Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

It has been awhile.  I no longer have my ring. He feels that I don't deserve it. However, he wears mine? It doesn't make sense. He also publically disrespects me in front of girls that cause the issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure I can stay with someone that is void of emotion other than anger for me. He is more passionate about people that work for him, then he is about me. It's like we live together, but don't communicate. When we do, it is small talk that means nothing. I wish I knew what to do from this point. I am to that point of being numb and just wanting to give up. Why am I going to try when he so clearly isn't. On a side note, I got disowned today because of a game. Because of pixels. It's pathetic.

They are everyplace I turn. From my parents. From him. From friends. Seems only one or two people understand that with me, the truth will always win. Truth stings, but lies leave a scar forever. Why some people don't understand this about me, I just don't get. You would think that someone living with me for years , having children with me, would understand this the most. But he doesn't care. He is so disconnected that I mean jack shit. I tell him things. ALL THE TIME. Even when people specifically state DO NOT TELL *****, I still do. Why, because I was raised that your partner is another half of you, you can't function if you aren't open about all things and equal. I will never be his other half no matter how much I try. Maybe one day I will let the depression take over so it can take me.

Torn. Broken. Shattered. Lost. Confused. Darkness. Empty. Void. Pain. Lies. Light. Hope. Faith. Strong. Passionate. Love. Loyalty. Sad when the bad outweighs the good.

I have no other title. It is how I feel and how I am looking at things now. I am just not caring at this point. I was yelled at so bad last night it took me back to a previous relationship. He got in my face and was screaming and the first thing that came in my mind was that I was about to be hit. I know he would never, at least I hope he would never. But I was so scared. I had a panic attack and ended up locking myself in my bathroom with the lights off until I could calm down. I had terribly thoughts of ways to end it all and that just scared me because I haven't had those kind of thoughts in a very long time. I know it was due to the anxiety only. And I can't stop listening to that song.

Sometimes, this feels like my life. The hitting = Verbal in my case. [Chorus - Rihanna:] Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie   [Eminem] I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight High off of love, drunk from my hate, It's like I'm huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! Where you going? "I'm leaving you" No you ain't. Come back we're running right back. Here we go again It's so insane cause when it's going good, it...

So I thought this weekend was going to be great. Just us, no kids since Thursday night. I was so wrong. He was grumpy because his week sucked and he is tired. As usual. Always tired. So am I and I don't complain about it as much as him.  So whatever. Then Friday, was okay, not to terrible. Mostly tired because I worked that evening. Saturday Morning I worked at 6 am. Then when I got off we went to "dinner" and then to the concert. After the Concert we saw a bunch of people we know.  And while in this crowd he once again disrespected me. I literally just walked away this time. Of course it was turned around on me and made me look like the ass. I am just so tired of the constant public disrespect. I want to listen to my grandma and keep on trying. But why, if I am the only one willing to try to make things better.

Why is it that no matter what. THIS FUCKING BITCH IS IN MY LIFE. First she goes after my guy best friend. Now she is going after my sister. Like I understand that she is proud of herself for being a homewrecking whore. But the damage was already done, stop trying to destroy me more. I don't have much else.