Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I will fucking matter

I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark, I thought that you'd be here, by now. Theres nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, Im listening, but there's no sound. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm lookin' for a place, I'm searchin' for a face, Is anybody here I know, Cause' nothin's goin right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ya eah Oh, why is everything so confusing, Mayb...

I woke up. Made Bacon, Eggs and homemade Hash browns. Got screamed at by my son for no real good reason. Just because he was in a bad mood and wasn't getting his way. Got flowers for my mom.  Made sure she had some time to relax. I know that Mother's day isn't about getting gifts. But I didn't even feel like I was appreciated. Today was by far the worst Mother's Day I have ever had. I have been spending the last few hours just crying because I am burnt out from being up since 6am and then being screamed at all day by a three year old who ALWAYS has anger issues the day after he comes home.  I feel like the most unloved, under appreciated person in the world right now. I didn't even get a card from anyone. Nothing to show that hey, we know you are working your ass off, and are burnt out but you're a great mom and thanks for what you do! Maybe my fears are true. That I am a terrible mom and don't deserve anything.

It is so awesome how the boys always ask about my best friend. Is she single? Do you think she will like me? Thanks BROS. Lets not think how this would make me feel. It's cool. I'm forever fucking chop liver to anything with a Penis. Awesome. FML

So I noticed that people I work with or have worked with have a terribly warped perception of me and it is really annoying. Not wanting to tell me about things or invite me to things because they apparently don't think I can be an adult. Oh Hunnie, we didn't want you to have to be around XX person. Well shouldn't I be the one to make that choice? Instead you make it for me. Guess what. FUCK YOU GUYS. I am a big girl. I think I should be able to make those choices by myself. You don't need to make them for me. By "protecting" me, just shows that you don't think I am fucking adult enough to make those choices. So once more. Go fuck yourself.  Go fuck your delusional mind. Please understand that even if I don't care for someone, does not fucking mean I can't handle a situation and be nice. I have proven myself in the past over and over again that I can be nice even when I don't particularly like someone. SO FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT. Especially sin...

Here I am, sitting at the beach. I can no longer feel my toes. By myself... I will update the rest later. Later came like half a week later. So I sat on the beach and just watched the waves and looked at the stars. It was relaxing for a bit then I got super depressed and realize I have no one to share it with. I can just keep hoping some day someone will like me for me.

I am going to start off with my frame of mind this month.  It was just a crappy month in General for me. Everything bad that could happen, happened.  Flat Tire and just random emotional shit going through my head.  Hard to explain so lets scratch that.... but leave it... To respond to my Defeated comment. I am hard on myself because I just can't seem to pull it together and work out like I need too. I am always up so late with the kids that I just go right to bed and then wake up and go right to work.  Sure it may be excuses, but I am just always exhausted and it is easier to be lazy. However now that my diabetes has returned I will need to focus on this a bit more. Dearest I forgave you long ago because I never even really hated you. Frustrated, upset and sad that I lost a friend over a boy that I never really "had". Frustrated about that whole situation really. I have my up and downs. Lately downs. But I am working on being me again. I go out and dance more,...