Crazy Life
I know I only write when I am having a hard time, but if that is the case, history shows I am having those less as the years go by, maybe a few more this year. Lately I feel as though I am an afterthought. An afterthought at work, at home, and with my boyfriend. I keep falling in this negativity trap and it sucks.
Let's start with work. I want to progress, but it feels as though my boss doesn't want me to. He just wants me to stay his personal assistant and never move forward, and that sucks. I really want to grow in this career, but I know he will not let me. He likes me to do everything for him, down to moving meetings on his own calendar.
Home is a shit show with my so called father. He's so toxic to everyone around him and I wish I could just leave and not be here anymore, but I have no choice. I can't afford to do anything else.
And then my boyfriend. It has almost been a year and he has never told me that he loves me. Rarely answers my calls and always just says "Sorry sweetie" instead of doing anything about the behavior. I know that ultimately it isn't going to work out at this point, but I keep having hope and trying to be patient, but that hope is dying. I am not sure if it is dying because that part of me is now dead, or because I am giving up, or if it is really just not there. I don't know. So many factors can be at play.
I am so over crying. I am second rate to everyone. I give so much of me and I never ask for anything in return, and maybe that is the problem. No one thinks I need it. I fill up the void in my life with volunteering because I don't feel anyone else cares about me unless I am doing something for someone else.
Then I go down the path and think about the eight years of friendship that just went to waste. All the times of going out of my way for someone else's comfort because I cared about them. Please note, I did it because I cared about her greatly and she was someone I considered a great friend, and I thought she would return the favor and that didn't happen. Instead they helped to publicly humiliate me, never drive out to me and lie to my face. I am so glad that I am worth nothing to this person as well.
For once, I just want to be special to someone. Matter to someone. My dreams of being married and having a family are now just smoke signals and hurtful wishes of my childhood dreams.
Let's start with work. I want to progress, but it feels as though my boss doesn't want me to. He just wants me to stay his personal assistant and never move forward, and that sucks. I really want to grow in this career, but I know he will not let me. He likes me to do everything for him, down to moving meetings on his own calendar.
Home is a shit show with my so called father. He's so toxic to everyone around him and I wish I could just leave and not be here anymore, but I have no choice. I can't afford to do anything else.
And then my boyfriend. It has almost been a year and he has never told me that he loves me. Rarely answers my calls and always just says "Sorry sweetie" instead of doing anything about the behavior. I know that ultimately it isn't going to work out at this point, but I keep having hope and trying to be patient, but that hope is dying. I am not sure if it is dying because that part of me is now dead, or because I am giving up, or if it is really just not there. I don't know. So many factors can be at play.
I am so over crying. I am second rate to everyone. I give so much of me and I never ask for anything in return, and maybe that is the problem. No one thinks I need it. I fill up the void in my life with volunteering because I don't feel anyone else cares about me unless I am doing something for someone else.
Then I go down the path and think about the eight years of friendship that just went to waste. All the times of going out of my way for someone else's comfort because I cared about them. Please note, I did it because I cared about her greatly and she was someone I considered a great friend, and I thought she would return the favor and that didn't happen. Instead they helped to publicly humiliate me, never drive out to me and lie to my face. I am so glad that I am worth nothing to this person as well.
For once, I just want to be special to someone. Matter to someone. My dreams of being married and having a family are now just smoke signals and hurtful wishes of my childhood dreams.
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