Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Finally. After all this time I will always trust my gut. If it makes me seem paranoid. Guess what, I don't care. I am "paranoid" for a reason. I finally caught someone in the act of lying to me. This going to a couples therapist is a joke. He doesn't want to fix things, he just wants to string me on forever because he knows I will take the kids away from him. Tonight he tells me he is going to bed. One of the worst gut feelings I had. So since it was on my way home, I decided to discount my gut feeling once and for all. Low and behold, I was right. Was he asleep? No. He was sitting on his porch with a girl. All he had to tell me was he had a guest over and couldn't talk. But that is to hard. I do love him. And most likely always will. But I deserve more than these lies. More than these stories. And so do my kids.  We ALL deserve more than what he is  giving any of us. Including his family. As he uses them for cover.

January 21, 2011 I purchased my Wedding dress in hopes to wear it in April. Due to obvious events, that didn't happen and I never picked up the dress. A year later, I come home and low and behold, my dress is in my garage. I knew this day was coming but I NEVER expected it to hit me this hard. I had a full on crying breakdown in my bosses office. Thankfully he is a very understanding person and won't hold this against me. He instantly made me feel better and laugh. I am very grateful for that. I know I should most likely just sell my dress. But just like my ring, I can't bring myself to do it. I think I am holding out until the bitter end, or until I am numb of the emotional attachment I have to both. And that is the end of my emo tastic post.

It is halfway through Jan. I am loosing focus at work, just had an interview for the Temporary Assignment I was on and I am just completely lost. Tax season wee. Causing more issues then good. I just am tired. Always so tired.

Waiting, Watching, Listening Standing Still While the world gets its' fill Innocent laughter Fills the air Another Sun rises in the endless horizon The time will come and your life will be won I realize this may not make sense to a lot of people. But I am unique. I have certain things in my life that I value, that deserve to be number one and no one, will ever, take that away from them. Please understand that what I do is for them . Not for you, not for me, not for their dad, grandparents or friends. But for them.  Sure I may be a bit extreme. Sure I may sacrifice certain things that are considered happiness and comfort. And you never know, it may kill me ultimately. But, as long as they are provided for, and happy. Then whatever my fate, will be my fate. For those that judge me, who don't accept my choices, (you  know who you are.) I feel sorry for you. For being so narrow minded and selfish that you can't even begin to understand what or why ...

This time Last year I was in one of the biggest fights with the ex that I have EVER been in. There was a lot of anger, tears, frustration and generally no longer understanding each other. This was the time he said "either we get married on X date or we don't at all". Never really understanding that he really meant he doesn't want to get married. I will never forget that night. That fight set up my 2011 to be one of the worst years of my life. The worst. The next week "we" decided to go ahead and continue with the wedding planning. I poured my entire soul into planning. Got a dress, invitations sent out, decorations settled, everything. This was my Jan. - March. Then March 18th 2011 my world drastically changed. It started with I love yous and congratulations. It ended in heartbreak and broken hearts. Well only one broken heart. Mine. His couldn't break for he hadn't loved me for years. It has taken me several months to realize this. April I moved...

Today it hit me. I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so utterly alone.

So for the last 12 days, I have been thinking about posting. Then I just don't. Life has been so hectic that the days blend together. I have been extremely emo this month. First Christmas without him. I didn't think it would be this hard. I keep trying to focus on the positive but between missing him, my children screaming, and my family bitching at me all the time I just loose that focus. As of righ now. Holidays can go fuck themselves. This year needs to be over. OVER . Maybe then I can focus on new shit.