Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I wish I could say I haven't been posting due to happiness. Very much the opposite. I have been really down and pretty much been ignoring the world. Threw myself into extra work, and the kids. Now that I reached the burnt out point I am finally taking a break. I have been thinking about posting, just haven't. I am just tired of being lonely and having to deal with all the wannabes who really just want a good time and not the long term.  Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of flings. I have to make at stake for that. One day, when the right Man finally appears I may be able to go down that road. But I am tired of having to try to find it with all these stupid game playing boys. It astounds me that boys are way more drama and play way more games than most girls I know. Side note, I have lost another 15 lbs. I can see my waist again. I really have nothing of substance right now. So goodnight internet world. (aka just not posting but not actually sleeping. I don't ...

I will fucking matter

I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark, I thought that you'd be here, by now. Theres nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, Im listening, but there's no sound. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm lookin' for a place, I'm searchin' for a face, Is anybody here I know, Cause' nothin's goin right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ya eah Oh, why is everything so confusing, Mayb...

I woke up. Made Bacon, Eggs and homemade Hash browns. Got screamed at by my son for no real good reason. Just because he was in a bad mood and wasn't getting his way. Got flowers for my mom.  Made sure she had some time to relax. I know that Mother's day isn't about getting gifts. But I didn't even feel like I was appreciated. Today was by far the worst Mother's Day I have ever had. I have been spending the last few hours just crying because I am burnt out from being up since 6am and then being screamed at all day by a three year old who ALWAYS has anger issues the day after he comes home.  I feel like the most unloved, under appreciated person in the world right now. I didn't even get a card from anyone. Nothing to show that hey, we know you are working your ass off, and are burnt out but you're a great mom and thanks for what you do! Maybe my fears are true. That I am a terrible mom and don't deserve anything.

It is so awesome how the boys always ask about my best friend. Is she single? Do you think she will like me? Thanks BROS. Lets not think how this would make me feel. It's cool. I'm forever fucking chop liver to anything with a Penis. Awesome. FML

So I noticed that people I work with or have worked with have a terribly warped perception of me and it is really annoying. Not wanting to tell me about things or invite me to things because they apparently don't think I can be an adult. Oh Hunnie, we didn't want you to have to be around XX person. Well shouldn't I be the one to make that choice? Instead you make it for me. Guess what. FUCK YOU GUYS. I am a big girl. I think I should be able to make those choices by myself. You don't need to make them for me. By "protecting" me, just shows that you don't think I am fucking adult enough to make those choices. So once more. Go fuck yourself.  Go fuck your delusional mind. Please understand that even if I don't care for someone, does not fucking mean I can't handle a situation and be nice. I have proven myself in the past over and over again that I can be nice even when I don't particularly like someone. SO FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT. Especially sin...

Here I am, sitting at the beach. I can no longer feel my toes. By myself... I will update the rest later. Later came like half a week later. So I sat on the beach and just watched the waves and looked at the stars. It was relaxing for a bit then I got super depressed and realize I have no one to share it with. I can just keep hoping some day someone will like me for me.