Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Today was a bit easier. I did have a headache for a good part of the day. But I didn't cry. Not once. I am very proud of myself. And I got complimented by someone for how well I was keeping it together. Then tomorrow I have a lunch with one of my best friends. I have missed him a lot. But the lunch will be amazing and perfect! I am less stressed about moving out on my own. I know it will be okay and it is what I want to do. I had a few doubts there for a day because everyone was fighting me on it. But it is what is best for me. My kids will be provided for and they will still be coming over to grandma's during the day to be babysat. So it works out. I FINALLY washed my hair today, since Saturday. I noticed when I am upset, I will shower but not wash my hair. Maintenance sucks. But at least this way it will keep the new color longer. :) At least now I will feel clean. It doesn't matter how many times you shower, if your hair is dirty, you just feel ditry. Thankfully I br...

Today has got to be one of the hardest days of my life. I have decided that moving out would be best for me. I need to be able to grow and learn who I am once more. And learn how to do this alone, with two children. Granted, I know he will never not provide for his children. BUT, I need to know that I can provide on my own as well. We are moving into the same complex. A few doors down from each other. I am scared, anxious, nervous, and am not 100% sure I can do this on my own. But I am sure going to try. I refuse to not know if I can do this. There have been a lot of tears today. A lot. Then we went to our couples therapy orientation once more.  This one was a bit more promising. It made things almost feel as if it will be okay. Oh hope, you very fickle scary thing you are. You can either make the world brighter or shred life as we know it to pieces in a swift second.

After going through these posts, I realize that everytime I have a super rough spot in my life, my best friend is exteremly ill.... The tests we are put through. Sometimes are not right.

Here I am running back and forth between the kids room. Then I realize, in most likely, less than a week, this will be my life. Single mom with two kids.Yes he said he will help, but he won't be living with us. So there will be only so much that can be done. Things on my list of never wanting to happen are now happening. If I would of known this was the outcome, things would of been different. It's like the Who Knew song by Pink. You took my hand You showed me how You promised me you'd be around Uh huh That's right I took your words And I believed In everything You said to me Yeah huh That's right If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out Cause they're all wrong I know better Cause you said forever And ever Who knew  And I realize that the forever and ever part was being a mom. Not being partners. I am grasping to what little hope I have left. When we first got together there had been n...

It's been four days. A very long, long four days. I am going to support him through his rough time as he did for me. I have hope that once he is healed we will have a chance. Right now he doesn't feel that we do. He's done with me, but we are still going to wait until we do the couples thing before he completely gives up.  He went to a hotel for a few nights. Long nights they had been. I set here yearning for him to just be in the room, be around me. I got used to him not sleeping when I was, but it was still nice knowing he was there, in the room, if I woke up. I would sometimes wake up and just lay there watching him play on the computer. So silly it seems. But just watching him calmed me. Oh how I wish things had been different. Maybe we could of saved each other sooner. The wedding is off and it is very hard telling everyone that it is. My dad is flipping out and not being supportive. Instead he is being destructive to my life. Not even his. My love can barely han...

Here I am 23 days away from when I am supposed to get married. 10k already put in on this and he doesn't know if he wants to get married. 4 years and two children. Then again. Can I really blame him? I know I use my blog to vent. But I realize I rarely type the positive here to savor forever. But there is so much I am thankful for.  He is my life, my world and a best friend, even though right now we may be having issues and I am positive he doesn't think me his best friend. I have always had hopes that things would be fine. In fact I never doubted it. I thought we had just been going through a rough time right now because we had two kids back to back. "The first year is the hardest" with any baby. And we went through the first year with one, barely got over that and now we are still going through the first year with the other. He's right though. It did take this event to make me realize how terrible things had been for him. He's not happy,  he is super depre...

I once again know what this is like. I have been hanging out with an amazing person who makes me feel like me again. The strangest things always happen. Someday, if this person ever finds this. Thank you.  You  have saved part of me that was almost lost. There will be no way I could ever repay you for that.