Darkness

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've actually been really busy with life. I have been on yet another temporary assignment. As always, not promising. But, this is not why I am writing. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, alone and empty feeling. Why you ask? So many reasons.. So let's start back in July and we can go from there. 

July was not as rough as it could have been. Newly single, and I really didn't advertise it. So I just jumped into my new admin role and was enjoying life. I actually stopped drinking completely at this point. I liked the new mental clarity of being sober. It was amazing.  I met a very shy boy, and we still talk. But nothing will come from it. I'm a bit too much of a person for him to handle. I like the friendship though. It's simple and no expectations other then friends.

August was okay for the first few weeks. Then shit started getting frustrating because I found out that my normal schedule was going to change. I ended up going to HR and getting it fixed, but then got denied holidays off. My father has been increasingly mean and I've just been trying to ignore it.

October, he'll month I could call it. First weekend in October the family went to a wedding. Good ok pops started telling everyone how he raises my kids and I am never around. Then my sisters fiancé decided to tell me how I should be grateful that someone else is there to raise my kids for me. Since obviously I am incapable and not wanting to do it. Again, I let that slide. That got me thinking that I need to find some job closer to home that pays enough so I can show that I do care. I'm tired of being attacked by him. Then I have my Halloween party and my sister, her fiancé and my dad gang up on me before anyone else is there. I let that go. So the kicker. My dad never offered to pay for any part of my wedding. Now he doesn't have a job and offers to pay for part of my sisters eccentric, over the top dress. So I try to tell him how I feel, and he says "not my fault that he left you two weeks before the wedding".....because that was necessary? That hurt and it's been rough for me, then I got denied for an admin spot...shocking.. I'm pretty sure my company is fucking retarded at this point... So today..... The "father" figure in my life called me a bitch and then preceded to tell my kids that. Mommy doesn't like grandpa. So now I don't know, part of me wants to just give them to their dad and move to a different state. Just to get away from him. 

My dad makes me feel alone and empty. No person should have that power over you. But he does. I shouldn't be hoping that I get hit by a car, or some terminal disease just so my time here would be done. At least that way my kids won't think I took the easy way out. It's not easy, they are the ONLY reason I am still here. But I don't want to be. I'm in such a dark place right now. I don't see the light. I know I won't do anything stupid, because of my kids. But the want is there and far too real. I never wanted to be in this dark place again. Good old dad is the one who tends to put me there.

Welcome to my black hole.

  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sleep Deprivation

The newest form of torture is not allowing me to sleep. He doesn't need much to function, so instead of letting me sleep he will keep me awake all night long with his TV being super loud and doing god knows what in the kitchen. If I ask him to turn it down he just yells and says I am trying to pick a fight and then turns it up more. I am almost done with school and I cannot retain any information for quizzes because I am so tired all the time. I don't want to have to retake a term because I failed because I cannot sleep. I miss sleep, I really do. I know I say I can function on little, but it is starting to get to me. I need more so I can remember things. I am anxious all the time and constantly crying at stupid shit. I just need a break. I am once again watching my dreams disappear as I find I have to go another route. The one I want just isn't enough to get me and the kids out of this situation. Narcissitic   people really suck.
Read more

There is the Ups, then the Downs.

So. Scheduling at work got terrible. I was on a shift that was awesome. However, since he was also on the shift they split us up. This only happened because someone complained so they could get my shift. It was awesome. It then ended up screwing a few other couples. Very sad really.  Then today I was sitting there and I heard her name being mentioned by our HR rep. And I got scared, and had a panic attack. All I could think about is if she started to work for us again, I would lose my job and go to jail all in the same day. I hate how this all comes back around. The waves that his actions caused will last forever it seems. How can I even attempt to get over it when it is one thing after another. Then tomorrow I get to explain to my son why his Dog is missing. She bit my dad, and unfortunantly we will not risk the danger of her hurting someone else. God forbid it was one of the babies. I also stress about the person dearest to me. She is going through a very rough time with her...
Read more

To lazy to think of a title.

There is a song that I like. And this is the description from the singer.  "'Arms' is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved but your head is always telling you reasons not to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It's about the struggle and finally giving in when you're wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins." To bad things don't work out like this. Fairy tells are not true. No matter how much I would like them to be.
Read more