it. Way to crush my mother's day. I don't understand how he can't even love me a little for I will always love him. Always. The rest of may I spent packing and moving back home to a Promise of a better life. Promise that I would be able to go out and enjoy myself with as much help needed. More lies.
June. My birthday month. Wasn't all bad. Sure he didn't get me a gift even though I got him one previously for his birthday. But on my birthday I had an interview for a temp assignment which I nailed and started the week after. I also realized on this day that the guy i was "seeing" to help me forget the pain was getting a bit to serious and I wasn't about to break his heart so I just stopped seeing him.
June - Aug I was on my temp assignment. I learned a lot of life lessons here. Mostly on how to keep my mouth shut. Everything I was saying got twisted to one of his girl toys and was made into something way worse then what was actually said. However, this was the FASTEST few months of the year for me. And I will forever be grateful to the wonderful people while I was on this assignment. These people have to be some of the most awesome people I have had the opportunity of meeting. So I thank my current TM for helping me get this chance. It saved me. Really saved me. During this I no longer was on my depression meds and I no longer had thoughts of harming myself. So thank you again.
Oct - Dec. So much has happened. He first tells me that he isn't attracted to me and never wants to have sex with me.. Then a week later he does want to have sex with me? He's one of the most confusing people I know. However I am just a pawn in his world. I know this now. I do what I have to do for my kids. They like to be with their daddy, so I make sure it happens. Even though sometimes it seems he would rather not see them. Never wanting them right after work. Things are better now that there is a set plan in place. However, it is still hard.
In conclusion, this year sucks, sucked still sucks. whatever. I am still on my feet. Alive.And doing what I need to do for my kids. Fuck everyone who gives me shit for making sure MY KIDs are first. Not me. MY KIDS. If you are to stupid to see that I live for them and not me then you can just go fuck yourself. I am tired of being judged by family and friends for the choices I make. Get off your selfish High horse and get used to it. Yes I am angry. I am tired of people not believing why I make a choice, or why I am doing something when I tell them it is for reason A. Not reason B. Don't put words in my mouth. I am still very much broken. I haven't even picked up my dress FFS! My family judges me instead of being supportive. Most of my friends judge me instead of being supported. I have realize that I can only be supportive of myself. And in that have shut down most of my heart for others. There is only room in it for my children.
I apologize for the following: The vulgar language, the bashing of people and most of all for any of the People I have and will hurt in my path to self recovery. For the ones that stick around, I know you will be my true friends. For the ones that walk, thank you for being that chapter in my life. I hope I at least left you with something you learned.
Farewell 2011. May you burn in the fiery pits of hell.
The next week "we" decided to go ahead and continue with the wedding planning. I poured my entire soul into planning. Got a dress, invitations sent out, decorations settled, everything. This was my Jan. - March. Then March 18th 2011 my world drastically changed. It started with I love yous and congratulations. It ended in heartbreak and broken hearts. Well only one broken heart. Mine. His couldn't break for he hadn't loved me for years. It has taken me several months to realize this.
April I moved out. I tried really hard to live my life without him, yet I was in the same complex with him and then two weeks later right across from his door. This month is really a giant blur to me, none of it really matters I guess at this point.
May. Oh May you terrible terrible month. May 1st I was assaulted in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It was a horrible Monday morning. I took the day off to get a tattoo. I had bruises and a very hurt ego. I did still get my tattoo that day. Which helped numb the pain. The following day my apartment got broken into. Then on Mother's day he leaves a voicemail and says " I love you " at the end then has the nerve to tell me that he didn't mean it. Way to crush my mother's day. I don't understand how he can't even love me a little for I will always love him. Always. The rest of may I spent packing and moving back home to a Promise of a better life. Promise that I would be able to go out and enjoy myself with as much help needed. More lies.
June. My birthday month. Wasn't all bad. Sure he didn't get me a gift even though I got him one previously for his birthday. But on my birthday I had an interview for a temp assignment which I nailed and started the week after. I also realized on this day that the guy i was "seeing" to help me forget the pain was getting a bit to serious and I wasn't about to break his heart so I just stopped seeing him.
June - Aug I was on my temp assignment. I learned a lot of life lessons here. Mostly on how to keep my mouth shut. Everything I was saying got twisted to one of his girl toys and was made into something way worse then what was actually said. However, this was the FASTEST few months of the year for me. And I will forever be grateful to the wonderful people while I was on this assignment. These people have to be some of the most awesome people I have had the opportunity of meeting. So I thank my current TM for helping me get this chance. It saved me. Really saved me. During this I no longer was on my depression meds and I no longer had thoughts of harming myself. So thank you again.
Oct - Dec. So much has happened. He first tells me that he isn't attracted to me and never wants to have sex with me.. Then a week later he does want to have sex with me? He's one of the most confusing people I know. However I am just a pawn in his world. I know this now. I do what I have to do for my kids. They like to be with their daddy, so I make sure it happens. Even though sometimes it seems he would rather not see them. Never wanting them right after work. Things are better now that there is a set plan in place. However, it is still hard.
In conclusion, this year sucks, sucked still sucks. whatever. I am still on my feet. Alive.And doing what I need to do for my kids. Fuck everyone who gives me shit for making sure MY KIDs are first. Not me. MY KIDS. If you are to stupid to see that I live for them and not me then you can just go fuck yourself. I am tired of being judged by family and friends for the choices I make. Get off your selfish High horse and get used to it. Yes I am angry. I am tired of people not believing why I make a choice, or why I am doing something when I tell them it is for reason A. Not reason B. Don't put words in my mouth. I am still very much broken. I haven't even picked up my dress FFS! My family judges me instead of being supportive. Most of my friends judge me instead of being supported. I have realize that I can only be supportive of myself. And in that have shut down most of my heart for others. There is only room in it for my children.
I apologize for the following: The vulgar language, the bashing of people and most of all for any of the People I have and will hurt in my path to self recovery. For the ones that stick around, I know you will be my true friends. For the ones that walk, thank you for being that chapter in my life. I hope I at least left you with something you learned.
Farewell 2011. May you burn in the fiery pits of hell.
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