Silent Tears

It finally happened. On January 15th my relationship officially ended. Granted, we haven't seen each other since our anniversary,  but it is over. He made me break it off because he wasnt man enough to do it himself.  He said he didn't want to lose my friendship and said I was being unfair for not being his friend.  He was being selfish for not realizing what he was asking.  For not realizing that he had completely crushed my heart and soul and my children's. Another man has walked out on their mom and them. Another man has deemed them not worthy to stay and he thinks it is not fair that I can't and won't stay his friend. As I wrote a letter to explain to him why I couldn't remain friends, I didn't realize I was crying until the droplets hit the paper. Giant puddles formed making my pain visible and very real. I let each one fall and stain the page so that I could start the healing process.  I allowed myself one full day to cry. One full day to realize that the love of my life is gone and not coming back. One full day to process the grief and loneliness that is about to happen.  One full day to say goodbye as I can no longer hold onto what I cannot have. I must move on as the next day I have an anatomy practicum and my life must move on for me and my kids. I went to my practicum and pretended I was great. I even created a dating profile right after my final...like I am ready to date... then Friday happens..he texted me so we can meet and exchange his things. Yes..after all this time he wants to SEE me so he can get his stuff after not seeing me for months. Instead of crying, I run SIX miles. SIX. I had to have my mom pick me up as I ran too far and couldn't run home. I injured myself and was in pain. Grief does funny things to people. The next day I walk three miles and it's okay. Still in pain, but that is fine.  Then the day after I go and do my normal shift at the zoo and boy does it hurt. But, by the following day it hurts less. Now, here I am and I realize tomorrow is the day I see him and I am a hot mess. I am about to say goodbye in person to the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with while my asshole father is screaming at my mom. I realize that as long as my dad is around I have no business being with anyone. I have to keep my kids safe. They are the only ones who matter. No one will love me while the tormenter lives. That is what my now ex has shown me. Abuse is a crazy thing. It really shows that love is bullshit. 

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