Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

So here I have what I thought was a productive weekend. Then everything changes and it goes back to as it was.     We had a therapy session on Saturday, then we went to lunch and a movie. It finallt felt as our relationship as friends was moving forward. It was nice to hang out and be normal. I have very much missed his company.  Sunday started off great as well. Kids had been in a good mood and mom and I took my son and went out while the wee one was sleeping. Then had a few friends over. The kids asked for daddy so I had him stop by. Everything was fine. We both had been relaxing on the sofa after he got our little girl to sleep in less than five minutes. My dad then came in and sat down and then proceeded to start a conversation in front of my son calling his daddy bad names. I told him to knock it off. Then in return he told me to move out. So I need to find a new home. Then my cat, well she is very old, is dieing. She can barely move her back legs and crie...

I feel completely lost, alone and frightened. Goals have not been met. I wanted a family, a complete family. Not a broken one where my son asks me when his daddy is coming home and I have to tell him he's not. It breaks my heart every time. I want to be loved, Held, Romanced, told I'm beautiful. But not by random people. By someone who is committed to me. Who completes me once again and I complete their world. I still feel as if my soul is missing. It ran away with the person it felt it belonged to. And I am beginning to think I will never get it back and I will remain this hollow shell of nothingness. Rotting away into a perfect robot.  I realize that I have done wrong in my past, but you can't change the past only know what not to do for the future. But when your future is so unclear, how do you know what path to take? Judgement may be off and cloudy. Gut feelings may be ignored or incorrect . Life is an unfair cruel joke.  I know I have said it before, but I do really th...

Promise Yourself: To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole wo...

I wish I could say I believe that Time Heals all. Some days, everything seems fine and then others the pain is back like a freshly opened wound. Now I do know that I am slowly not loving him anymore. But at the same time, he is still who I want to be with? How fucked up is that.  I do finally once again  feel beautiful. I don't remember the last time I have had this much attention and someone calling me beautiful every single day. But at the same time I still want him to be the one who is saying it. I think I need serious help. Serious serious help. On more than an every other month basis. Damnit. Or just advice that works and makes sense. Something. Anything. " Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)"

I am so over the petty bullshit. He is always the Fucking victim. No one listens to him. He's so Fucking selfish. Lawyer time for real.

This month is now flying by. I am on a temporary assignment that I love and it keeps me busy. However, no matter what distraction I may find, he is the first and last thing I think about every single day. I just want it to stop. I don't want to love him or care about him or think about it. But I don't have a choice. It is part of my life no matter what happens. This is the absolute last public time I am saying this. I will refuse to say this in the future. It may be harmful to an extend to myself.. . But saying it hurts more. I love you. And good bye.

I really don't understand. Now that I am not in the same building it is like he talks to me more. It is sooo frustrating. I have so many things to think about and I hate it. He's being nicer. Gave me a random real hug the other day. Real hug as in long and tight and held me. I don't know. I love him. But I know it won't work. Deep down, I know it won't. So I am not going to let myself entertain that idea again. It's a trap. It always is. This weekend will be fun I hope. Good Night.