Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

My almost 16yr old son is moving to Canada today to live with his dad.  To say I am devastated is an understatement.  I won't be there for his dances, or his senior Prom. I hope I can make his graduation.  I hope I can afford to go visit him.  I don't make enough to support us half the time, so going to see him seems impossible.   I feel like my heart is breaking and I'm losing part of myself. My first love is going to be so far away. 

Do you ever feel like your soul is dying? There has been a series of events lately and it it feels so overwhelming.  On the 22nd of November I had a transient ischemic attack and thank goodness it wasn't worse. I didn't get any time off work because the owners had vacation planned and didn't want me not to be there with a relief Doctor, so I worked through the pain I was in, and I am still working through it when I can't feel my fingertips. I had an MRI and I've missed two calls with my neurologist and thankfully I see him in person this week to go over it since I can't seem to get him on the phone as I'm always working. I'm trying to take my meal breaks away from my desk because I need that time to regroup and focus on my mental health and make phone calls and get my life together without everyone else overhearing. However,  the owners are giving me a hard time about it since I'm salary. They feel that I should eat at my desk or between appointments...

I don't know where I messed up but, I'm struggling. Struggling to buy food for my kids, Struggling to find a second WFH job so I can support my family, Struggling to just cope with everything.   I just cry all the time and the depression is real. I know it's temporary and I'll maybe get through it. But, I am just not able to face reality and figure it out right now.   Please send me your prayers. I need it. 

 This last half of the year has flown by. I am in a new place, struggle bussing away. But, out of the house. I gotta find a way to make ends meet for the foreseeable future, and I cry a lot, but its better than being yelled at all the time.  I am looking for a secon job where I can work from home, but apparently there isn't a lot of that available in California. I don't understand why not. But any suggestions, would be great. I would like to not live on the streets anytime soon. I am still very happy with my relationship. He's a wonderful man that I drive crazy. But, I guess there's nothing you can do about that.  Anyways, that is all I have in the form of updates right now. I am going to watch a movie for now.  <3

It's happening.  I'm moving.  Yes, I have to or CPS will take the kiddos. But I found a place that will take almost all my animals.  So signing my lease today.  I'm so happy to finally have some relief.  Now to start the long list of things I don't have as my dad has destroyed them over the years. If anyone wants to help a stranger out, I'm shameless leaving my wishlist link because it may be a long time before I can even afford a sofa, let alone a refrigerator.  https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2AL22C1XBA8KW?ref_=wl_share

After I quit my job, my life was turned upside down. It's been a Rollercoaster of good and bad. April first I went on a date with a man that I totally like. Two days later my daughter attempted self harm and was placed on a hold. During the hold CPS has become involved due to some things my daughter has said.  I have to move due to these accusations.  April 12 I went to a Muse concert with the ex-boyfriend who ghosted me and I realized how much I liked the guy I went on a date with at the start of April. April 15/16 date guy asked me to be his official girlfriend.  Now, I know this may seem fast, but I did meet him about a year prior to this date. My daughter had a conflict at school and I told her to go to the teacher and she did and then she said some things unrelated to the conflict that got CPS called once again. So it is a constant up and down of emotions while I juggle this new boyfriend that I really like and all the issues with my daughter. I'm sending the kids to...

Recently I had surgery. I was out on leave for six weeks recovering and everything was great (minus the home drama, that will not be part of this post after this). I go back to work to a changed schedule. The Thursday before I go back, my manager called and gave me a heads up that our Critical care unit was hurting, and they needed coverage. The plan was for me to cover two days there, and remain two days in Emergency, which was my normal schedule. I agreed. Those two days became three and I just let it slide. First week back, second day in, I had a full on break down in our social workers office crying my eyes out because we had over 20 patients and just me and one other tech. Out of those patients, four of them had been actively trying to die on us, and one of them did die after I went home for the evening. In situations like this, I get extremely angry, because this was preventable for us to be this stressed out, maybe not the death, but the stress for sure. More help should have be...