Growing Up With Abuse

Growing up in a home with Domestic Voilence isn't something that is always seen from outsiders. Family and friends may think everything is great. The abuser comes off as a great guy. Becomes friends with your friends, sometimes better friends than you because you're too afraid to let anyone get close and see the truth. I'm 37 years old and still living in an abusive home because this economy is not kind. I have safeguards to protect my mind now, but damage has been done after 30+ years of abuse.  

I know I've mentioned incidents in the past, but I want to do a deeper dive into why abusers get away with so much and why victims stay as long as we do. The simple answer comes down to this. Abuse happens because the world let's it happen. This isn't just a problem in America, but world wide. Our system fails us, every single day. Just because we aren't getting physically beat up every single day, doesn't mean there isn't damage being done. Coercive control is still happening as well as other forms of Voilence. Trust me, I have 5 years of videos of being screamed at, being called a b*tch, and far worse. But, to the system, their resolution is for the victims to figure it out and leave without any help or support. And that is why victims stay. Often times we have children, pets and obligations that require a home so we can shower, feed a family, shelter a family and animals. However, since the resolution is for us to leave when there are no suitable options available, well that makes it damn near impossible. Oh I know there will be someone who will comment saying there are options out there, and yes, there are shelters. But please, tell me a shelter that will take 2 women, 2 children, 2 dogs, 2 Cats a lizard and 6 chickens. I'm not letting my animals suffer because one person is an abuser. Why do the abusers get everything? Why do the abusers "win"? Why does the system fail the victims and not remove a man who took advantage of a situation and tries to kill his wife when she went to bed because she had too much to drink and at the hospital they didn't take photos of the bruises around her neck. Instead they just did a blood alcohol level? None of this is okay. We need to do better worldwide and take Domestic Voilence more seriously. It's not always just spousal abuse, but parents to children as well. 

I went to therapy for years. Part of my trauma response is dissociation. I have dissociative amnesia for most of my childhood. People will talk about events in my life and I 100% cannot remember it because normally something happened right before or after it that caused me to block it out. All the yelling and screaming and name calling made me want to protect myself, and that is the form it took. This is a form of PTSD. I also chose to be alone because I don't trust easy. As I got older and went to therapy, these are things I tried to work on. If I am not being mindful, I will dissociate and it sucks. I have a really hard time with people who talk louder than normal, even If they aren't yelling, as it just triggers a PTSD response in me. I know it's not their fault, so I remove myself from the situation until I can regulate my emotions. But these are lifelong effects of living with and growing up with Domestic Voilence. You never know what people are going through or what they have gone through. I'm not saying you should always think about that either. However, I want to raise awareness that Domestic Voilence has gotten worse since the Pandemic. More and more people, men and women alike, have been experiencing abuse in all forms. Yelling, hitting, rape, coercive control, financial control, threats. I used to not say anything because I was afraid to stand up for myself, so why would I stand up for others. Then I realize that was the problem. Yes, things have gotten more violent in my home because I stand up for myself and he is losing his perceived control. But, I cannot and will not, let him control me or my mom any longer. Yes, there are times when I still have to leave with my kids for our safety. However, my mind matters too and I cannot let him take it. 

After all this, my choice with life is to love and give kindness to the world. I want to spread love, kindness, generosity because those are things I have longed for. Those are things my mom has taught myself and my sister. Those are things I want for my momma. She deserves them and I hope one day she will find love again and not this horrid abuse cycle we are stuck in. I just want the world to be a better place and I know we can get there if we keep trying. Keep hoping. And never give up.

We matter. Don't stop fighting. 

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1.800.799.7233

Or text "START" to 88788