February 2, 2020

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with him and it still fucking does. I want it to stop, I need it to stop. Why won't it stop. I mean absolutely nothing to him. He didn't and hasn't,  and won't fight to try to keep me or the kids who called him dad. Now, another stupid singles awareness holiday is coming and I get to realize once again how lonely I truly am. 

I tried to distract myself with dating websites,  but I've always hated those and they make me nervous.  I wouldn't be able to meet someone comfortably from there. I just have nothing left to give. I'm not lovable.  My own children don't even love me, how could another adult. The worst part is how badly I want to hate him. How badly I want to reach out.  And I can't do either. I wish I could just give up on life and opt out, but that is also not an option. 

Super aggressive depression post tonight, but I have a lot of that right now, I am far from happy. Sorry friends. 

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