Turn of Events. For Better or For Worse. Reflection
Here I am 23 days away from when I am supposed to get married. 10k already put in on this and he doesn't know if he wants to get married. 4 years and two children. Then again. Can I really blame him? I know I use my blog to vent. But I realize I rarely type the positive here to savor forever. But there is so much I am thankful for. He is my life, my world and a best friend, even though right now we may be having issues and I am positive he doesn't think me his best friend. I have always had hopes that things would be fine. In fact I never doubted it. I thought we had just been going through a rough time right now because we had two kids back to back. "The first year is the hardest" with any baby. And we went through the first year with one, barely got over that and now we are still going through the first year with the other.
He's right though. It did take this event to make me realize how terrible things had been for him. He's not happy, he is super depressed and I felt so entirely helpless to help him. I didn't know how. Maybe I didn't push hard enough. He keeps saying this isn't my fault. But maybe I could of prevented this if I pushed harder when I saw the depression. However, after going through depression myself. How could I? I know how it is. You don't want to be told you are depressed and you need to see someone. No one wants to be told that.
Here is what I know. I love him, I am in love with him and he is my world. If this is lost, I will survive solely because of my children. I have to for them. I will do what I can to heal. But I will never fully be complete. I know this, because he is my soul mate.
Love at first sight, how silly that sounds. But it happens. It happens all the time. The very first thing I remember going through my head when he said hi to me over the desk, was " wow, I am going to marry this guy someday." As I sat there with my pigtails contemplating how I could get him to be interested. Who would of thought that just 24 hours I would be at his house at 6am in the morning. I didn't. Was it worth it? Yes yes it was.I am sure that if things don't work out I will say things like, I wish I never met you. But that isn't true. I have two wonderful children because of this man. I had a huge growing of person. Hard times and Life lessons.
So here are the good things. This man is entirely giving. Rarely thinking of himself. ( which is why this is happening. ) This man is one of the best father's I know. He loves his children dearly and would do anything for them. I will cherish every moment that I have had with him, regardless of what will happen. If I end up old, and alone, I will always have those memories. And when he still loved me, my life was complete. I felt like the biggest person in the world with him by my side. Proud. Happy. Untouchable.
If you ever read this, ever find this. Know one thing. I know that I was bad to you for a long time. I am sorry. There is no words that will ever make up for it. I used you to heal my depression and never thought about how it hurt you. I was selfish. I hope you forgive me one day. I should of let you know how much I respect you for that. And love you more.
Yes , you had been bad to me to.I have forgave you, no I won't forget. But I have. And instead of proving to you that I had forgiven you, I let me weakness, Fear, loneliness, insecurity take over and it made me mean. I should of controlled my emotions. And I did not.
To the end of time, regardless of the outcome. I will always love you. Here I am going to attempt to hope for the best and pray that everything will work out. It was always our plan and I hope it to be true. I love you.
He's right though. It did take this event to make me realize how terrible things had been for him. He's not happy, he is super depressed and I felt so entirely helpless to help him. I didn't know how. Maybe I didn't push hard enough. He keeps saying this isn't my fault. But maybe I could of prevented this if I pushed harder when I saw the depression. However, after going through depression myself. How could I? I know how it is. You don't want to be told you are depressed and you need to see someone. No one wants to be told that.
Here is what I know. I love him, I am in love with him and he is my world. If this is lost, I will survive solely because of my children. I have to for them. I will do what I can to heal. But I will never fully be complete. I know this, because he is my soul mate.
Love at first sight, how silly that sounds. But it happens. It happens all the time. The very first thing I remember going through my head when he said hi to me over the desk, was " wow, I am going to marry this guy someday." As I sat there with my pigtails contemplating how I could get him to be interested. Who would of thought that just 24 hours I would be at his house at 6am in the morning. I didn't. Was it worth it? Yes yes it was.I am sure that if things don't work out I will say things like, I wish I never met you. But that isn't true. I have two wonderful children because of this man. I had a huge growing of person. Hard times and Life lessons.
So here are the good things. This man is entirely giving. Rarely thinking of himself. ( which is why this is happening. ) This man is one of the best father's I know. He loves his children dearly and would do anything for them. I will cherish every moment that I have had with him, regardless of what will happen. If I end up old, and alone, I will always have those memories. And when he still loved me, my life was complete. I felt like the biggest person in the world with him by my side. Proud. Happy. Untouchable.
If you ever read this, ever find this. Know one thing. I know that I was bad to you for a long time. I am sorry. There is no words that will ever make up for it. I used you to heal my depression and never thought about how it hurt you. I was selfish. I hope you forgive me one day. I should of let you know how much I respect you for that. And love you more.
Yes , you had been bad to me to.I have forgave you, no I won't forget. But I have. And instead of proving to you that I had forgiven you, I let me weakness, Fear, loneliness, insecurity take over and it made me mean. I should of controlled my emotions. And I did not.
To the end of time, regardless of the outcome. I will always love you. Here I am going to attempt to hope for the best and pray that everything will work out. It was always our plan and I hope it to be true. I love you.
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