Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Sometimes I don't understand things. First I am told for my Birthday I am being sent on vacation. Has that planning happened? FUCK NO. Instead they are all going on vacation that they planned for themselves and guess who wasn't invited. THIS FUCKING GUY. Then because I work later, my babysitters think it is okay to let the kids stay up later. NOT OKAY. ITS 11 MOTHER FUCKING THIRTY. THEY JUST WENT TO SLEEP. Done. Just so done right now.

Realizing you have been holding on to something for so long for no reason is always a slap in the face. I have been holding onto something for at least three years. Things have been far past gone before I was even preggers for the first time. Oh Silly me. Tonight. I was me. Spontaneous. Fun. Happy. Main word HAPPY. I was truely okay with how things are today. Learned. Loved. Broke. Repaired. Maybe broke a bit more. But something I used to say.. however not relevent.... Truth  may hurt a bit, but lies will leave a scar forever....   This lie of a life, WILL NOT happen. This bird's wings are no longer clipper. She is Free. Free to fly.  Free to Love and free to be Happy and not worry about anything but herself and her babies.  If you are lucky, you may be able to have this bird someday. Somday. Not now. But someday this amazing beautiful free bird,  may be something you can admire.

I Am So Sick Of The MOTHER FUCKING LIES

Things have changed so much so fast. One day, you are surrounded by friends that you consider family. Then you are not. So many people out of jobs. So many people that you love gone from your daily life. It is amazing how fast things can happen. It is hard to put down in words how I feel. Sure I kept my job, and I know some people are upset that I did. Or bitter. Or angry. And that is fine. Those are all normal feelings. How can I dislike them for that? I can't. I am upset for them. I am bitter, angry and hate myself. Survivor Guilt is a relentless piece of shit. My best friend. My  "little brother". My other best friend. My two amazing Seniors and one Supervisor all gone. ALL the people that made me want to go to work. Made me want to show up every single day and just laugh and love. Gone.  A new job has begun. Stunned Silence Sad Tears Something is Missing After all of these Years. Someday Soon the day will brighten May all the lost Never be Forgotten.

Finally. After all this time I will always trust my gut. If it makes me seem paranoid. Guess what, I don't care. I am "paranoid" for a reason. I finally caught someone in the act of lying to me. This going to a couples therapist is a joke. He doesn't want to fix things, he just wants to string me on forever because he knows I will take the kids away from him. Tonight he tells me he is going to bed. One of the worst gut feelings I had. So since it was on my way home, I decided to discount my gut feeling once and for all. Low and behold, I was right. Was he asleep? No. He was sitting on his porch with a girl. All he had to tell me was he had a guest over and couldn't talk. But that is to hard. I do love him. And most likely always will. But I deserve more than these lies. More than these stories. And so do my kids.  We ALL deserve more than what he is  giving any of us. Including his family. As he uses them for cover.

January 21, 2011 I purchased my Wedding dress in hopes to wear it in April. Due to obvious events, that didn't happen and I never picked up the dress. A year later, I come home and low and behold, my dress is in my garage. I knew this day was coming but I NEVER expected it to hit me this hard. I had a full on crying breakdown in my bosses office. Thankfully he is a very understanding person and won't hold this against me. He instantly made me feel better and laugh. I am very grateful for that. I know I should most likely just sell my dress. But just like my ring, I can't bring myself to do it. I think I am holding out until the bitter end, or until I am numb of the emotional attachment I have to both. And that is the end of my emo tastic post.

It is halfway through Jan. I am loosing focus at work, just had an interview for the Temporary Assignment I was on and I am just completely lost. Tax season wee. Causing more issues then good. I just am tired. Always so tired.