Single Momdom

I am having a very hard day today. This single mom thing is very difficult for me. I don't get to sleep much and the kids wake up early. I know I can do it. It is just not that easy for me right now during this adjusting phase. I know he lives right across the hall, but I don't even want to ask for help. I stayed the night with my best friend in the hospital and the whole next day he just complained how tired he was. It's like, well how the hell am I supposed to feel about that? I am tired all the time.I watch the kids all the time. I get up with them, comfort them when they cry for him. That is emotionally draining for me on top of my lack of sleep. You don't hear me complain every single day how tired I am.

I had a dream last night. Or a nightmare. I can't decide what I want it to be right now. But everything was okay. I got to wear my beautiful dress and get married to him. But even now I think about that. Do I want to? I don't know anymore. One thing I used to say was Love isn't enough. And I do love him, but maybe I want more. Maybe I expect to much. I have this stupid fucking thought that I can find some guy right now, that has lots of money and doesn't mind my kids. I just want to be spoiled for a little bit. Have him buy me shoes, game systems, a new TV, a car. Stupid material things. I know it won't happen but it would be nice. I just need a distraction and I never get it.
Surrounded by my kids with him living less than 20 feet away does not give me any space or time to myself.  Thankfully the need to call the suicide line isn't there anymore. I did call a few times over the last weekend because I didn't think I could handle anything. I know I wouldn't never follow through on the thoughts, but the fact that they had been there.... really scared me for myself and for my kids. I would never want to leave them without me. It's just cruel.

I want to be whole again. Hopefully Monday will help me start that process.

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