The "Date" Has passed.

I have been missing from the Internet world for a few weeks now it seems. I haven't been able to find the time or desire to be on the Internet or even at my computer. So you can imagine the surprise when I get on my blog and I see a comment. A long one, from someone that I just don't know. I mean, obviously I know them. But I can't figure it out.  Whoever you are. Thank you. I cried, however it wasn't tears of pain, but of knowing you are right.  You said something, that is actually in line with what I was originally going to post about tonight and most likely still will. " Because that fiesty, funky, shining, spunky girl is irresistable." This statement, I miss being this person. Somehow, in all of this I lost this person. I am hoping it isn't lost forever just maybe stuck in the background of this now uptight, stressed out struggling to please everyone person that I have become. I also know how I ended up this way. I am going back to therapy so I can get the help I need so I can be me again.  However, before I get to my original Post, to you my Anonymous blogger, I am curious on who you are. If you know me, mysteries are something I like to have solved for sanity reasons. But at the same time, your comment saying I would take this down makes me wonder why you would say that. I am impressed that after all these years someone has posted on my blog. I sat and wondered if anyone in the world ever would. To have someone to talk to, to not feel alone.  However, I have made an MSN for this Blog. If you feel like creating one to chat, Zabraniany@hotmail.com.


Now onto my  Original thoughts. Some may reflect what has been said above. BUT, it happens.


For the last few weeks I have been struggling with life in general. Struggling with my parents to try to give them the space they need to accept that yes, I have moved out and yes this is what is best for me. How  can I find out who I am with my parents always there. I can't. I needed to move out for me. But the move is rough. I get into my place and it seems the world just wanted to shit on me. The rooms smelt like cat pee. So I complained and was told it was just a leak and it was fixed. A week later FINALLY I got them to come in and smell it. Immediately they knew I was right. And now I am moved into another apartment right across from his. This is specially hard on me. I know this is good for the kids, to be close to me and their dad. But how can I move on knowing he lives right across the hall? Knowing he is so close yet I can't be with him. We have barely talked in the last few weeks, and the times we have, it always ended in anger and hurt. I was supposed to have his last name as of last week. And now I don't. I have a beautiful dress that I will never wear, because even if I do marry someone and it isn't him, why would I want to wear "his" dress with that person. I should just sell it, I just don't think I am ready to do that right now.

So today as I was sitting in traffic I had time to reflect. What happened to me. When did it happen. Why did it happen?
I changed because no matter what I did, it never felt that I was good enough for anyone or the world. I have always been the rock for other people and I started to depend on him to be my rock. And he was, however I let that rock dependence turn into real codependency. 
This happened when a series of things went on, I got denied a promotion, I lost a family member and found out a few weeks later I was pregnant. All these hormones went crazy and unchecked. I remember telling my nurse what was going on and she brushed it off and it got worse. Then on top of it all, I got a manager who treated me like I was nothing, that nothing I did was ever good enough and that I was wasting my time trying to get into management. So I kept changing, for him, thinking it was the best to do. 
Now, I am not saying I am not to blame, because I am. I let myself change. I let others bring me down when I was weak.  

My first step is therapy. To see if I am capable of fixing myself. I am hoping that once I go, I will be able to have a clearer path on what needs to be done for me to be happy. I am tried of crying everyday and I keep thinking it will get better, then it never does. I have an appointment on Monday for this, so as long as I am not burnt out, I will attempt to post an update.

Anyways. So the night before the "wedding" I was having a really rough time. I started crying and I came home. I kept hoping he would come and comfort me and it never happened. I know we aren't together but I wanted it still. Then the "wedding" day, we got in a cute argument and he basically said that I am no longer his problem. Which made me realize one thing. He has moved on. Even though he says he is broken and wants to fix it. He doesn't. He just wants me to be close so he can see his kids.



Staring at the moon,
The world slowly spins
Loosing humanity
over a few small sins

Hoping for the light
of everyones rights.

Until it shines,
tonight is mine
and the beauty,
will come again


With that. I think I should go away from the computer. I will end up sitting here writing you a book to read.