Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

It seems that my attempts to resolve anything are a complete failure. I am not good enough for a new ring. I am not good enough for respect. He is just living with me for duty. Not for love. I can tell. It's like a robot walking around me all the time. I want you Romance. Someday I will know what you are, even if it is just Romance with no love. For my love will always be stolen by someone who doesn't fully appriciate what I have given.

It's December now. My son will be two years old this month. The time sure does fly. I have to wonder, how will my life look in April? I am "Supposed" to still get married? How does one get married when they no longer have a ring? How is that even considered engaged?  I just don't know what to do. I am so broken and empty. Alone. Hurt. Lost and confused. I need a clearer path. I know life isn't supposed to be easy. But I am at a point that I am not sure how much more I can handle. I am the only one that is "required" to change. I guess that shows me, that he isn't the one for me since if we can't compromise together then what's the point. Changing who you are is not love. And apparently that is what I am supposed to do. He doesn't love me. He loves the idea of me. Please someone. Help me walk away before I am completely lost to who I am. I am not Strong enough to do this on my own.

It has been awhile.  I no longer have my ring. He feels that I don't deserve it. However, he wears mine? It doesn't make sense. He also publically disrespects me in front of girls that cause the issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure I can stay with someone that is void of emotion other than anger for me. He is more passionate about people that work for him, then he is about me. It's like we live together, but don't communicate. When we do, it is small talk that means nothing. I wish I knew what to do from this point. I am to that point of being numb and just wanting to give up. Why am I going to try when he so clearly isn't. On a side note, I got disowned today because of a game. Because of pixels. It's pathetic.

They are everyplace I turn. From my parents. From him. From friends. Seems only one or two people understand that with me, the truth will always win. Truth stings, but lies leave a scar forever. Why some people don't understand this about me, I just don't get. You would think that someone living with me for years , having children with me, would understand this the most. But he doesn't care. He is so disconnected that I mean jack shit. I tell him things. ALL THE TIME. Even when people specifically state DO NOT TELL *****, I still do. Why, because I was raised that your partner is another half of you, you can't function if you aren't open about all things and equal. I will never be his other half no matter how much I try. Maybe one day I will let the depression take over so it can take me.

Torn. Broken. Shattered. Lost. Confused. Darkness. Empty. Void. Pain. Lies. Light. Hope. Faith. Strong. Passionate. Love. Loyalty. Sad when the bad outweighs the good.

I have no other title. It is how I feel and how I am looking at things now. I am just not caring at this point. I was yelled at so bad last night it took me back to a previous relationship. He got in my face and was screaming and the first thing that came in my mind was that I was about to be hit. I know he would never, at least I hope he would never. But I was so scared. I had a panic attack and ended up locking myself in my bathroom with the lights off until I could calm down. I had terribly thoughts of ways to end it all and that just scared me because I haven't had those kind of thoughts in a very long time. I know it was due to the anxiety only. And I can't stop listening to that song.

Sometimes, this feels like my life. The hitting = Verbal in my case. [Chorus - Rihanna:] Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie   [Eminem] I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight High off of love, drunk from my hate, It's like I'm huffing pain and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me She fucking hates me and I love it. Wait! Where you going? "I'm leaving you" No you ain't. Come back we're running right back. Here we go again It's so insane cause when it's going good, it...