Light Speed
I have been meaning to update this for a very long time now. But it is just crazy how fast the days are passing by. I was like, Oh I will post in the beginning of October. And look, it is almost December! Some days are good, some bad, some just normal. I had a wonderful opportunity at work to better myself. Now that I have the experience behind me, I am very pleased with the directions I can go. So work is great. Sometimes a bit disappointing, but what isn't.
Relationships are always a tough one for me. Pretty sure my relationship picker is broken and I should just not date anymore. There was this guy, I have liked for almost six months now. It finally felt we had been making progress to the right direction and then this new girl pops up. He knew her for less than a week and I meant nothing anymore Even though he told me he likes to move slow and not date people at work. HA! It hurt, but I am sure it is for the best. We talked about it earlier this week. He told me how " I didn't want to complicate your work life more". I believe I should be the one to make that choice? It is MY LIFE, right? Whatever, the excuses boys come up with are so fucking stupid sometimes. I'm a big girl kids, you can tell me the truth. I can handle it. Especially with everything I have been through. Alas, he chose her. Then tells me how I am Beautiful, intelligent and know exactly what I want, and that it intimidates some guys. This I know. I have always known this. For some reason a woman who can handle herself, make choices, raise children and not be completely fucking batshit crazy is a hard thing for guys to grasp. Maybe it is the fact that I don't NEED them. I am self sufficient. How dare they think I want to depend solely on them. I was co-dependent for the first time in my life towards the end of my relationship. But that was because I was so scared of life in general and going through some massive postpartum depression. Now, I know that I wouldn't have become co-dependent if that person was actually there to support me. But they hadn't been. So instead of being normal I clung harder. Oh hindsight, always 50/50.
What I have learned the last year is this. I am a fantastic person. I am not the reason people cheat, they do that because they have more serious issues than myself. Never feeling that they are loved enough and compensate by having multiple people telling them over and over again. I am a fucking amazing mother. ( I know, that's a bold statement.) I have two children that love me to death. Sure I may not always do the right thing, say the right thing, but you know what? They love me. They understand, and they know that I am home and will never let anything happen to them. I will fight for them and defend them till the end. I have a great head on my shoulders and very, very little "hate" for anyone at this time. I am sure this is hard for a lot of people to understand. But let me try to explain that a bit. Sure I may get bitchy and irritated. But it is just that irritation. I don't really "hate" anyone. I do find a lot of people just fucking retarded though. But that's not my problem. They can live life in their stupid fake bubble and I will live my life in my bubble. Yes, I get lonely, but you know what? I don't care. When the time is right someone will fill that particular void. And, I will not be the one fighting for them. I have more self worth than that, if they want me, they won't let me go. They won't chose someone else and if they do, I won't look back. Once chance, that is all you get. One. It is like that saying Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Shame on Me. There will be none of that.
I know it has taken me a long time to get to this point and countless hours of therapy for feeling inadequate. I really thought that I didn't deserve anyone. Boy who was I kidding. Myself mostly, yay pity party! I am thankful for my best friend. She keeps me sane and put up with all my amounts of crazy. ( I am sure that is an oxymoron there ). Without her I don't know what I would be doing with myself.
I reflect at my blog, damn I got super emo in parts. I am so sorry for that. But it has always been my personal therapy to write here, on this open forum for all to see. Shocking to know that I am really a very private person. I know ! I Know! That doesn't come off here now does it. All in all you glorious people, don't let the world get you down. Don't let the assholes ruin who you are. I lost myself, for a very long time. I missed me. Remember who you are and don't let anyone change that. Fight to be you. Fight to be unique. Fight to be amazing. Take it and run with it.
Relationships are always a tough one for me. Pretty sure my relationship picker is broken and I should just not date anymore. There was this guy, I have liked for almost six months now. It finally felt we had been making progress to the right direction and then this new girl pops up. He knew her for less than a week and I meant nothing anymore Even though he told me he likes to move slow and not date people at work. HA! It hurt, but I am sure it is for the best. We talked about it earlier this week. He told me how " I didn't want to complicate your work life more". I believe I should be the one to make that choice? It is MY LIFE, right? Whatever, the excuses boys come up with are so fucking stupid sometimes. I'm a big girl kids, you can tell me the truth. I can handle it. Especially with everything I have been through. Alas, he chose her. Then tells me how I am Beautiful, intelligent and know exactly what I want, and that it intimidates some guys. This I know. I have always known this. For some reason a woman who can handle herself, make choices, raise children and not be completely fucking batshit crazy is a hard thing for guys to grasp. Maybe it is the fact that I don't NEED them. I am self sufficient. How dare they think I want to depend solely on them. I was co-dependent for the first time in my life towards the end of my relationship. But that was because I was so scared of life in general and going through some massive postpartum depression. Now, I know that I wouldn't have become co-dependent if that person was actually there to support me. But they hadn't been. So instead of being normal I clung harder. Oh hindsight, always 50/50.
What I have learned the last year is this. I am a fantastic person. I am not the reason people cheat, they do that because they have more serious issues than myself. Never feeling that they are loved enough and compensate by having multiple people telling them over and over again. I am a fucking amazing mother. ( I know, that's a bold statement.) I have two children that love me to death. Sure I may not always do the right thing, say the right thing, but you know what? They love me. They understand, and they know that I am home and will never let anything happen to them. I will fight for them and defend them till the end. I have a great head on my shoulders and very, very little "hate" for anyone at this time. I am sure this is hard for a lot of people to understand. But let me try to explain that a bit. Sure I may get bitchy and irritated. But it is just that irritation. I don't really "hate" anyone. I do find a lot of people just fucking retarded though. But that's not my problem. They can live life in their stupid fake bubble and I will live my life in my bubble. Yes, I get lonely, but you know what? I don't care. When the time is right someone will fill that particular void. And, I will not be the one fighting for them. I have more self worth than that, if they want me, they won't let me go. They won't chose someone else and if they do, I won't look back. Once chance, that is all you get. One. It is like that saying Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Shame on Me. There will be none of that.
I know it has taken me a long time to get to this point and countless hours of therapy for feeling inadequate. I really thought that I didn't deserve anyone. Boy who was I kidding. Myself mostly, yay pity party! I am thankful for my best friend. She keeps me sane and put up with all my amounts of crazy. ( I am sure that is an oxymoron there ). Without her I don't know what I would be doing with myself.
I reflect at my blog, damn I got super emo in parts. I am so sorry for that. But it has always been my personal therapy to write here, on this open forum for all to see. Shocking to know that I am really a very private person. I know ! I Know! That doesn't come off here now does it. All in all you glorious people, don't let the world get you down. Don't let the assholes ruin who you are. I lost myself, for a very long time. I missed me. Remember who you are and don't let anyone change that. Fight to be you. Fight to be unique. Fight to be amazing. Take it and run with it.
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