Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Maybe I curse myself. Whatever it is..I spoke too soon I guess. For Mother's Day I didn't even get to see my boyfriend. I knew he was going to hang out with his mom, but I at least thought I would get to see him at some point. Nope. Not at all. He took a nap instead. My day was hell. Screaming babies...blood from screaming babies because they decided to get hurt today. And no comfort..or hugs.. Maybe I just expect too much. I want romance. It just isn't a thing. Nothing but dreams that will never come true. Super depressed and needed to type. Not that it's making me feel better as normal. Giant hole.

It's gone by super quick. Ups and Downs still. But I owe it to you all to update!  So as you have seen with my previous post I have a Boyfriend. I actually met him back in 2006 at work. He shortly left my company and has done other things with his life. He was married at the time and has two kids of his own. Teenagers at this point. After his wife, he was then in a very long relationship with another. They broke up towards the end of last year.  I have seen him from time to time through out the years at Blizzcon. He always made sure to come find me and say hello. Then in November he Facebook stalked me and hit me up. I decided fuck it, and met him for a drink one day after Super X-fit. He came off as a douche honestly, making sure to tell me how he is not wanting a relationship with anyone, just friendship. So immediately I was like, Fuck this guy, I am out. I am done with flings, I have had those and can have them all I want. Over it. ( I mentioned that I met him towards th...

Holy fucking shit, I have a boyfriend. That is all. Carry on. :)

"Heartbeat Song" This is my heartbeat song and I'm gonna play it Been so long I forgot how to turn it up up up up all night Oh up up all night long You, where the hell did you come from? You were a different, different kind of fun And still used to feel it now Now, I got pins and needles on my tongue Anticipating what's to come Like a finger on a loaded gun I can feel it rising Temperature inside me Haven't felt for a long time This is my heartbeat song and I'm gonna play it Been so long I forgot how to turn it up up up up all night Oh up up all night long This is my heartbeat song and I'm gonna play it Turn it on But I know you can take it up up up up all night Oh up up all night long I, I wasn't even gonna go out But I never would have had a doubt If I don't know where I'd be know Your hands on my hips And my kiss on your lips And I could do this for a long time This is my heartbeat song and I'm gonna play it Been so long I forgot how to ...

So for the first time in all the years of blogging, I deleted a post that I had saved as a draft. I felt that if I posted it, it would just make folks think I am in a Dark Place again. But I am not. I was really just ranting about stupid people and lack of humanity in the world. I get frustrated because some people take my talking as in, I am bitter, or hating or I need to fix myself.  The only think I am sorry for, is that some people can't face reality like I do. My glass is never half empty. Nor is it half full. It is what it is, and that is all that matters to me. With that being said. Let's get on to updating my life. So I helped with a friends break up for over six months. Finally got him to a place where he understood it wasn't his fault, and that some people are just cheaters. Then what does he do, just goes right back to her. I felt so used.  I know that I am here to help people. Just sometimes it gets really old. I am always there for everyone but I feel, if I ...

I have been having the hardest time lately. I cry. All the time. Happy, sad or frustrated. I cry.  I don't know why. I can't figure it out. Maybe it's a new way for my body to release stress. I don't know. I wanted to write more but now I can't seem to form into words everything that I'm thinking. I can't even type correct sentences. So I leave you with nothing tonight. I need to soul search.

It appears my insomnia is back in full swing. So much feels like it is going on right now. Thankfully I kept this blog around to help me vent. I realized there are very few people who I let in, so instead I give my hopes, dreams, fears and drama to the internet world. Thanks for that. I need to try and realign my career. Figure out who I am, and what I can be. It's very apparent to me as of yesterday, that my original goals will never happen. It's a dream that I just for some reason can't grasp at my current company. So I am going to see about finding some night school and get some education. I was thinking business, but would I be happy? Most likely not.  I want to work with animals. Help them, take care of them and love them when no one else will. They are far more deserving of that love then most of the people in this world. Cruel of me to say? Maybe. But most know its true. I witnessed an accident the other day. No one stopped to see if this man was okay. No one even ca...