Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

That moment when you realize you are alone. Completely alone and always the spare tire. Kids have each other, parents and my sister and her boy friend. Being alone at night, stressed out and utterly exhausted does evil things to your mind.

I have been meaning to update this for a very long time now. But it is just  crazy how fast the days are passing by. I was like, Oh I will post in the beginning of October. And look, it is almost December!  Some  days are good, some bad, some just normal. I had a wonderful opportunity at work to better myself. Now that I have the experience behind me, I am very pleased with the directions I can go. So work is great. Sometimes a bit disappointing, but what isn't. Relationships are always a tough one for me. Pretty sure my relationship picker is broken and I should just not date anymore. There was this guy, I have liked for almost six months now. It finally felt we had been making progress to the right direction and then this new girl pops up. He knew her for less than a week and I meant nothing anymore Even though he told me he likes to move slow and not date people at work. HA!  It hurt, but I am sure it is for the best. We talked about it earlier this week. He tol...

I know I haven't come here for a bit. Life just got a some what busy and passing me by. I have just been focusing on working and raising the kids and not much else. I have been going to see my therapist every two weeks and I believe that is going well for me. I am a temporary supervisor at work right now ( for a full 4 weeks ) so at least I have that going for me. Got turned down for two other spots that I really wanted though. So I guess that is my life. Forever stuck with what I am doing until I can find a way to go back to school and afford raising my kids. That's all I got for now.

I wish I could say I haven't been posting due to happiness. Very much the opposite. I have been really down and pretty much been ignoring the world. Threw myself into extra work, and the kids. Now that I reached the burnt out point I am finally taking a break. I have been thinking about posting, just haven't. I am just tired of being lonely and having to deal with all the wannabes who really just want a good time and not the long term.  Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of flings. I have to make at stake for that. One day, when the right Man finally appears I may be able to go down that road. But I am tired of having to try to find it with all these stupid game playing boys. It astounds me that boys are way more drama and play way more games than most girls I know. Side note, I have lost another 15 lbs. I can see my waist again. I really have nothing of substance right now. So goodnight internet world. (aka just not posting but not actually sleeping. I don't ...

I will fucking matter

I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark, I thought that you'd be here, by now. Theres nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, Im listening, but there's no sound. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm lookin' for a place, I'm searchin' for a face, Is anybody here I know, Cause' nothin's goin right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone. Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home. Chorus: It's a dimn cold night, Tryin' to figure out this life, Won't you take me by the hand, Take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ya eah Oh, why is everything so confusing, Mayb...

I woke up. Made Bacon, Eggs and homemade Hash browns. Got screamed at by my son for no real good reason. Just because he was in a bad mood and wasn't getting his way. Got flowers for my mom.  Made sure she had some time to relax. I know that Mother's day isn't about getting gifts. But I didn't even feel like I was appreciated. Today was by far the worst Mother's Day I have ever had. I have been spending the last few hours just crying because I am burnt out from being up since 6am and then being screamed at all day by a three year old who ALWAYS has anger issues the day after he comes home.  I feel like the most unloved, under appreciated person in the world right now. I didn't even get a card from anyone. Nothing to show that hey, we know you are working your ass off, and are burnt out but you're a great mom and thanks for what you do! Maybe my fears are true. That I am a terrible mom and don't deserve anything.